Annual Colonoscopy for a Colon Cancer Survivor

I guess it doesn't help that I have a large amount of anxiety around my Cancer. There are so many so much braver, are living with a colostomy bag and many who have lost the fight. I am living, I have no bag, and I am a baby.I dreaded today. I was behind in my annual Colonoscopy procedure. Procrastination, my former surgeon on a sabbatical, and finding a GI Surgeon close to home. I am suppose to have a Colonoscopy every year, and every other year an Endoscopy. The appointment where they go at Me on both ends. This was my appointment today. I have been a bundle of nerves for weeks.I found my new surgeon, had my Facetime appointment, and added it to my calendar. So today there I was...in a new facility, with a new surgeon and the year of the "double treatment". Lord knows I got through the prep, but the 1 hour drive to the new Surgeon was nerve wracking. I didn't say much on the ride just tried to stop the chatter in my brain. My son Adam checked in as I finally told him 2 days ago I was going in. he told me I need to work on the anxiety. HA! Easier said than done. Crazy thoughts passed through my mind. What if they find a polyp? What if I have to make the decision for treatment? What if it interrupts Adam's upcoming wedding? What if I'm not even here! The thoughts were rampant.The routine was the same: checking in with pages of papers to sign, then escorted to the room, then changing into the dumb oversized gown. As I settled myself on the bed and the Nurse came in to start the IV the tension grew.Questions, blood pressure, temperature and then to find the vein. My veins aren't easy, I knew when I felt her patting my arm she was having a problem. I began to breathe deeply. She tried. It didn't work. I hit my limit...I started to cry. Huge tears began pouring down my cheeks,and she apologized for hurting Me. I wasn't hurt, I was horribly scared. Through tears I told her, "My journey scares Me, you didn't hurt Me, it's all been too much for too many years" She felt so bad, and asked me to breathe deep, while we settled on my wrist. It worked! I was left to calm down. I stared at the walls. I told myself crying doesn't help and I have to get centered so I do well under anesthesia.As I met the Anesthesiologist I slowly felt better. She reassured me of the endoscopy as I told her I was afraid it would effect my speaking voice. I have voice overs to do when I get home and I booked one with my Agent, so I can't have a different voice.She rolled me into the operating room. I saw new faces in the room. A new nurse approached me and said "I am going to insert your mouth piece, this will allow for the endoscopy" I quickly looked over and heard the Anesthesiologist say, "okay, Trish here you go, sweet dreams" Upon waking back in my room there stood my surgeon, Dr Low. "Well everything went great", In my drug induced stuper all I could ask was "Any polyps?" "Absolutely none, I knew you'd be good" Suddenly everything was good, the relief was heavenly, and I could live again for another year.He found some tissue to look at in my stomach, but not of any concern, some mention of Celiac. I will deal with that and read up on it when I get home is what I thought.I was finally elated. So I did it.It is a learning process every year and every year its at a different moment that I cry.I am a baby.Annuals do a number on Me. When I got home I thanked all my prayer warriors who I reached out to. I wrap this day up with deep gratitude once again. God help everyone who goes through health issues. I understand more than you know. Thank you for my life today.

She would've been 90, but she died at 50

January 16th is a date that stops me in my tracks every year. My Moms birthday.Birthdays were a very big deal in my childhood not just for me, but for the whole family. Gifts, and a cake with ice cream, and a gathering and the infamous phonecall: "__ years ago today I brought home a little baby girl!"...and on and on and on.My Mom made a big deal about them. But her birthdays were cut short, way too short.She died at 50, from Cancer. I found my Moms gravesite just 2 months ago, after having not visited it for decades, My husband and I were in nearby Vacaville at a birthday party in Fairfield. There was no way I could be that close and not visit her gravesite. I was hell bent on finding it. After several strolls around the vicinity in which I thought she was in, I found her! It was unreal. I had some coffee in hand and sat down near her plot and sipped the rest of it. Mom loved coffee. Coffee with her girlfriends was a must each day of her living life. I never shared coffee with her when she was alive, so this coffee moment was extra special. My visit confirmed to me, I must see it again, and why not on January 16th? January 16th 2022, I packed up my car with my silly Olde English Bulldog, LugNut, a small bouquet of flowers and pine clippings from my beautiful property and we trekked to Vacaville again. I zig zagged through the cemetary as I was trying to find it quicker this time, up and down the narrow one laned roads and I finally did find her plot.I did! Unloading all that I brought, the pretty red carnation flowers and baby breaths, the cellphone, and LugNut all leashed up, we walked to her grave. There it was and there it blaringly showed she was 90. She would've been. LugNut immediately sat down with his Bulldog side saddle and sat right smack on the edge of her gravesite, turned around with that funny little lower poutted lip and looked at Me.I laughed and thought, "Gosh my Mom would've loved you LugNut" She loved cats, and horses and all types of dogs. Vacaville was where she was born and she stayed at the family Cherry Farm ranch as a child, so it all felt like home to Me. I saw a beautiful blue jay fly down to the fence and stare our way. I wondered if it was Mom maybe checking in with Me. I really didn't say much. I placed the pretty bouquet of flowers in the small vase I brought there, and placed the extra pine sprigs on her parents grave, my great great Aunt's grave and my Grampas Brother and sister in law graves. I had really only one important yet sad thing to say: "I miss you Mom". I packed up my things and slowly cruised out of the cemetary.I scrolled through my playlist in my phone and selected the Sappy Sads, and as I pulled out of the cemetary grounds I heard an old Jim Croce song, "Time In A Bottle", my Mom loved that song, and I smiled knowing I made a big thing about HER birthday today, and she deserved it. She would've been 90, but she died at 50.

3 stories of Self Care at the Rose Hotel

Plans for Christmas 2021 became increasingly stressful as we neared the day. Carefully watching the forecast of the sierra's impending snow storm began to dictate whether plans to be with our son would be feasible.My husband started his loud ranting about how our son doesn't spend time with us, how he is tired of going to other peoples homes, how he has an obligation to keep our property plowed along with the neighbors properties he felt obligated to do also.The escalation of his yelling was turning my stomach again. I wanted to see my son, I wanted to then go down to Capitola to my serenity, and then on the way home would attend my dear friends celebration of life services. I was orchestrating it all to make it work out. I was internalizing allot of jumbled up nerves. I hated where it was all going. I called my son and let him know I was worrying about the weather and played down his Fathers thoughts.My son came through with an idea...spend the night at the historic Rose Hotel on Main Street in downtown Pleasanton, attend the Christmas gathering and next day head to Capitola. I loved the idea,as it was his gift to us for Christmas. As my husband continuued to rant and then conclude the gift certificate was being spent with money we lent our son I knew this plan was going nowhere.I realized I can go solo, husband can stay home and do his plowing and receive his kudos from all the neighbors and I was going to find my peace of mind. After making sure Christmas Eve he had his favorite meal, I played the game because I knew in my mind I was about to feed my soul, and practice self care. Christmas morning I crawled out the driveway in my AWD Honda with light snow gently falling along with a huge storm pending and my favorite hand picked Christmas tunes playing through my phone. I was escaping. All I could think is :Merry Christmas to me. I stayed at the Rose Hotel decades ago, with my husband in fact. I wrote a cute story about how we had met, when the marriage was all good, and sure enough I hit the jackpot with a complimentary stay at The Rose.When I entered the hotel with my suitcase in hand and saw it was still magical. Every single corner was decorated with holiday decor, the fire was burning in the fireplace and the coincierge was so lovely. My room wasn't quite ready so I sat myself on the cozy velvet couch, sipping a delicious cup of coffee while watching the rain out the decorated windows. I was in my heaven. Moments later I saw a solo man sit down at a lobby table, open his laptop and feverishly begin typing away. He answered a few phone calls and went back to his project. I couldn't help but to at least walk by and wish him a Merry Christmas.It seemed sensible to ask "a tourist?". "No", he paused for a few seconds and said "actually I live right down the street"."oh, how nice a staycation?"I asked. "Well actually I moved out from my house, my girlfriend and I are going through something,this hotel made the most sense for me to escape to", I replied, "wow not the best time to be going through this, but if it's any consolation to you, I have a scrooge at home who pretty much dictated my outcome of staying here tonight. Besides I want to see my son, and then escape to Capitola a few days" The conversation comfortably continuued. "She doesn't know what she wants, wants to travel all the time, but I have a business to run, I can't just do that", I replied, "she sounds restless, I was married before, he left me unexpectedly and I knew right then I better travel to places I've never been to, get my career together and get myself a roof over my head, and I did,my condo that I am escaping to is just that, it's my peace of mind,it's my 401, I'm not letting anyone take that away from me""This stay here tonight is exactly what I need" Our conversation was very pleasant as we shared our personal stories. Suddenly the coincierge walked by and smiled "I couldn't help but hear your conversation, I was married before, he was an alcoholic, I had to get out. I remarried but I then knew more of what I need to stay sane in life, I stay here on weekends to do my job and then go home afterwards. it's how I keep my marriage working" We all looked at each other and laughed.There we were all finding ways to practice self care, save ourselves from the drama we signed up for in our sometimes sad lives. There really was nothing more to say to my friend, but "I hope it works out to whatever is best, Merry Christmas, and thanks so much for the chat" I checked in my room and oohed and awed all the beauty in it's 4 walls. A jacuzzi spa, luxurious bed, velvet chairs, quiet, just the gift I needed. Adam and his fiance' came and picked me up and brought me to the Christmas gathering. We laughed, we ate, we drank and exchanged gifts.I was dropped off back at The Rose Hotel and stopped in the lobby and sat by the glowing fire alone and thought about my night. I did treat myself to a wonderful gift by not letting my husbands tyrrade stop me and there I was with 2 others, all 3 of us who had found The Rose Hotel to feed our souls and practice the self care we needed for our stories. It was magical, it was wonderful because we were all blessings to each other at the beautiful magical Rose Hotel.