I had cancer it does not have me

So now it's time to move on, I know that the journey was incredible, unbelievable, surreal. I am still so damn weak, I swear tomorrow it's the health food store for advice. I'm booking a massage and I want some kind of detox to get rid of this in my body. I still have numb toes and fingers, and dry lips. Now it's the wait for the hair to thicken, the eye lashes and eye brows to come back, and not feeling so fragile and weak.
Today I met with 2 great buds, and one offered a free facial, and she gave me the name of a great place to detox...I am so in. I want to repay my beautiful friends for helping me through-I swear they were my cheerleaders in this.....hm-m-m maybe a dinner for them, catered! Wouldn't that be so fun?...I am so ready for fun in my life. God guide me through this please. He has brought me adversity so I will seek him more, I am sure of this. Thank you God for my life today, I'm off to do some voice overs in the home studio!!

Done! Done ! Done!

I have never learned more about life than in this journey of cancer. I use to think being a Radio deejay taught me everything about life..dealing with the Program Director's egos, and the firings and trying to rejuvenate my career after being let go...but this cancer journey has been something else. Beautiful friends and families, and well wishers. Those that drove me to treatments will NEVER be forgotten and it was they that kept me going. Oh how I wanted to quit and I would cry so often because of the way I felt from the side effects, or seeing other cancer patients at the clinic...The disease is wrong. Horrible. Sucks, not fair...but again I have new eyes now...I think it will last. I hope to be able to help someone else in this situation. The compassion I feel for those who went through it, is so deep now. The compassion I feel for someone who says"My Mom or Dad went through it" I get it. I know it. Somebody told me one day I can thank my cancer...and there is a small part of me that hears myself saying "thank you cancer, you taught me to be strong and appreciate life in a new way" Today I turned in my pump. My little fanny pack full of the chemo drug, that put chemo in  my body for 48 hours after the infusion..I am done! done! done....I have one more hurdle to go over and thats a PET scan and blood test in a few weeks. That will tell all. The cancer must be gone..one measley lymph node invaded, it HAS to be gone. All I can say at this point is "Dear God Thank You for my life!"

Happy? You Betcha!

I did it! I had my last chemo today..it has been one tough journey as you know. From day one I tried to bargain with the Oncologist, I didn't want chemo.  Throughout the treatment I still didn't want it. My body was sick with symptoms every single day. I dreaded going through the day with all the nuisance, but I have to say I talked to God everyday trying to find out why he would give me this...I must have to be the messenger...Please if you are 50+ get a colonoscopy, and if your parents had cancers or other ancestors, look into it. I thought "No way, I eat healthy, I love my work, I can't get this" Even though every generation before me had cancer. Unfortunately it is genetic for me and now my dear son has a 50/50 chance of carrying my gene. Breaks my heart,but preventative we will go. When he is 20 I will encourage the DNA test, and we will go from there. I can't thank my blogger readers enough for following me on this journey, the well wishers, the prayers, those that drove me to and from chemo infusions, my childhood girlfriends and friends that just stepped up to the plate for me.Words can never explain my gratitude. Most of all I really have to step back and thank God. Despite me not understanding this, he kept whispering in my ears "trust and patience"...and now today while sitting in the Doctors office with all my drip bags of chemo hanging on its roller, I was alone in the chair, and I said "God give me one more of your words of advice, help me now". I swear it was quiet and I heard the words "stillness and be humble" So I go with that, I will savor the quiet times and be humbled by this experience and believe me, I am. So, as I close for tonight for a good night's sleep, all I can say is....Thank you God for my life!

Press On By Faith

Tomorrow is my big day..one of the biggest of my life. It can be my LAST chemo treatment as long as the blood cell count is good.. I am not here to survive, but thrive! I have to...Maybe I can be a blessing to others, maybe I already have been.I heard the most heartfelt song today with lyrics as: "There is a healing river...full of power and full of grace". I have to keep the faith and know all of this was worth it. I cannot imagine God's plan for me is to succomb to this horrible disesase. But!...I must always remember I am Stage #1 Colon Cancer, not #2 , nor #3 nor #4....I can do this and I will.It is all based on faith and letting go of the fear that surfaces in my brain.I still have it in me because I am going to follow my devine course!!!!Thank you God for my life, today.

Driving alone

I was thinking and thinking on my ride into the clinic today..."just look at what I am doing!" "Look at this, alone and going to this"..it takes strength and prayer to keep going. I am weak, which is a concern. I walked into my local UPS store, and the first words out of the tellers mouth weere "My gosh you've lost weight!"...I told her it was colon cancer and the chemo therapy...They were so, so sorry as I do allot of biz with them. I came home and sobbed. I have cried twice today.It's been such a long journey and I pray all this helacious treatment pays off. I thought about living without Adam..it made it all worse. I want so bad to see him go to college, fulfill those dreams, marry, have a child. My grandchild. Those that already have grandchildren at my age are so lucky.I will make it, but you can see the games the mind plays. I did ask God "why?" again....and there was silence. Maybe that was the message...to stay silent and listen..and if there is quiet, then it means to remain quiet and absorb all that is around us..Maybe that was the lesson, maybe it just was. Stay quiet and observe. I took a shot of wheat grass at Jamba Juice, and I do feel better. Thank you God for my life today!

Meeting a fellow cancer patient

I met with a girl today who was referred to me to share our cancer journey. We texted a few times, and talked twice on the phone, but today we met over coffee. There we both were sharing the  journey..the fears, the loss of weight, eye lashes, eyebrows, and for her... hair. She is a 36 year old breast cancer patient. A double masectomy and chemo, now it's ovaries to be removed and a wait see for reconstructive. We both said it all happens way too fast for any person to take. The meltdowns we shared and the hope to survive it all we prayed for..all so similar. Cancer you are an ass! This week I am receiving white blood cell count shots..to get me amped up for the last one!!!!!!Next week.
Thank you God for my life today!

Anger, so much anger

I knew it would eventually come up..there I was awakened last night at 1am to go to the bathroom, then back in bed and laying there.The anger surfaced. I am SO mad at myself for not going to get a colonoscopy when I turned 50. With my family's cancer history, why did I not? I told the nurse practioner I live a different life style than my parents, I am healthy....she would do a " I told you so" if she saw me today. I was then mad at my father, my grandfather for passing this gene down to me...Why me? Out of 4 siblings why the hell me? I do not like this..it has been a tough 7 month chemo challenge. It has been a year since I was scoped and then told 5 days later I had utereine cancer. A year of all this drama....then I am diagnosed after the first operation "cancer free" after losing my female organs...a hysterectomy. I sobbed a week later thinking my insides were gone. It was not easy to accept...I rationalized it, saying I had the child I wanted and it was done.Then to be told they found a polyp in my intestine while in surgery....I thought this will be okay..a week later they tell me it is cancerous.What the hell is God's plan? Everybody says God has this plan all wired.Why did he plan this for me? I am stumped. What the heck is going on?? Why would God want me to go through this......Today at church the most amazing message was all about money and greed, but then the pastor went over the 5 stages of loss....Denial:check, Anger:..here it is, Bargaining: oh I've done that with God, Depression: I've had my days and Acceptance...hm-m-m not there yet. There I was thinking, oh yea stage 2 I am at..the others came before the anger for some reason. What am i suppose to do with this now? Loss is hard to deal...the loss of my good health....it is extremely challenging to feel all these side effects day in and day out....Today I could barely walk around the St Paddys Day event, I started crying as we walked back to the car. I am so tired of this. I can only pray maybe Gods plan was for me to be the messenger of the importance of knowing your family history and not checking it out thoroughly, but then what comes after this? I am scared. Damn I am so scared. I need to take a ride to my ocean...my solace, my hope.

Oh I am so happy finally

I went in for chemo #11 yesterday!!!!!And I made it, my blood count was normalized...so I am counting down to #12, my last. This has been one helluva journey. The I have had from friends and family has been unbelievable. It has openend my eyes to life.... I thank the bank teller that asks how I am doing..I answer with, "thank you for asking,I am doing good". That's a question I took for granted for so many years. I recognize so clearly when people are negative, I just had to back offf being around them. I had to painfully tell a childhood friend I can't be around another persons "woe is me" attitude, I just couldn't...She didn't take it well and said I abandoned her..Why people don't understand the mental and physical toll chemo takes on one, I will never understand. it will take for them to walk my journey and then they would finally know. I am so grateful for my friends and family who have checked in, I am really blessed, and hope to be there for anyone else who goes through this. Thank you God for my life.

Thank goodness for the bookstore

I haven't done any research on cancer, but another beautiful caring girlfriend said there is a great cookbook out for cancer patients..."Sexy CrazyDiet"...sounded intriguing so I searched at the local bookstore. I couldn't find it, but found another book. So there I was sitting on the floor cross legged reading away, and the book said... don't look at cancer as a curse, it's a challenge they say, and you know what?... It really is just that ...yet dealing with the unsurmountable fatigue is so hard for this run around town girl....it just follows me everywhere. Naps and vitamins...Despite what the oncologist says I am marching myself over to the healthfood store tomorrow and getting  my self stronger...I want my energy back, my hair to thicken, my eyelashes,and eyebrows and my taste buds back!Cancer is a challenge and the chemo is doing it's job obviously if I am experiencing all these side effects. I managed to send out my 250 VO marketing cards and received a paycheck for my VO services.....it's tough being self employed but if my clients only knew I love my craft and during this challenge their projects are  keeping me sane. They'd be in awe I bet....so, thank you God for my craft, thank you God for my life.

The roller coaster ride of emotions

Today I got up did a few voice overs, sat down with my bowl of oatmeal, and heard a song that reduced me to tears. I cried to God asking him to cure me and not have to ever go through this again,..I am tired and have to deal with these damn chemo side effects everyday. Imagine just feeling yucky all the time? I am doing my best to go through this gracefully and am comforted by so many friends and family who say prayers and send postitive thoughts my way, but sometimes one needs to break  and I did so today...so now I am off to the shower, will dry my thining hair and put make up on to cover the eye brow loss and loss of lots of eye lashes and go outside and normalize my life..What a journey this has been...only 2 more to go. Praise God in all ways!

Platelets now done...frustration is high.

So I go in for my 11th treatment with mixed feelings so close to being done but know the outcome of chemo. They take my blood because I have been battling a low white blood cell count...and they found now my red cells are being attacked by the chemo...They delayed chemo for a week...I was down and frustrated but had to realize I don't want my platelets any lower or it could mean transfusions! Another hospital stay...I don't think so. I tried to fill my mind with positive thoughts. My dear childhood friend Denise brought me to a woman's retreat over the week end...a ticket wasn't used so I filled in...what an experience. 650 Christian women gathered to hear inspirational stories and beautiful vocals..it was just what I needed...The 2 speakers spoke on different subjects: Hope and Grace. To have hope in this situation and gracefully walk through it isn't always easy..but I am willing to..This is not something I signed up for and the fact it showed itself at this time in life, I guess is a blessing. I couldn't have handled it earlier in life.God has his plan.Let go and let God. I plug away in my home studio doing my voice overs and marketing the hell out of myself to drum up new gigs...it keeps me busy and it is something I am so passionate about...So! as with all endings: Thank you God for my Life!I will persevere!!!