I think I've changed

I think I have changed. How could one not, after going through cancer? I think as much as I act like  my same ol' feisty self-no one can take away from me what I have learned from it all. The introspective I have on life, my life. I can easily go about my same ol quirks and behaviors, but peel it all away.. and there is a different woman here.That's a damn good thing. What a frickin way to learn a lesson, but it is what it is!I still get choked up when I hear myself talking about "the lesson" through cancer. I think it's because no one can imagine how scared I was. I felt like a little girl the whole time, and when i start to cry thinking about it all now-I realize how raw and tender I am still.It was just too much fear to handle. So, I am nearing this incredible year of fighting to survive and swimming through so much fear and gaining awareness of just who the hell I am, and I guess it's all okay. I can go into the new year with this gift.
I can set new goals and work on doing better in my voice over business, doing better at loving my husband, doing better at being a better listener, and doing better at trying to be a sweet person.It's a minute by minute challenge for me, as I have operated on survival and running around like a crazy woman for the majority of my life. I am so hard on myself-I wished I was MORE changed....silly I know. But I must practice what i am preaching here and be blessed by the small changes I have made that are deep inside.So, enough for tonight, I will work on it. I am where I am suppose to be. 

I sound like a broken record

I know I sound like a broken record, but I am glad I am here...it keeps surfacing as I run around during this insane holiday season. I keep thinking..."damn last year at this time my body was wrecked havoc with chemo" -I was looking like hell more and more everyday, and now here I am a year later zipping all around town talking to myself worrying if I can afford anymore Christmas gifts and then the ah-ha moment hits me...I am alive. It happens constantly. Maybe it's God talking to Me. Telling me to slow the hell down and really grasp this situation. It must be, because it gets my attention every single time it pops in my head.The smallest things...sending out my Christmas cards,....while sitting at the table sealing the envelopes, I realize I am here. I journeyed through cancer and chemo and all the bullcrap that comes with it....I can only hope this thought will ground me when i am ready to go off on someone who has ticked me off, or someone I choose to have a beef with...let's only hope. So I am closing for now and am going to do a little something else once again as part of the holiday frenzy to just confirm I am still here! It's all so wild to believe. It all still feels like it was a bad dream.

The Bakery Barista looked into my eyes and said... I'm glad you're here

Holly works at the coolest bakery in Dublin....Denikas. I told her last year I was diagnosed with cancer and was being treated with chemotherapy infusions. When I stumbled into the shoppe one day, hellbent on walking the 3 blocks while my car was being serviced...I was fatigued beyond anything I had ever felt. I could barely lift my feet to walk.
I sat down in a booth and started to cry. I couldn't believe it took everything out of me to walk there.I remember being committed to the walk and the whole time praying to God that I would make it to the coffee shop to have some cider. Non stop I repeated over and over again..."you can make this walk" She asked if I was okay, and all I wanted to do was just breathe....So she knew my story. This week I went into the bakery and there she was.....she cupped my hands and looked deep into my eyes and said "I'm so glad you are here"...I was taken back. Someone was glad I was here. I could have not been here....Just a year ago I was going through chemo treatments. Cancer can kill. It is a nasty horrible disease. And who the hell knows how fast it can ravage a body...but I am here. Holly brought it to my attention with her sweet gesture. I wonder still about it all. The goal now is to make 5 years, then one is cured. Right now it is called "cancer free" But damn I really could have not been here at this point in time...life cannot be taken for granted. I feel as though I am on high sensory and thinking about what Holly said. Maybe it is good, maybe it's one of those cancer lessons we get because of going through the journey, who the hell knows...but I think I am going to relish in the fact that I am here. And yes, again I can say those words my cancer surviving friend told me to say daily: Thank you God for my life today.

The little gems from church

My faith increased significantly once I was diagnosed with cancer. I was determined to listen to the word every week for the strength I needed so badly. Although I must say after my 3rd radio blind side...I was floored emotionally and found myself questioning who the hell am I at that point in my life....and stumbled in on this local church for answers, after a strong Christian woman told me "You are not your job-you are more than that, God has big plans for you, maybe in the radio arena, maybe not"....So I walk into this church and they are performing Bachman Turner Overdrives "Taking Care of Business" I thought, what the hell is this? Only to find the message was....."one is more than their career job"...I couldn't believe it, but I became hooked. So now I go as often as I can and come home with the little hand outs with scribbles on it that were heard while sitting in the service. As I sit here at my desk ready to clean it off I find a pile of them, I rummage through my notes and see they are a great lead into my blog post today....loving this one:
"If you're still here, your mission on earth is not yet accomplished": holy crap, can anything be more true? The valleys he sends me through are for me to hang tough-to continue to believe he is there. It doesn't make sense, but it's the reality I have to deal with to get his lesson.My lesson.
"The Great Promise... Genesis 12:16-35: The days of uncertainty have been with us for thousands of years.Wanting my answers and directions more sooner than later, the story of my life again. There is that rascal God making me go through it to get the lesson!
"Like in a marriage, what kind of partner am I... to God?"
That is a wild way of looking at my relationship to faith. In a marriage if we seek to be peacemakers instead of troublemakers, things just seem to run more smooth. It applies to a relationship with God...when I fight the lesson, it all gets messier. The one who bickers is the one who suffers.So by honoring him first, maybe it all doesn't get as crazy. Devoted and faithful or distant and
hot and cold....not good ingredients for a relationship with anybody!
So for all of my friends who think I am blessed-they don't know my head is a mess! My story is not over...I will continue to collect these little gems from this one hour a week dose I get from church-it's really all I can do, and really makes sense to do. So, it's now off to the microphone to do what I am most passionate about and keeps me sane, my voice overs....thanks God for my life today!

"Freedom" were the words I whispered when the bandage came off

Today was post op appointment after having the port removed. I FINALLY looked at the spot and slowly peeled off the band aid. It's a small scar. I just smiled at it...and said to myself, "freedom". There was the spot where the chemo made it's way into my body. Argh!! What an insane story...so when I showered and dressed to get ready to see the GI Surgeon, it didn't feel like it was Me doing what I was doing. When does the dream ever stop? So incredibly insane the whole journey....as I am driving my cellphone rings and I see a Santa Cruz number...it is my wild and crazy friend from back in the day...Pete. I haven't heard from him in a decade.  He saw my article in the paper. The great story Ben Fong Torres wrote about my wild radio voice over ride. He was so proud....and all i could think was how wonderful to have a longtime friend call. He never married, a handsome bachelor that works his tail off in carpentry for 6 months and then takes off to travel. He's seen 147 countries. We shared the same thoughts of "doing what you love". Life is just too damn unpredictable to not do what you love. I had a great morning on the microphone and came home to more voice work. It was a good day afterall. I reconnected with another that had seen the article, David, and we shared more. Humans are all so similar and yet we all seem so different when we stay so guarded. When we open up we really have more in common than we realize, its funny...I pray tomorrow is just as good.

it's time to move forward no more whining enough is enough

I get tired of myself whining about it all...I will never get the answer I am looking for as to why I was dignosed with so many cancers. I will never know-hereditary is the most scientific reason and it is true. I carry the gene..but as for my character and why I was dealt the card i don't know. I am stubborn? I am unforgiving? I don't accept cruelty from anyone? That's me and maybe that's it. Who knows why i was given cancer...but I can't dwell on it. It is a daily mantra for me....If I can stay busy voicing my voice overs and just stay out of everyones way-maybe that is the way to skip through my life.I am as dysfunctional as the next and I have spent years in counseling exploring my ways and yet I am the same ol person....so what's the damn point of trying to figure it all out. It's all about acceptance. It is what it is....now go live a new minute, a new second, the hell with cruel people-they won't change, they will go through life being that way and make excuses and step all over people until the day they die and cover it up by saying "I am only human" when does the accountability ever set in? It won't......I cannot do a frickin thing to change them.....I can't blame my cancer as my punishment for not accepting them. It just all is. They are asses for being that way.

When the pain goes away I vow to be over this!

The chemo port is gone....I am sore as hell. It feels like someone slugged me numerous times. I am bruised and I am limited on my right arms' movements because of it. Damn it hurts. I got through the surgery okay. Cried as usual. I wished I could figure out what the tears are all about...I think it's all the fear one endures with cancer. You get to a point where it consumes you and just becomes overwhelming. When they prepped me, i layed there and teared up...I tried my damdest to figure my tears out, but it is fear. I loved the happy drug though...really I did.:)  That's kind of a scary thought to think I enjoyed escaping.On my ride there to avoid getting fearful, I actually was concentrating on the upcoming drug and thought that's the best part of the procedure! In the waiting area all I could think was "another damn surgical procedure" When I was under I could hear the surgeons conversation like an echo-but I just can't remember the subject matter. I do remember wincing 2 different times. Something hurt terribly. When I awoke they gave me the port in a ziplock bag. It was unreal. No wonder why it hurt coming out. The size of a bottle cap with a tube that went into my artery! It was unbelievable looking. When the pain goes away I want to be so done with this episode of my life. It ruined my sons' life, scared the hell out of my family and friends and turned me inside out. When this damn port removal pain goes away, I vow to be over this cancer crap.

The Chemo Port will not be part of Me anymore

The drug that I want to hate and yet the drug that killed the cancer, entered my body through a port. A small device placed under my skin above my chest. It is horribly unsightly as it protrudes itself with it's bump under my skin and it's all a reminder of what I endured. I have never been able to  bring myself to even glance at it quickly in a mirror. i avoid it all costs. It has been a year since I first had it put in and tomorrow I have it removed. I have this overwhelming sadness I am feeling as I write in my blog tonight. The tears are just the tears of a very scared girl and a girl who still cannot believe she experienced cancer. The reminders of the fear I hold so deeply inside me, overwhelm me everytime I get real with it all. I don't understand why. Is it post traumatic stress? I should be happy. I should be grateful-but when I think about the many months of fear that I lived with it makes me cry. I had so many surgical procedures-I guess I am just scared again. I am trying to reach down and find joy right now but these unexplanable tears keep coming. It will be beautiful to not see the reminder anymore. I will look normal there. I won't feel the discomfort of the car seatbelt as it so often created pressure on it. I can change this reaction, I know I have the power to do it...once again I pray all goes well and the surgeon does a perfect job. I will get through this and maybe now after tomorrow I will finally feel done with all of this. My heart goes out to every cancer patient in the world right now who is scared to get their port placed, but my heart also knows the day they get their port removed they will feel overwhelmed with crazy emotions just like me......Cancer just sucks, that's all there is to it! 

The Oncologists Lecture

It's blood work every 3 months. Every 3 months I go back to the infusion center to have blood drawn. I handle it the same way every time. Realize the date is here, scurry out the door running late, obviously procrastinating, and then the dreaded thought rolls through my mind as I am driving there...."ew that dreaded place again, I so hope not to see any cancer patients". It hits me every single time. They drew blood on Thursday. There is always that scary fleeting thought 'I hope all is normal" The results are immediate and all is well. I had to see Dr Wilson for a chat. A funny guy, but he sure doesn't cut me much slack. He carefully went over my records talking about my Lynch Syndrome findings from Stanford Research. So apparantly I have another area to watch out for.....my bladder. Geez, just how many more areas in my body do I have to watch out for!??Lynch syndrome patients risk uerine, colon, stomach and now bladder cancer? What the hell is this?! He handed me a urine specimen cup. So now this is being watched. It all sucks big time. Stupid idiotic cancer.He told me I was extremely lucky-stage 3 colon cancer caught early-but it may have been caught earlier thus sparing me that disgusting chemotherapy if I had DNA testing years ago and went for the colonoscopy sooner. What the hell was I thinking? I'd do anything to turn back time and not have to live with these chemo nueropathy side effects, my daily reminder I had chemo.I just can't go there. I am so good at beating the heck out of myself, and I've been mulling it over ever since Thursdays appointment. Chaulk it up as a life experience is all i can do....what the hell else is there to do? Crap, I am so angry now.

That cancer patient brought out my cancer compassion

My own Mother died of cancer, and so did my father. When my Mother was diagnosed I was only 26. She was only 49. I was so very scared. I didn't ever ask her how she felt. I found myself avoiding her at times. I couldn't bear to admit she had cancer and was dying. That's how I handled her. She died at age 50 and I was 27. I ran and stayed busy for years so not to ever feel the sadness and to not ever question why I ran from her. My father was diagnosed at age 63, I wasn't even 40. During his final months, I came around a bit more. I still was afraid of him as I always had been, but I also felt his fear, which was so different than what I felt with my Mom.. I was beginning to slightly understand what it must feel like to know you are dying. He died 2 weeks shy of my 40th birthday. I didn't carry as much guilt as with what I had with my Mom. But overall I still didn't get it because I had never had it. Then I was diagnosed. Not once but twice with cancer. It was then that I would periodically think..."My gosh I never asked my parents how they felt, how much fear were they carrying" It all became so clear that I didn't know what to ask them.This has all changed because of my diagnosis. Cancer is a cruel monster. But put me in a room with another cancer patient and I am so there. I went for a cup of coffee today  and there in line next to me was a slender woman with her black velour sweat outfit on and her baseball cap covering her bald head. I couldn't believe it. I asked her, "so are you in treatment, or done?" She answered "done, but I am waiting for post CT Scans results in a few days" "What cancer did you have?"...."Brain. In 2 places"....my heartbroken response was "That just sucks, big time"...."I had it twice also, I still have numbness in my feet and hands"...She said "I am always cold, and my short term memory is shot" Oh could I agree with that one. I asked if she had kids, and how are they all handling it. Her name was called for her order, so I clutched her arm and could only wish her the best of luck for the results. My heart ached and the overwhelming sadness and compassion took over me. ....I stepped up to place my order and began to cry. I couldn't even speak my order. I looked at the cashier and apologized. "I am a cancer survivor and just talked with that woman who is fighting for her life now, it's all so unfair, and it all just sucks". The tears wouldn't stop flowing down my cheeks. What was happening to me I thought. I only knew the deep compassion I felt for this total stranger was something I hadn't felt before having cancer myself. It was so damn, damn sad. Will I ever know if she makes it?  I won't. I didn't get her name. I will just know that I understand now. I finally have that cancer compassion. It was my gift from my own cancer. I wished I could take it all away from everybody who is diagnosed.

I played racquetball today

The sport I love. The sport so many times  I competed in, racquetball was affected by my chemo side effects. My feet were painfully numb as I ran about the court. My hand gripped the racquet harder than it's ever gripped it before. But I played 3 games. I did it!While warming up and stretching I felt the tingling sensations up to my knees and my heart sank. It felt as though I was handicapped. I had the fleeting thought of "am I done with racquetball because of damn cancer and it's disgusting chemo side effects?" I had to push through, and I did. I found myself playing a very mental game, each shot was thought out, because I couldn't run after every ball because I was scared to make a sudden turn, afraid my foot would give out. There's this feeling of sadness yet there is also a huge feeling of joy for playing the game. I can only take my journey one day at  a time. I have no other choice. I can't hang up my racquet forever, I just can't.

Cancer makes you question life forever

It is to be expected...cancer makes you question life. Your life. Your character. Your choices. It is all coming at me fast and furious these days. It is almsot too hard to deal with. I'd love to pull the covers over my head and disappear at times. I stay occupied with my voice overs. I love them. I am in nobodys way. It is me, the micropone, and the producer waiting on the other side. It is where I am at my best.
My son is done with me. It is the rite of passage.  I've dealt with it before, in different phases in his earlier life. It is very normal for a boy-but now he is becoming a young man-and he knows what he wants: he clearly doesn't want me in his life. It is a strange feeling. Not unbearable, as I can scoot along, but the transition through it, is very lonely and it is sitting in my heart everyday and screaming at me to move forward. It's an adjustment.....I need the ocean's tranquility, I can feel it very strong these days.
Out of here and off to my voice overs, I have been cranking them out all morning.....truly a love of mine!

The struggles that come with self awareness

When we begin to peel off the layers, all hell breaks lose. Think about it, it rattles everything. Every action we took for granted, every person we encounter, all our close personal relationships all get rattled along with the self discovery. It's all these continuous earthquake trembles. Then we have to walk on these newly discovered shakey grounds and try to make some sense of it all. I seem to be questioning everything these days. Will I come out alright on the other side? Will I even make it to the other side? It has to be cancer that started this journey. In the throes of it my mind was in survival mode. I didn't think about the various people that irritated me, I really couldn't care less about them. I loved that lesson more than anything in the world. Now that I am done with chemo and all it's aftermath I am left with me....the Me that can't understand Me.The whole realization of discovering my voice, and then being okay with what has been said, and then realizing admitting I am wrong doesn't have to have the aftermath of more negative consequences, is just totally foreign. The ironic part of all this is...my career is recording and sharing my voice to the world!What the hell is that about? And the ultimate joy I get when recording my voice is just so genuine and authentic. I thank God he lead me to my career of voice overs, I thank him every day. I guess the struggle is all part of the self awareness that I am needing to embrace right now, today and from this day forward. I am baffled by it all. Thank you God for my life today!

Another anniversary date

One year ago at this time, this very week,  I had my very first chemo infusion. All I can remember is crying from the moment they inserted that needle into my port. I sat and cried for 3 hours as the chemicals began their journey through my body.I still cannot wrap my mind around the fact that I had 2 cancers in one year. The amount of trauma and drama that it has caused me is just unfair. I felt at times forever grateful I was alive, and loved each and everyone of my supportive  and loving friends, and yet I think I am carrying around an anger that I had to go through with it at all. It's not where I should be, I know better, but yet I am all so confused about the event overall. Every cancer victim goes through all these emotions but what each cancer victim does with them is so unique too.
My big goal right now is that I am trying to have a voice-and I am royally screwing up using it. All the emotioanl crap gets in the way and I fall back into only what i know, and that is to trip over it all and make bigger messes. It's absolutely crazy making...I have spent 4 hours doing voice overs and absolutely loving it and yet all the while, swallowing my pride at making a 17 year old girl cry...Adam's unstable ex, or is she? girlfriend ....after me a grown woman addressed my dissatisfaction with all her actions toward Adam, at, of all places, his Senior class camping trip! What provoked me? Seeing her pouting and following Adam around the campsite. Their whole relationship mthey had seems truly insane...but you are probably thinking, as so am I, who is the insane one here? Probably me..will God forgive me? I sometimes wonder about it all. I am too mature to be tripping over this same bullshit in my life...I have to breathe deep and try again for tomorrow is a new day, and thank God I see my counselor tomorrow morning. and I am already cringing on sharing this latest chapter in my life with him....I have to. I have to grow more. God help me to really hear these words I am about to write: Thank you for my life today.

My Birthday and it's a big thing

It really is a big deal....last year at this time I was diagnosed with malignant colon cancer, I had the polyp removed, the port was placed and I was about to endure 6 months of chemotherapy. I did it, and I made it....to another birthday. Wow. I am speechless.

Another day in counseling brings more clarity

Experiencing cancer allowed me to experience present moment thinking. Those grueling 6 months of chemo kept my mind off trivial, toxic things and on living one minute at a time. My counselor was blown away when I shared that with him today. It keeps coming back at Me....I saw a part of me I did not think could exist. As I grow older and in days about to approach another birthday I realize how much more, my cancer diagnosis did things for me I don't know if i could have created myself...it just never ceases to amaze me. Tomorrow I get my port flushed. The port that was the entry way for all the chemo drugs. Tomorrow I go back to the clinic where it all happened. I am dreading it. Maybe I can give hope to someone-I don't know what I can actually give-but maybe just putting aside all this anticipated fear and stepping up will be enough. I don't know, but I do know obsessing on it is just what i learned NOT to do while going through chemo. So, I take a huge deep breath and trust this moment is what it's suppose to be. God thank you for today and bless me for tomorrow.

It's too hard to understand

Why does everything happen the way it does?I can only conclude God has  his hands in it everytime. The lesson is there for us to learn. It's the perfect opportunity for the student to be taught.When observing the same ol story occuring over and over again... it is time. It seems as though I go through all this drama to be heard. It's like I never had a voice and when things happen that involve me it is me looking to be heard. How funny I chose a career that allowed my voice to be heard via a microphone-but ah yes, the words aren't even mine  as they are really carefully dictated by some Program Director, or by a script. So the microphone is symbolic as to what I really want...to be heard. Whether it is to cry or to be frustratingly angry there is this desperate action to be heard, to get attention, to act stubborn, to not forgive someone to make my point. All I am really trying to do is say what I am feeling. I know where it all is coming from....from a place a long, long time ago when I was just a little girl. It all seems like a big  internal mess.   

September 20th and it's symbolic date

I was driving home tonight thinking about my crazy life and my crazy personality and then I relaized that exactly one year ago on this date I was told I had malignant colon cancer and I was taking on the assignment of chemotherapy for 6 months. My world turned absolutely upside down...but today Sept. 20th 2011...Jeff is home from his colon surgery and his surgeon called to say "there is no cancer, all lymph nodes are clear" The same day, one year later, different results...it's just all too insane for me to take in. Everything lately is becoming more insane. I am not in a good place... I just can't seem to see good now and I don't know what is happening.Too much trauma has happened.

Don't judge self...it pulls me out of the awareness role

Another visit to the therapist.....after all the trauma of cancer, the ups and downs of married life, the wacked out arena in Radio, that dirty little dysfunctional mental habit of mine exists.....judging myself and my every thought. Just when I think something-anything-I judge myself on the thought. What a cycle.....you'd think with looking death in the eye not once, but twice I'd have it all together...ha! So it goes....my way of operating in my life.
It's a one minute at a time approach for me I guess.
The therapist is amazed at how hard I am on myself. I stand up for myself, finally, and I immediately worry that I caused more trouble...what the hell is that all about? So my assignment for the week is to not judge myself when I have decided to speak up and protect myself-for when I do, I cannot be aware of my enlightenment.
It all sounds like so much damn work, but then again it's time to really understand what it is like to be gentle to me and nurture me.
So in the meantime I can do what I do best....flip on the microphone and do what makes me feel good, do what validates what I have....my voice. Thank you God for that instrument.

My husband now faces the surgery

How could this possibly be? I have concluded that my cancers were meant to be messages to people to take care of their health. To be mindful of your family's health hsitory, to not assume. My smoking, coffee drinking, white bread eating husband has a colon polyp that needs to be removed. It doesn't look cancerous the Doctor says-but it is soemthing one doesn't leave in their bodies as they can turn. Jeff got the colonoscopy a few months back after seeing the hell I went through while enduring chemotherapy. We know all too well what it did to me, our family, our son-so he went for it. The polyp was too big to be removed in the office...so tomorrow is the day. The same surgeon as mine, the same hospital. Why I thought I was a ball of health despite the rediculous amounts of cancer in my family is beyond me. So now Jeff goes...but he will be fine, I am sure. He has lungs of steele, eats horrible and his parents lived to much older years than mine....but I am nervous for him. Just entering that same hospital that I spent so many times in will be eery. It won't be fun. My life is surreal....why is this?
Thank goodness I can escape it all through the microphone...today I sent VO's out all over the USA and edited my students VO work we did here in the studio yesterday...it was good. Tomorrow I look forward to prepping for my internet show and look forward to Gods healing hands on Jeff.

A good day....

How wonderful to be able to sit here about ready to write and I can say today was a good day.
I sent voice overs out to 6 different states and an audition to my Agent for Oracle. I am feeling a bit frustrated from not having booked a gig through my Agent in awhile...maybe it's my negative thoughts. Maybe I have to listen to The Secret again. I can't afford negative thoughts not for my health and not for my career dreams. I conducted a private consultation for a  nice guy wanting to get into voice overs today in the home studio. It was very cool as I gave him all the information I learned on my journey into Voice Overs. It was so fun directing him on the microphone. I think he was very pleased with my information and what I had to offer, so it felt good to know I helped someone else do what I am so passionate about. I attended my monthly networking meeting after almost of a year of not showing. It felt great to be there. It was good for me to stand up and sell my Voice Over services. Marketing is what got me to where I am today and I am realizing it's time for me to get out again and get the job done.
It's time to move forward and create good things. God will provide.

Observe my awareness, the therapist says

After all these months going through cancer and all the drama and emotions with it, I finally decided to talk to a therapist. The lump in my throat describing it all to him confirmed I am still traumatized by it all. What is true is it does get less as time passes. I realize getting all worked up is not a positive place to go to...and then he says one of those classic soft spoken therapist lines..."observe the awareness" Hm-m-m-m? The awareness that I am aware it's not healthy to be in all the hysteria. Wow, imagine that. I am actually beginning to step away briefly and see myself and what I am doing. I hope in time I can really move forward and not hold onto this as this horrible experience in my life. Something tells me I will.
To observe our awareness in any given situation is a confirmation of emotional growth. Maybe I am not the same screwed up girl I was years ago. I have matured....finally. It is all good, and it is all part of life and all it's many opportunituies for lessons...Maybe I can pass this along to my son Adam...I'd love to spare him all the drama that life can bring and all the wacked out ways I deal with lifes challenges.I've probably already messed him up.......lightbulb!....Observe the Awareness.

Leave it to church to put me at ease

Seems to work everytime. I rush to church, usually missing the first 15 minutes getting there just in time for the message. Not what I like to do, but Sundays are just not that easy for me to move quickly.
Once settled in, the topic seems to speak so close to home.The topic was Spiritual Urban Legends: A Valley Means A Wrong Turn" Hm-m-m....I certainly have been in a valley-but was it really a wrong turn? When I first was diagnosed with uterine cancer last year I thought...'did I deserve this because of my rotten unforgiving ways'? Deserve Cancer? As the message was explored it surfaced; not every valley is a result  of a wrong turn. Maybe I was suppose to be there. There to work it through. There to strengthen my faith. There to depend on friends and stop being "the determined to do it on my own chick".
That spiritual urban legend is a dangerous urban legend. The lessons were now about to begin with my cancer diagnosis...because it didn't stop there, 5 months later it was confirmed I now had colon cancer. Was the first to toughen me for the 2nd? Chemo was beyond anything I could have imagined. It woke me up psycologically and tore me down physically. It was my Valley...but it provided all the lessons I needed.
Yes I have slipped back into my old ways....ticked off at the ex and his stupid ass wife who broke our relationship up, angry at the radio program directors that fired me, intolerant of my husbands tuning me out.....but it takes a few seconds and I realize in my valley I learned what I was all about. So it wasn't a wrong turn, just a huge opportunity to make some changes. If I never make anymore progress in my growth-I did get that while in the valley. God intentionally brought me to that Valley. Wow Imagine that?

The procedure is all done!

The anxiety approaching the colonoscopy was like a roller coaster. Put it out of mind often by doing what I do best, stay busy. The anxiety managed to creep up as I got closer. I did my required prep, which is just awful...I started gagging on my last 8 ounces and dumped half the liquid down the sink. The hell with it I thought....Adam was sitting in the next room. I saw him just put his head down and shake it in disbelief. I told him I was okay....as the minutes were ticking away at 7am in the morning. There he was at 17 years old watching me again go through the cancer journey. Annual checks will be my journey forever now...Adam dropped me off and there I walked down the long hallway and seated myself in the waiting room. I texted my closest buds and told them where I was. I needed positive thoughts in their minds. What if? I thought. What if the news isn't good? Just how will I handle it? I can't go through it all again. I won't. As they called me back I am greeted by this great looking male nurse...oh just great! He's going to be assisting the procedure?!?!I chuckled. Got myself dressed and they started the IV. I layed there for sometime taking deep breaths trying  to calm myself, I wasn't feeling sleepy. Is my anxiety so high it's interfering with the medication? The nurse said I was ready to go in...."Wait!" I said "I am not sedated yet, I need more medicine" he laughed....they don't administer the medicine until I am in the procedure room...so there I was being rolled into the room. The medical machines and screens all around me. "This is it, this is where it was all unveiled last year" I thought. Quickly the tears started welling up in my eyes and the tears dripped down my face and neck. I am scared. The team reassured me as they explained they will spray the inside of my throat with a numbing agent so they can also do an endoscopy on me. Photos of my stomach and photos of my colon. Double whammy.The spray was mighty, I was numb almost instantly. The IV was filled with my sedative and I went out. Within 30 minutes I was back in my room and there was the Doctor telling me it looked terrific. I was more than elated. I did it. I made it, I couldn't wait to see Adam to tell him. I told him over and over again I was the happiest I have been in a long time. I called Jeff....I walked into my home office studio, checked my VO jobs and got the mic ready. Did I really just do what I did and now I am moving on with my day...? It was somewhat crazy...but that's how I seem to handle so many things, it's nuts. So now I breathe a huge sigh of relief and can be grateful once again for my life and the people who always pull for me. They just don't realize what it means to me to have their thoughts and support.It means the world, really it does.  I know I am truly blessed. The procedure is all done. Damn I am so happy.

Colonoscopy time

I am sure you can imagine the fear that is trying to desperately consume me as my first colonoscopy after last years cancer find is approaching. I am doing everything in my right mind to stay positive and trust I am clear.It is just insane how one can get so off track with fear. Adam will drive me, they will put me out and do their thing. This time I have an endoscopy-which I don't even want to address....but Lynch Syndrome DNA carriers are predisposed to uterine cancer, colon cancer and stomach cancer. So the camera goes in both ends of my body. How utterly insane is that.??!!
Thank gooodness my voice overs keep me busy and keep me feeling productive and contributing to the world...I swear it is the best thing I ever did to pursue the field. Working out of my home studio and having the time to get my health back on track is just what should be happening now in my life. My mind would be crazed without it.
I worry about Adam and the fear he must have around all this. It's just so damn unfair for a kid his age to be dealing with this. This is big-this really is big! I could not have gotten this far without faith, and the support from my friends and family. They have been my rock. Thank you God for my life today!

I locked eyes with that cancer patient

I took a deep, deep breath before going into the medical building today. I knew I would see patients-but then I remembered I go to the "other side"...so maybe I wouldn't see any. Who was I foolin...the "other side" consists of patients in treatment who are taking a breather from the tubes and the liquid chemo and visitng the Oncologist for an update on their side effects and blood tests. I stood at the reception window and looked through to the other side-there he was. A man who's skin was yellow, and his eyes beedy black and we just locked eyes. I couldn't take it. He didn't stop staring and he looked so scared. I was flooded with emotion. I wished I would've went around the desk and hugged him.....but I didn't. I sat down and waited. I felt almost guilty for being done. It was something I couldn't put my finger on. I was called back to the lab....oh no, blood drawn. I don't like it. The fear started up again. I don't like needles. They couldn't draw blood so had to turn the needle and pinch harder. I couldn't look, I survived it. My chat with the Doctor was to catch up..tell him about nueropathy, ask when I should do another CT scan, and inform him my next colonoscopy is next week...He said I looked great. Really? Really? Maybe I do.
I decided to go to the room where I was so familiar with-to say hello to Susan and Cathy-my awesome nurses who nurtured me through it all. They couldn't believe what I looked like. They said I should be a testimony. Maybe that is what I should do..I have thought about it many times. So my ride home was quiet, I stopped off and made numerous copies of my medical bills to send off to the stupid insurance company to get some money back, and came home and did what I love....my voice overs. Thank you God for my life, thank you for what I can do today.

The Oncologist visit

It's another visit to the Oncologist. I don't even rememebr why I am going today..maybe it's a periodic check. I do know it is a horrible reminder of it all. I just started thinking about what I will see while there. The patients all hooked up to their chemo cocktails, the sunken faces, the unbelievable weightloss, the nurses giving their hearts and souls, the receptionist waiting for my money. The bills are utterly rediculous. I am constantly trying to put out fires for money owed. The medical card was suspensed from the flexible spending because I paid a bill and it had some services from last year on it. I was being responsible, saw the Doctors office bill so paid it. There were no explanations as to what it was all for, I just took care of it.The flexible spending people investigate and assume I was trying to pull a fast one on them..how the hell was I suppose to know that? So they've scolded me and said I can't use the card. It's a nightmare I am trying to untangle. Hundreds of thousands of dollars billed for my cancer journey. It's horribly stressful.
So it's time to get ready and face MY reality.....a cancer survivor's reality.

The Wharf to Wharf race and all its meaning

I am so sore. My calves are stiff and my numb feet are as numb as ever, but I walked the race again. The Wharf to Wharf: from Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk wharf to the Capitola Wharf. This time it was with even more special friends....my childhood friend Marcia-and my cheerleader Cheryle.

Last July, 2 months afer surviving Uterine Cancer in May 2010 I walked. The anticipation when we started off was brewing, but as I passed under each balloon arch I knew I could do it. And when I crossed the finish line with my funny "Save the Va-Jay-Jay" shirt I cried. I was in disbelief...I was a cancer survivor! Little did I know that in August 2010 I would be diagnosed with Colon Cancer. Cheryle cheered me on saying we will go after the Wharf to Wharf in 2011 when my chemo was done. Scared for my feet, and scared to think I may have to call a cab-we did it anyway. Marcia, Cheryle and me!This time around I wore a "Cancer Vixen" bling studded shirt. I noticed the stares when people read it, what they didn't know was how incredibly grateful I was for being alive crossing that line. The pain of my numb feet was almost unbearable.I did this. It was huge. So today afterfinishing several voice overs I viewed the photos Marcia posted.....I am blessed. I am grateful, and I am still thanking God for my life today.

The upcoming tests

My ovarian cancer surviving buddy, Cindy,  said upcoming tests will be nerve wracking. I am already feelin the jitters. In one day I have both a Pap and Mam appointment...then it's the Colonoscopy.With that strong as hell chemo saturating my body-I must be clear-and will be for the rest of my living life.
I want my port removed. The noticeable bump on my chest is still uncomfortable to look at. Adam looks at it briefly and looks quickly away saying: "Mom you have to get that out". I can see how it pains him to look at it. The reminder of the whole journey. It was just too much for a 17 year old kid. I can't help but think what my brother Marty went through when he was as young and my Mom was battling her breast cancer. She was physically sick throwing up constantly and so weak, and he had to witness it all. I truly believe to this day at age 51,  he is traumatized by it all. Their minds can't comprehend healing, it is filled with fear that we will abandon them through death. I know when Adam heard the diagnosis of the 2nd cancer-colon-he just fell apart and rightfully so. He was so angry at God. So for him to look at the port with almost a look of disgust, I understand. So it's another procedure I must endure. The clock is ticking.
Thank you for my life today Jesus.

Damn Nuerapathy

I am not happy enduring this nueropathy. Numb fingers and toes and feet. It is wearing at me. I have to find some vitamin that I think is called: L- Glucemine.....
Now my memory goes...argh! Damn Chemo!
Apparantly people with Diabetes deal with this nuerapathy symptom. It is horrible. My Aunt Judy has it for the rest of her life and is trying acupuncture, and the acupuncturist says almighty water is a huge help. Water is the cure all for so much and I don't drink it nearly enough. I guess it's time to stop whining and do so.
I seem to be in on of those moods tonight....I can't wait for it to pass, because I sure don't like it...

Other People have been faced with death in other ways

Another life reality check today....I scheduled a session to record a kids voice for my audio ah biz and Mom shows up with her face partially paralyzed. I thought to myself, "is this bells palsy or is it a stroke"....we continued our session. When we were wrapping up I looked at her and said "is everything okay?"....and she proceeded to tell me 8 weeks ago on her way home from work on the local freeway she was in a near fatal wreck. Driving along and a car comes careening accross the highway and slams into her....her car flippd several times and it landed on it's hood. A teenager was driving wrecklessly, clipped another car which in turn careened accross the highway hitting Nancy. I was in shock. Her entire body was bruised and her left cheekbone crushed. With physical therapy she will heal...but there I was completely understandng what she must have been going through the past 8 weeks. I was able to ask her "mentally/emotionally how have you done?"....she said after about a week the reality of almost dying never seeing her little boy again and husband and family had her sobbing for days. I knew all too well what the emotional part was all about. It felt so real to be able to ask her this and actually understand it...I told her my last 12 months journey-but I found I didn't want to stay on me-I wanted to stay with the connection we had. Again my cancer has taught me a lesson. Compassion is now understood quickly. God presented it all to me. My cancer isn't the "all bad"....car wrecks and other illnesses, and disabilities are all bad too.  These people have been faced with whys and fears and tears and rage and lessons too. God puts this in front of us for good valid reasons. I need to get it again. I need to never forget. Maybe just maybe what my friend said to me while going through chemo "one day you will thank your cancer" that  may be slowly becoming true. Todays meeting with Nancy and her son Eli nudged me. I pray for Nancy's full recovery-she so deserves it. Angels watched over her.

One of my cancer patients died

Probably one of the most profound days in my chemo journey was meeting Nicci.There I was walking myself up the walkway to return my pump. Patients walked out one by one with bandanas on their heads as I sighed with dread as I was about to enter the building. I checked in and sat down when in only a few moments a woman sat down next to me and let out a huge sigh.The normal opening line from me, "so what type of cancer do you have?"....she sighs again, "it started with breast but now it has went to my brain". She paused for a moment and then looked deeply into my eyes and said "I don't know what's worse, having cancer or having my only son die in our house fire:' I gasped. I had just read about it in the newspaper. it was her! Her husband and son were taking a nap when the fire broke out in the loft-she had steped out for an errand and came home to firetrucks in front of her house. I told her she has to live for her son, for her daugher, and her grief was undeniably to be expected. i asked her name, and it was Nicci. I had my port flushed and pump retturned and i could n't gt out of there fast enough. I wept uncontrollably in the parking lot...for her, her family, my cancer and all those others affected by the disease. I called jeff and wept to him...I had to do something. Nicci mentioned her husband was an Allergist so I looked them up in the phonebook and made the call. I explained to the receptionist who I had met and if by chance this was the Doctors wife...it was. I hung up and penned her a note telling her my admiration for her was enormous and me crying over my treatment was trivial.....and so i went on. A few days ago a friend of mine was working in the lab at the local hospital when her colleague said 'I am so sad, my best friend died from cancer' naturally my friend mentioned me and my diagnosis-when her colleague described her friends  fate, it was Nicci. So I receivd the phone call telling me she had passed. I was stunned. I have been thinking about her nonstop for days ever since learning of her passing...so many people have to go through this disease and all it's extensions. The lessons I was dealt are numerous, but this story floored me the most and now her family must go on having lost a son, a brother and she taken by this deadly disease..It's all so insane, it just has to  be cured. It has to be.

The word "remission"

I was watching "The Bucket List" tonight on a DVD.....and Jack Nicolson made a comment about him being in cancer remission....and my heart suddenly sank. I thought "my God, I have to live through that to be able to hear myself say in 5 years... "I am in remission". The thought scared me. The thought that I now have that  in my story.... it is absolutely mind blowing. Never in my wildest dreams, never.

My faith deepened in all this

I find myself scurrying every Sunday to hear words from the scripture-yes this is just what God wanted...for me to be hungry to hear the word. I love starting my Sunday this way.My  happiness has little to do with externals it is a condition from my heart, mind and soul. Fortunately I learned this while in my Radio broadcasting career-I could be at the top of my game and knocked off for no reason other than a stupid ass corporate decision to make unnecessary changes, but it wasn't about the show, or my title. What was going to save me through the heart ache was that my heart and mind and soul needed to get it right. And it all happenend in my cancer journey. When I think back about it all it was truly horrific. I couldn't figure out why...but it was a lesson and it built more of my character and I have come to conclude, I am just going to savor each moment and love life, no matter what the hell is happening around me. My husband irritates me, my kid's decisions scare the hell out of me, my ex could still give me an apology, and I still can get in a beef with a chidhood friend or stranger-but when I can get ahold of the present moment-it's senseless to get all whipped up about it. I can't make time for that b.s. to park itself in my brain....i just can't. So I close, and go out and do what I love...just entertain myself in my simple little ways without bothering anybody. yep that's what God taught me.

Voice Over Girl: CT Scan clear-hallelujah!

Voice Over Girl: CT Scan clear-hallelujah!: "I was holdi ng my breath for this CT Scan result as I just couldn't bear to go through with it all again. The news was joyous-but a lifetim..."

CT Scan clear-hallelujah!

I was holding my breath for this CT Scan result as I just couldn't bear to go through with it all again. The news was joyous-but a lifetime committment of preventative measures is required by me. So each time I get a test I am sure there will be some jittery nerves. I hosted a little dinner for my friends who helped me. it was so wonderful to publically tell them thank you. They just had no idea how scared I was and how I struggled everyday over the fear I had wrappped around it all. I am still numb in my hands and toes, but ANYTHING is better than chemo infusions. Gosh those were awful!
If I had to really listen to my voice...I would hear "rest" yes that is my mantra-maybe that is what God wanted all along: slow down girl and rest!I have a choice about where I want to place myself: I can stew over my own pissiness or I can drop it and enjoy each and every moment. I think the later choice is the place to settle into. To make that a habit would be a lifetime achievement. I will always face obstacles and I know no one can make me any happier than I can make myself. So it's time to do it.
I guess when it all comes to an end I want to be able to easily answer to the questions;
Whose life did I touch?...Who did I love?.... and..... who loved me back?
I guess what it all boils down to is I am the creator of my lifes experiences!

Nerves are acting up

Thursday is my big day with the Oncologist...we will be going over my final CT Scan. I guess it will always be this way for the rest of my life...nerves before tests and nerves when waiting for results. it's all about preventative at this point. I am believing it is all clear. I have my voice overs to take my mind off of it all.....thank you God for my life today!

Side Effects suck

As if enduring 12 rounds, 6 months of chemo isn't enough....I am left with 24/7 tingling feelings in my hands and feet. I can't manage in the kitchen at all...can't open jars, plastic baggies, containers, and have to use a towel to get into the refrigerator and as for buttoning my shirt or zipping my pants or even removing my bra, I can't do it without jeffs help. it's even difficult to edit my voice work on the computer...my hand and fingers keeps slipping off of the mouse. My feet have to be in an enclosed shoe or I slide all over the place. It's crazy.Thank goodness the weather is warming up as it is giving me some relief....They say this may last up to a year...there has to be some remedy to rid me of this. I did the detox today...immersed my foot in ionized water...it turned rusty, almost black.....all I could think is good riddence chemo! But it's all about diet.I could go back next week and the water will be just as contaminated with my toxins....almighty Lord please come up with a different remedy for cancer it is one f'd up disease!.

Time to challenge the state of my life

It's all  a matter of choice, and yes a huge endeavor to challenge the state of my  life.To step back and really do an inventory can be painful, but seeing life through the eyes of cancer is a different vision. I need to challenge myself to stay healthy and take preventative steps and look at the littlest things in life as blessings.I need to be delivered from fear so i can really move on. I had a blessed day today, enjoyed a cup of coffee while reading the newspaper, spent time talking to my mechanic about life,dropped in on my friends new business and chatted,  and popped in on the local Amercian Cancer Society office....I was just there to pick up some stickers so that i may put them on my letters and I told them my story.The woman in the shop after hearing about my numb fingers and toes and loss of appetite finally on the rebound, losing my eye lashes and thinning of my hair...walked me into the wig room and gave me a wig! I was reduced to tears. How could they be so generous, I started to tear up and thanked her profusely. So for the fun of it, I have long blonde hair now...A simple beautiful gesture that made my day....I came home to  few voice overs and felt blessed.Guess Jesus really is the only way...he was behind this day of mine, I know he was! Thank you for my lfe!

Thinking about all of it all today

I found some notes I scribbled from sitting in church listening to the message, and felt compelled to write how they fed me. ...I guess I need to believe God wired me to make a difference. I am to tell people my story so that I can save their life. Everyone has a God story. We cross the line and he'll hand out a consequence. From this point on I need to challenge the state of my lfe. Challenge my fears, my sins, lack of trust and my judgemental ways. I need to be delivered from my fears most of all. I really need to make Jesus the leader of my life from this point on....I can't do it alone!
Tomorrow is Easter and i get to spend quality time with my great brothers..they have been so supportive checking in on me so often. it is so very special....something i will never ever forget.
Thank you God for my life.

The Countdown again...

I am waiting for the CT Scan results..I don't see the Doctor for 2 weeks...I pray I receive no phone call earlier, because I've been through that...the phone call from the office a few days after.."uh the Doctor would like to see you sooner"...yep i had that one with the uterine cancer screening results, and with the GI specialist who informed me my intestinal polyp was cancerous. A horrible call for anybody.So I wait for the Doctors appointment and I wait to hear those joyous words, ...."we found nothing in the scan" so I kept busy today with voice overs and voice tracking my internet radio show...it gives me joy and happiness, I am so glad I am doing my passion in life. Praise God. Thank you for my life today!

I stared at the operatory ceiling lights and began to cry

Today was the CT Scan to see if all the cancer is out...As I laid myself down on the table about to be slowly moved into the XRay chamber I prayed. They took a number of pictures having me hold my breath as the images were taken. I then had a break and they then put iodine into my veins. My pelvis  and insides became instantly warm...I slowly entered the chamber again. When I came back out I stared at the operatory ceiling again, and thought about my journey and how scary it was to be there today. It was then I felt the tears streaming down my face and dripping onto my neck. Iam almost done here, I hope to look back on this as a wake up call. But to have colonoscopies every year and paps every 3 months i will be faced with the anxiety again. God has been my companion through all of this, and my friends and family. Thank you God for my life today.
Oh by the way, I came home and cranked out 7 voice overs..it is my solace.

The Countdown begins...

Wednesday is my big day, yes it's another hurdle...It's the CT Scan that will show my clean body(thinking positive here ).The CT scan will show if any cancer is left in my body. I have to drink the juice on Tuesday, and then Wednesday morning it is the big day. I am doing my best to hold on to this positive thought. I still can't believe what I have learned from all of this ....so many things...trust, patience, the kindness of friends and family, avoiding the negative people...they have to help themselves, I can't afford to be their savior...I am so grateful during my uterine cancer surgery the Doctor's saw the intestinal polyp. I woud've went another year  without the colonoscopy and then it would be too late. I just couldn't bear to live in the "it's too late stage' Not after all I have already went through.
I am so ready to feel better. My appetite is back and i actually walked a few blocks on Friday. I really need to increase that, I really do. At church today the message was based on what Jesus did days before Palm Sunday and the Passover.... he wanted to make a difference. Our pastor then asked us: what are the differences I need to move away from. I am indifferent to trust, fear and bad mouthing others. These  ways I want to overcome and not let it rule my behavior. The learning in life goes on and on, and I can only hope my positive gifts from cancer will rule over those other ways of me. I thank God for my life...thank you God for my life today. Tomorrow I have an onsite voice over in town and I am sure I will have many scripts waiting for me tomorrow morning. Thank you God for leading me to my passion. Thank you.

The Countdown

Now I have the real countdown coming up...the final PET scan and blood test in 2 weeks. I can't imagine having to endure this journey again. I just have to be cured of cancer. My story is a message..please be pro active in your health issues. If there is a family history of a disease, get DNA tested, or at least have an annual physical every year. I know of so many people who say "I haven't been to a Doctor in years", can't live that one. Nobody should deal with chemo, it was the hardest thing I did in my life...thee hardest.
Thank you God for my life.

cancer and chemo my friends?

I woke up in the middle of the night and layed there for awhile..my thoughts starting running..."maybe I shouldn't be so hard on cancer and chemo" WTF? What was I thinkng??!!...but then again I always have said 'positive thoughts create positive results'. My friend who walked me through a few tough days and is a breast cancer survivior herself ,said.."one day you will thank your cancer". I thought she was crazy...but last night in the wee hours I thought "well, cancer has made me see the world in a different light, and I see people differently now and people were so giving to me during the treatments, -and my chemo, it was there to kill the cancer..so maybe, just maybe..I can thank them". Whew that was hard to write..but I am willing to work on it now that I am done.....FOREVER! There's my posttive thought! Thank you God for my life!

there's only one thing to trust in life...

I heard in church a statement by the pastor..."there is only one thing to put our trust in, God.
not money, not things". If there is one person I talked the most with during my cancer journey it is God.
Every few moments I am asking him to help me get through this. From day one I found myself continually talking to myself....God why? God tell me what I am suppose to learn? God help me through this. Please God please cure me. I am not a bible thumping christian. I don't know one single scripture by heart..but I beieve there is a God  and daily I have to remind myself 'trust' and that hes got a handle on this silent disease cancer. That has been my driving force in this chapter of my life.So as I always seem to write, I end this blog with...thank you for my life.

Chemo residuals

Chemo sucks...although my cancer surviving friend Julia said "if it's wrecking havoc on the ouside it's doing it's job inside" yeah right. It's been a week since I have been free of treatments, and i am still so very, very exhausted and the nueropathy in my fingers and toe suck. My hands hurt to curl them. My toes have to have socks or I go into a nerve ending tailspin. Today I just broke down and cried as I was lying next to the heater to get my hands and feet warm. I just asked God..."no more, no more I paid my dues, I don't want to pay them anymore". My big hurdle is coming in a few weeks it's the PET scan and blood work, my comforting thought is they gave me same chemo cocktail as they would have on a stage 4 person...it has to have worked. praise God for my life, I am afterall still alive!!

Slowly I am getting better!

I still have numbness in my toes and my fingers and my lips and hands are very dry. My thumb had cracks in the skin all this week and it was SO painful.  Slowly I am feeling a wee bit better! Thank God for that. I had a massage yesterday, and next week I am detoxing with my feet immersed in some kind of crazy ion water bath..whatever I can do to get this chemo out of me, I am damn ready!I thank God everyday for my life. I am feeling anxious about the upcoming PET scan and blood work...it should tell all, whether I am cancer free. I think sooner than later I will bring Adam in for a DNA test, it is so scary for me as a Mom and I am sure it will be so emotional. I don't want to ruin his focus as he is only 17-imagine being told that you inherited a cancerous gene at that age? I don't want to go through it yet, I just don't.I am going forward with mending me! I want to have fun in life now, I want to do more voice overs, I want to watch Adam  play Football his senior year in high school, graduate from college, marry and have a kid..I have to see this in my lifetime. God please let me do it!Thank you God for my life today.

I had cancer it does not have me

So now it's time to move on, I know that the journey was incredible, unbelievable, surreal. I am still so damn weak, I swear tomorrow it's the health food store for advice. I'm booking a massage and I want some kind of detox to get rid of this in my body. I still have numb toes and fingers, and dry lips. Now it's the wait for the hair to thicken, the eye lashes and eye brows to come back, and not feeling so fragile and weak.
Today I met with 2 great buds, and one offered a free facial, and she gave me the name of a great place to detox...I am so in. I want to repay my beautiful friends for helping me through-I swear they were my cheerleaders in this.....hm-m-m maybe a dinner for them, catered! Wouldn't that be so fun?...I am so ready for fun in my life. God guide me through this please. He has brought me adversity so I will seek him more, I am sure of this. Thank you God for my life today, I'm off to do some voice overs in the home studio!!

Done! Done ! Done!

I have never learned more about life than in this journey of cancer. I use to think being a Radio deejay taught me everything about life..dealing with the Program Director's egos, and the firings and trying to rejuvenate my career after being let go...but this cancer journey has been something else. Beautiful friends and families, and well wishers. Those that drove me to treatments will NEVER be forgotten and it was they that kept me going. Oh how I wanted to quit and I would cry so often because of the way I felt from the side effects, or seeing other cancer patients at the clinic...The disease is wrong. Horrible. Sucks, not fair...but again I have new eyes now...I think it will last. I hope to be able to help someone else in this situation. The compassion I feel for those who went through it, is so deep now. The compassion I feel for someone who says"My Mom or Dad went through it" I get it. I know it. Somebody told me one day I can thank my cancer...and there is a small part of me that hears myself saying "thank you cancer, you taught me to be strong and appreciate life in a new way" Today I turned in my pump. My little fanny pack full of the chemo drug, that put chemo in  my body for 48 hours after the infusion..I am done! done! done....I have one more hurdle to go over and thats a PET scan and blood test in a few weeks. That will tell all. The cancer must be gone..one measley lymph node invaded, it HAS to be gone. All I can say at this point is "Dear God Thank You for my life!"

Happy? You Betcha!

I did it! I had my last chemo today..it has been one tough journey as you know. From day one I tried to bargain with the Oncologist, I didn't want chemo.  Throughout the treatment I still didn't want it. My body was sick with symptoms every single day. I dreaded going through the day with all the nuisance, but I have to say I talked to God everyday trying to find out why he would give me this...I must have to be the messenger...Please if you are 50+ get a colonoscopy, and if your parents had cancers or other ancestors, look into it. I thought "No way, I eat healthy, I love my work, I can't get this" Even though every generation before me had cancer. Unfortunately it is genetic for me and now my dear son has a 50/50 chance of carrying my gene. Breaks my heart,but preventative we will go. When he is 20 I will encourage the DNA test, and we will go from there. I can't thank my blogger readers enough for following me on this journey, the well wishers, the prayers, those that drove me to and from chemo infusions, my childhood girlfriends and friends that just stepped up to the plate for me.Words can never explain my gratitude. Most of all I really have to step back and thank God. Despite me not understanding this, he kept whispering in my ears "trust and patience"...and now today while sitting in the Doctors office with all my drip bags of chemo hanging on its roller, I was alone in the chair, and I said "God give me one more of your words of advice, help me now". I swear it was quiet and I heard the words "stillness and be humble" So I go with that, I will savor the quiet times and be humbled by this experience and believe me, I am. So, as I close for tonight for a good night's sleep, all I can say is....Thank you God for my life!

Press On By Faith

Tomorrow is my big day..one of the biggest of my life. It can be my LAST chemo treatment as long as the blood cell count is good.. I am not here to survive, but thrive! I have to...Maybe I can be a blessing to others, maybe I already have been.I heard the most heartfelt song today with lyrics as: "There is a healing river...full of power and full of grace". I have to keep the faith and know all of this was worth it. I cannot imagine God's plan for me is to succomb to this horrible disesase. But!...I must always remember I am Stage #1 Colon Cancer, not #2 , nor #3 nor #4....I can do this and I will.It is all based on faith and letting go of the fear that surfaces in my brain.I still have it in me because I am going to follow my devine course!!!!Thank you God for my life, today.

Driving alone

I was thinking and thinking on my ride into the clinic today..."just look at what I am doing!" "Look at this, alone and going to this"..it takes strength and prayer to keep going. I am weak, which is a concern. I walked into my local UPS store, and the first words out of the tellers mouth weere "My gosh you've lost weight!"...I told her it was colon cancer and the chemo therapy...They were so, so sorry as I do allot of biz with them. I came home and sobbed. I have cried twice today.It's been such a long journey and I pray all this helacious treatment pays off. I thought about living without Adam..it made it all worse. I want so bad to see him go to college, fulfill those dreams, marry, have a child. My grandchild. Those that already have grandchildren at my age are so lucky.I will make it, but you can see the games the mind plays. I did ask God "why?" again....and there was silence. Maybe that was the message...to stay silent and listen..and if there is quiet, then it means to remain quiet and absorb all that is around us..Maybe that was the lesson, maybe it just was. Stay quiet and observe. I took a shot of wheat grass at Jamba Juice, and I do feel better. Thank you God for my life today!

Meeting a fellow cancer patient

I met with a girl today who was referred to me to share our cancer journey. We texted a few times, and talked twice on the phone, but today we met over coffee. There we both were sharing the  journey..the fears, the loss of weight, eye lashes, eyebrows, and for her... hair. She is a 36 year old breast cancer patient. A double masectomy and chemo, now it's ovaries to be removed and a wait see for reconstructive. We both said it all happens way too fast for any person to take. The meltdowns we shared and the hope to survive it all we prayed for..all so similar. Cancer you are an ass! This week I am receiving white blood cell count shots..to get me amped up for the last one!!!!!!Next week.
Thank you God for my life today!

Anger, so much anger

I knew it would eventually come up..there I was awakened last night at 1am to go to the bathroom, then back in bed and laying there.The anger surfaced. I am SO mad at myself for not going to get a colonoscopy when I turned 50. With my family's cancer history, why did I not? I told the nurse practioner I live a different life style than my parents, I am healthy....she would do a " I told you so" if she saw me today. I was then mad at my father, my grandfather for passing this gene down to me...Why me? Out of 4 siblings why the hell me? I do not like this..it has been a tough 7 month chemo challenge. It has been a year since I was scoped and then told 5 days later I had utereine cancer. A year of all this drama....then I am diagnosed after the first operation "cancer free" after losing my female organs...a hysterectomy. I sobbed a week later thinking my insides were gone. It was not easy to accept...I rationalized it, saying I had the child I wanted and it was done.Then to be told they found a polyp in my intestine while in surgery....I thought this will be okay..a week later they tell me it is cancerous.What the hell is God's plan? Everybody says God has this plan all wired.Why did he plan this for me? I am stumped. What the heck is going on?? Why would God want me to go through this......Today at church the most amazing message was all about money and greed, but then the pastor went over the 5 stages of loss....Denial:check, Anger:..here it is, Bargaining: oh I've done that with God, Depression: I've had my days and Acceptance...hm-m-m not there yet. There I was thinking, oh yea stage 2 I am at..the others came before the anger for some reason. What am i suppose to do with this now? Loss is hard to deal...the loss of my good health....it is extremely challenging to feel all these side effects day in and day out....Today I could barely walk around the St Paddys Day event, I started crying as we walked back to the car. I am so tired of this. I can only pray maybe Gods plan was for me to be the messenger of the importance of knowing your family history and not checking it out thoroughly, but then what comes after this? I am scared. Damn I am so scared. I need to take a ride to my ocean...my solace, my hope.

Oh I am so happy finally

I went in for chemo #11 yesterday!!!!!And I made it, my blood count was normalized...so I am counting down to #12, my last. This has been one helluva journey. The I have had from friends and family has been unbelievable. It has openend my eyes to life.... I thank the bank teller that asks how I am doing..I answer with, "thank you for asking,I am doing good". That's a question I took for granted for so many years. I recognize so clearly when people are negative, I just had to back offf being around them. I had to painfully tell a childhood friend I can't be around another persons "woe is me" attitude, I just couldn't...She didn't take it well and said I abandoned her..Why people don't understand the mental and physical toll chemo takes on one, I will never understand. it will take for them to walk my journey and then they would finally know. I am so grateful for my friends and family who have checked in, I am really blessed, and hope to be there for anyone else who goes through this. Thank you God for my life.

Thank goodness for the bookstore

I haven't done any research on cancer, but another beautiful caring girlfriend said there is a great cookbook out for cancer patients..."Sexy CrazyDiet"...sounded intriguing so I searched at the local bookstore. I couldn't find it, but found another book. So there I was sitting on the floor cross legged reading away, and the book said... don't look at cancer as a curse, it's a challenge they say, and you know what?... It really is just that ...yet dealing with the unsurmountable fatigue is so hard for this run around town girl....it just follows me everywhere. Naps and vitamins...Despite what the oncologist says I am marching myself over to the healthfood store tomorrow and getting  my self stronger...I want my energy back, my hair to thicken, my eyelashes,and eyebrows and my taste buds back!Cancer is a challenge and the chemo is doing it's job obviously if I am experiencing all these side effects. I managed to send out my 250 VO marketing cards and received a paycheck for my VO services.....it's tough being self employed but if my clients only knew I love my craft and during this challenge their projects are  keeping me sane. They'd be in awe I bet....so, thank you God for my craft, thank you God for my life.

The roller coaster ride of emotions

Today I got up did a few voice overs, sat down with my bowl of oatmeal, and heard a song that reduced me to tears. I cried to God asking him to cure me and not have to ever go through this again,..I am tired and have to deal with these damn chemo side effects everyday. Imagine just feeling yucky all the time? I am doing my best to go through this gracefully and am comforted by so many friends and family who say prayers and send postitive thoughts my way, but sometimes one needs to break  and I did so today...so now I am off to the shower, will dry my thining hair and put make up on to cover the eye brow loss and loss of lots of eye lashes and go outside and normalize my life..What a journey this has been...only 2 more to go. Praise God in all ways!

Platelets now done...frustration is high.

So I go in for my 11th treatment with mixed feelings so close to being done but know the outcome of chemo. They take my blood because I have been battling a low white blood cell count...and they found now my red cells are being attacked by the chemo...They delayed chemo for a week...I was down and frustrated but had to realize I don't want my platelets any lower or it could mean transfusions! Another hospital stay...I don't think so. I tried to fill my mind with positive thoughts. My dear childhood friend Denise brought me to a woman's retreat over the week end...a ticket wasn't used so I filled in...what an experience. 650 Christian women gathered to hear inspirational stories and beautiful vocals..it was just what I needed...The 2 speakers spoke on different subjects: Hope and Grace. To have hope in this situation and gracefully walk through it isn't always easy..but I am willing to..This is not something I signed up for and the fact it showed itself at this time in life, I guess is a blessing. I couldn't have handled it earlier in life.God has his plan.Let go and let God. I plug away in my home studio doing my voice overs and marketing the hell out of myself to drum up new gigs...it keeps me busy and it is something I am so passionate about...So! as with all endings: Thank you God for my Life!I will persevere!!!

Thought of my obituary today........

What the hell am I thinking?...I think it's just being exhausted from it all...I thought of my obituary and what it should say. This is not the thinking God wants....I wanted it to say how I love my girlfriends, my son, my husband, my family, my career...I think I am tired and worried at my weightloss..(105 pounds now) I went in for my last shot for my WBC for the week, but they will pick up again next week...but I am looking at chemo#11 on Monday and in a weird way I am looking forward to it,  it's because it is bringing me closer to being done! Done! Done! Done! This has been one helluva journey. Cancer you are a mean SOB, I don't like you, and I don't like what you have done to to others, it breaks my heart when I see patients in the clinic with me, I just can't forget what I see every week.......I learn from them though because they share their stories and their hope. Definitely they are lessons that I will cherish for the rest of my life. My voice overs keep my mind off of this crazy thinking...it's in the drive there to that cancer clinic that I think these crazy thoughts!......but I know I need to thank God for my life today...thank you God for my life.

Lady with scarf, man in wheel chair, husbands waiting to walk their wifes out

I needed the white blood cells shot again today, 5 days in a row they want. I managed to turn off the mic and go away with my husband and family and friends to the beautiful California Sierras for Presidents Day week end..I was exhausted just walking up the snowy driveway hill. I slept allot and just did what I could....I thought these shots were suppose to be my energy boosters? I am scared now....the thought of death goes through my mind. I have lost so much weight. I don't dare tell my husband. The site of all the people in the waiting room...the lady with the scarf and no hair, the man unable to stop sleeping in his wheel chair and the various husbands waiting for their wives to walk out from their shots ...it was almost too much for me today. But I headed home alone and took on a few errands and voice overs, and felt somewhat normal again. God help me through this ..take me to #11 and then there is 12 and I am done...thank you God for my life!

#10, #10, #10!!!

I cannot believe how far I have come..October my chemo journey began, and today it was#10! My white blood cells are down again, so now I have to do 5 days in a row of shots after I spend 2 days with my chemo pump!
My dearest friend Cheryle came in and sat with me today the WHOLE time. I was grateful but it was hard to accept her kind gesture when she said "I took the day off work".Boy it was hard. We read fashion magazines and laughed and talked the whole time. It took so much off my mind.
The side effects still suck, but I am determined to keep going...I have come this far and have tried numerous times to convince my Oncologist "do I really need this?" So crazy of me.
I came home with intentions to nap but I had 6 voice overs to tackle(yeah), and Adams Football profile to put together..so that means early to bed  tonight!
Thank you Cheryle, thanks my friends, family and most of all, I have to end with:
Thank you God for my life.

#10 has been on my mind

Chemo #10 is tomorrow...I have been thinking about it for days. How far I have come is truly remarkable, as I have not been happy dealing with these annoying chemo side effects weekly. I am so grateful for the cheerleaders that have kept me going, and my faith that I have upped the anty on...praise God, I know he has his hand in all of this. Cancer is screwed. It needs to be cured and there should not have to use such toxic chemicals to cure it. What the hell is it all about really? Viewed a Meryl Streep movie last night (First Do No harm) where she defended her epileptic son and challenged the surgeons and doctors who swear there way is the only way...oh it hit home. So tomorrow I move on and go through it again, pray for me please.

Damn side effects

People not going through cancer have no idea what a nuisance the side effects are. I hate them, and they are what get me down...right now it is no taste buds, runny nose, thining of hair, dry mouth,numbing of fingers, losing lots of weight....imagine all that going on at one time? Hopefully anyone reading this can see why it is difficult at times to be happy in this situation.I am counting the chemos...3 to go, and I can't wait until it is done and my body is normal again...oh how I can't wait....thank you God for my life. 

Dear Friends

My radio colleague, Veronica,  called me up and said "let me take you to lunch". We had the best gab session over food and I actually ate. She got so real with me..talking about raising kids and being careful about people and their motives, her spiritual journey with her son, and she just gave me the best time. It is all my friends who have been so supportive that I can move through this journey...the mind games I have talked about before can make it all a huge struggle..but little gestures like a lunch out show me people really do care about my diagnosis and hope I will get better...I will, I will look  back on this as an incredible eye opener and will have such  gratitude for great friends and family. So before I open up the mic and send out my auditions to my Agents and record clients commercials I can say today...thank you God for my life!

The chemo diet

I grew up thinkng I was fat,my thighs were big, my calves were big, really that's about all. My father use to say some terrible things to me about my weight when he got mad..."fat ass and fatso" My Mom even slipped me amphetmines to make sure I "wasn't fat like her" it was nuts. Then I went onto every diet imaginable..the B shots, the Weight Watchers, The Atkins, the Beverly Hills diet..it was nuts.Thank goodness I didn't get into binge purging, it's a miracle, really it is. I would rant with Julia whom I lived with after college, and would say in our drunken stupors.."I'm going to weigh 109!"......well Iv'e done it with chemo...I stepped on the scale at the infusion center on Friday and there before my eyes was not 109, but 107. The fricking chemo diet...I don't like the taste of foods it all tastes like paste.  I go to bed hungry and wake up swearing I will eat better.How can this drug do this to me? I have 3 more to go, Lord knows if my weight will drop more. My skinny jeans are baggy jeans..I am fatigued and just want to stay in bed...but I must go further, I am only stage 1..it is all to save my life.  It's all for Adam, it's for family and dear freinds...I will perservere....Screw you Cancer!

Driving alone to treatment is wild

We all wander with our minds when we drive..but driving to a chemo appointment, man that does some mind boggling things. I returned my chemo pump that I have to wear for a few days after infusion, (just so more damn chemo can be in my body)..I was driving there thinking.."man this is something else, this journey is just so damn surrreal,  I can't get over it" The room was full of patients sitting there with their chemo drips, it just made me so damn sad..and the gal with the sunken eyes and bandana scarf was there again, it broke my heart.....damn cancer is so screwed up! They removed all my tubing, I sucked on a mint because the saline solution is nasty...I taste it in my mouth and I hate it...but I am free from chemo for a week and am so, so  happy, but I have to drive in again  tomorrow to get my white blood cell booster shots for 3 days.....It is all so crazy..i still can't believe this has happened to me, never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be in this situation. My voiceovers keep me pre occupied and I so love doing them everyday..so I end with my usual rant.......GO TO HELL CANCER, YOU SUCK!.

As the Beatles sang: Number 9, number 9

I did it! I made number 9 chemo treatment...my mind has been playing tricks on me from day one..I procrastinate, I tell the oncologist how much I dislike this, but with prayer, and friends and family I have perservered...my blood count was up so I did number 9 infusion..I brought my Ipod  by the request from my 15 year breast cancer surviving buddy, Julia, who told me to do that. Of course I dialed up Boz music, and I napped while enjoying his beautiful voice.Conversing with the chemo patients always makes me come home and cry. Although I did chat a bit with an elderly man who had colon cancer too, he was funny and so real, asking me "so how long do you have to go through this crap?"I laughed...Jeff dropped in on me at the end because I drove myself...crazy, I know..but I have such a hard time asking people to take time out of their lives to drive me there...I actually did okay driving home alone..I went in praying, I had heard a message at my rockin church about how God has a far sighted view of my preservation and he is in control, just acknowledge he is taking care of me, and ask only... "if you will, can you heal me?"....It was hard to do, as I beg often to get this and that in my life.
So I have my pump that pumps chemo in my body every 2 minutes for 36 hours on me until Wednesday, then Thursday Friday and Monday I have shots again for my white blood cells...this is still so surreal to me....sometimes I want to yell at God...but it's inherited...maybe I should yell at my Father for passing this down to me...I don't know, I just know I have so many crazy thoughts in my mind at the same time.I am perservering though, I came home and got on the microphone and forgot about it all, and today I have worked 10 hours doing VO work...so it kept me pre occupied, and I am thankful for my life! Screw you cancer you are not going to win me over!!

Why do people put carcinogens in their body when I'm wanting them out?

As I sat in the clinic operatory today waiting for the shot to help my white blood cells come up..I stared out the window. I saw a girl walking toward the clinic smoking a cigarette..I thought to myself "why would you intentionally put carcinogens in your body  when I want them out? It didn't make sense, all the while my husband is on the nicotine patch after smoking for41 years..it just doesn't make any sense.That isn't all I saw...I noticed couple walking to their car, the 40 something guy was holding his wife's arm. I then wondered which one just had a chemo treatment. I then saw the woman let go of him and open the car doors. He leaned up to the car next to him from exhaustion,  with his hands on the trunk, he steadied himself and walked to the open door. I started to cry for him, as I know all too well the feeling of coming out of chemo.My heart ached. I have learned so much from this cancer diagnosis, It was a vision that will stay in mind for a long time. I just have to get through this. I want to see Adam graduate and play college football and find his career dream, marry and maybe have a kid, my grand kid.I pray God has his arms wrapped around me, and I pray tomorrow's shot will be okay and raise my blood white cells. i can only do one thing,I have to end on a positive...thank you for my life.

God did whisper patience in my ear awhile back

Well I thought I was going for chemo 9 today...anxiety as usual but excitement that it is bringing me closer to my 12th and last chemo treatment.....my dear son Adam, was off school today so drove me....I get into the car and he has a blue painter mask on....saying "Mom I am  too close in proximity to you so a mask it is"...I just melted...he of course drew a funny face on it and told me some movie had a Dad that wore one constantly because his daughter was sick, but in the end it was he that was sick too and died...oh, I would shed many tears watching that one.....at any rate, I got in and they drew blood only to find my white blood cell count was too low for chemo...I was so deeply bummed...I now have to go tomorrow for a shot-hoping no side effects, making #9 treatment  next week...argh,damn it..I remembered God whispered"Patience" in my ear when I walked along the beach awhile back while I  begged him to tell me something about all that I am going through, and I heard just the word: patience. So I am tested again...cancer you really are giving me lots of lessons! Off to do some voice overs for some piece of mind..my dear clients you have no idea you are keeping me sane.........praise God.

Died, Passed Away, Passed, Death.......Funerals and Memorial Services

I cannot believe since November I have been to 5 memorial services....one motorcycle death, one teen overdose, 2 cancers and one of natural causes.What the heck is this about? I think for me... to appreciate living. It just has to be...life is so damn precious, I just hope all who read this who are healthy place those two feet on your floor after rolling out of bed each morning and say "Thank you for my life" I am a bit floored at the realization of it all.
I went to Stanford Friday for my follow up to my gene testing..oh to have to go there! Every person sitting in the lobby is battling a form of cancer..the masked faces, the yellow skin, the skinny bodies..it is so overwhelming to me.It is not a pleasant site, believe me. The genetic researchers and Oncologist gave me my "to do" list..colonoscopies every year, endo scopy every 2 years to check my stomach, as Lynch Syndrome gene carriers have to watch for stomach cancers...just great! Also have to do urinealysis testing annually, of course mamograms and paps...geeez what the hell? What the hell?
Monday it is number nine chemo..I pray it is smooth, last week just kicked my butt and I really have been weak for the past week! I need to discuss all these stupid symptoms.....Cancer you are an ass!

Dealing with the thoughts in my head

My thoughts in my head took a twist the past few days...I am so weak and lethargic, I can hardly voice my voice overs on the mic. If only my clients knew....I was so weak going to the store yesterday, I picked up Ensure and Boost as my appetite is barley here and I am losing weight each week.My thoughts have been..am I dying here? My gosh I am only stage 1. The cancer has to be destroyed by now, but intermittently the thoughts come up. It scares me. My poor son, Adam, is scared, and I found a note he had written about how he hates seeing his Mom so frail and how he hates the drugs they are putting in me....I have to have faith...church said today that "God is using me as a plan and faith is not wishing on a star, I have to follow Gods plan with faith"...I am so grateful for the support from my friends and family-they keep me fighting..but God I need to watch these voices in my head....

cancer surviving friends who check in

There is nothing like speaking with a cancer survivor..especially when they are my dear friends...but when the phone calls come in I feel so guilty for not being there for them when they were going through it all. Nobody knows the walk like a cancer survivor...my dear long time friend JoAnn called last night from Texas...and I wasn't there for her 11 years ago when she went through cervical cancer..they gave her a 10 percent chance of surviving..but she told me she endured it all...chemo, radiation, test studies, and she is alive to tell me I am going to make it, I will get through this, and she shared her deepest darkest moments, and I could so relate to the fears and tears..they are my heroes, and anybody else who calls me to check in...I so appreciate them taking time out of their busy lives to wish me well...they are angels, they are my hope, they are providing me with lessons....people can be truly beautiful....all I can say at this point is ....thank you God for my life today.

Chemo side effects suck

I had number 8 yesterday! Just 4 more to go I have to hang in there, I just have to. I had my Mom buddy, Liz bring me, she was just the sweetest, before we went in she asked if she could pray for me, she took my gloved hands and held them and said the most beautiful prayer...giving me hope, take away my fears, pray for my son and husband...it was so special. She came in with me and they hooked me up. It all went so well...she stayed about an hour then left. I arranged for my childhood friend, Denise, to take me back home...it was so very special..if she only knew. It is so hard for me to ask for help....as I was about to leave I asked the nurse for something to drink...she gave me cold juice..with the 2nd sip my throut paralyzed..my tongue wouldn't let me speak words clearly, I was on the phone with a producer for an upcoming gig!!OMG...what could I do? The nurse was profusely sorry and gave me warm water...it's a another damn side effect of chemo. I barely walked out of there, and Denise drove me home with me slirring my words and I was so panicked. My voice is my money, my solace.I got in the house and sobbed....I was tired, hungry and there on my computer was 6 VO's to get out and one Agent audition...I couldn't take it, I had to get food and go to sleep...so this morning on the mic at 8am it was, and I cranked them all out and then more...my work keeps me busy, the chemo side effects suck!Screw you cancer.

Do the tears ever stop?

I went for my white blood cell shot, but before they were to give it to me they took a blood sample from my finger. As I waited there looking out the window, a woman sat herself down with the scarf on her head. I just shook my head and could feel the tears welling up...I looked ahead of me and there was her sister and niece. They came for support, I missed that support today..but the woman noticed my eyes tearing up, grabbed a tissue and said "you have to pray, you have to have hope"..I cried only more, and asked "what is your sister being treated for?"..."breast cancer stage 3" she replied, I began talking, with tears streaming down my face..."this makes me so sad seeing others, it makes me so sad dealing with this" The nurse came in and let me say it all over again with a huge understanding of where I was coming from. It was too much...but the blood results said my white blood cells were up..I didn't need the shot...it was victory for me. I felt relieved. As I walked out still trying to control more tears, I thought "this too will pass"......I will beat this stupid ass cancer and the chemo is helping me.....it's another... thank you for my life God.

Through the faces of others I can see God

That's what my pastor said last week in church, and I can affirm that in my journey here. The patients and friends and family who have offered me words of wisdom are showing me God. Their push for me to get through this, they are my gifts. I talked with my college room mate tonight,who battled breast cancer 15 years ago and won. She gave me sound advice to start programming in my head..It was God talking through her.
She tells me to think of it this way...All these side effects are showing me what the chemo is doing to the cancer...as much as they are a nuisance, if I can begin to see it as that..Well then, if this is tearing up my skin and stomach, it must be tearing up the cancer! As for the shots for the white blood cells being low, I've gotten through 2 so far, ...she said look at it as though the  shots are making me better....I so need to listen to "The Secret", the CD on health.  I am sure I will find ways of coping....number 8 is next week....number 3 shot is tomorrow...screw you cancer you are not going to win!

I will survive this

Positive thoughts create positive results..I use to have that hanging on my bathroom mirror..my affirmation to get into Radio 2 decades ago. I had post it notes all over my house..."I will make it to San Francisco radio"..."positive thoughts create positive results"....I have voice over affirmation's on every month of my calendar now, to keep me in the game and behind the almighty microphone, so I know it works...it worked for my career, it has to work for my health. I will have to do my shots this week for my low white blood cells..so I am praying no agonizing side effects..They have warned me of sore muscles..."a little Tylenol" they tell me will work...I hate them always suggesting more drugs...so looks like the positive thoughts are my ally. They will be, I am damn determined...go to hell cancer!