Thought of my obituary today........

What the hell am I thinking?...I think it's just being exhausted from it all...I thought of my obituary and what it should say. This is not the thinking God wants....I wanted it to say how I love my girlfriends, my son, my husband, my family, my career...I think I am tired and worried at my weightloss..(105 pounds now) I went in for my last shot for my WBC for the week, but they will pick up again next week...but I am looking at chemo#11 on Monday and in a weird way I am looking forward to it,  it's because it is bringing me closer to being done! Done! Done! Done! This has been one helluva journey. Cancer you are a mean SOB, I don't like you, and I don't like what you have done to to others, it breaks my heart when I see patients in the clinic with me, I just can't forget what I see every week.......I learn from them though because they share their stories and their hope. Definitely they are lessons that I will cherish for the rest of my life. My voice overs keep my mind off of this crazy thinking...it's in the drive there to that cancer clinic that I think these crazy thoughts!......but I know I need to thank God for my life today...thank you God for my life.

Lady with scarf, man in wheel chair, husbands waiting to walk their wifes out

I needed the white blood cells shot again today, 5 days in a row they want. I managed to turn off the mic and go away with my husband and family and friends to the beautiful California Sierras for Presidents Day week end..I was exhausted just walking up the snowy driveway hill. I slept allot and just did what I could....I thought these shots were suppose to be my energy boosters? I am scared now....the thought of death goes through my mind. I have lost so much weight. I don't dare tell my husband. The site of all the people in the waiting room...the lady with the scarf and no hair, the man unable to stop sleeping in his wheel chair and the various husbands waiting for their wives to walk out from their shots ...it was almost too much for me today. But I headed home alone and took on a few errands and voice overs, and felt somewhat normal again. God help me through this ..take me to #11 and then there is 12 and I am done...thank you God for my life!

#10, #10, #10!!!

I cannot believe how far I have come..October my chemo journey began, and today it was#10! My white blood cells are down again, so now I have to do 5 days in a row of shots after I spend 2 days with my chemo pump!
My dearest friend Cheryle came in and sat with me today the WHOLE time. I was grateful but it was hard to accept her kind gesture when she said "I took the day off work".Boy it was hard. We read fashion magazines and laughed and talked the whole time. It took so much off my mind.
The side effects still suck, but I am determined to keep going...I have come this far and have tried numerous times to convince my Oncologist "do I really need this?" So crazy of me.
I came home with intentions to nap but I had 6 voice overs to tackle(yeah), and Adams Football profile to put together..so that means early to bed  tonight!
Thank you Cheryle, thanks my friends, family and most of all, I have to end with:
Thank you God for my life.

#10 has been on my mind

Chemo #10 is tomorrow...I have been thinking about it for days. How far I have come is truly remarkable, as I have not been happy dealing with these annoying chemo side effects weekly. I am so grateful for the cheerleaders that have kept me going, and my faith that I have upped the anty on...praise God, I know he has his hand in all of this. Cancer is screwed. It needs to be cured and there should not have to use such toxic chemicals to cure it. What the hell is it all about really? Viewed a Meryl Streep movie last night (First Do No harm) where she defended her epileptic son and challenged the surgeons and doctors who swear there way is the only way...oh it hit home. So tomorrow I move on and go through it again, pray for me please.

Damn side effects

People not going through cancer have no idea what a nuisance the side effects are. I hate them, and they are what get me down...right now it is no taste buds, runny nose, thining of hair, dry mouth,numbing of fingers, losing lots of weight....imagine all that going on at one time? Hopefully anyone reading this can see why it is difficult at times to be happy in this situation.I am counting the chemos...3 to go, and I can't wait until it is done and my body is normal again...oh how I can't wait....thank you God for my life. 

Dear Friends

My radio colleague, Veronica,  called me up and said "let me take you to lunch". We had the best gab session over food and I actually ate. She got so real with me..talking about raising kids and being careful about people and their motives, her spiritual journey with her son, and she just gave me the best time. It is all my friends who have been so supportive that I can move through this journey...the mind games I have talked about before can make it all a huge struggle..but little gestures like a lunch out show me people really do care about my diagnosis and hope I will get better...I will, I will look  back on this as an incredible eye opener and will have such  gratitude for great friends and family. So before I open up the mic and send out my auditions to my Agents and record clients commercials I can say today...thank you God for my life!

The chemo diet

I grew up thinkng I was fat,my thighs were big, my calves were big, really that's about all. My father use to say some terrible things to me about my weight when he got mad..."fat ass and fatso" My Mom even slipped me amphetmines to make sure I "wasn't fat like her" it was nuts. Then I went onto every diet imaginable..the B shots, the Weight Watchers, The Atkins, the Beverly Hills diet..it was nuts.Thank goodness I didn't get into binge purging, it's a miracle, really it is. I would rant with Julia whom I lived with after college, and would say in our drunken stupors.."I'm going to weigh 109!"......well Iv'e done it with chemo...I stepped on the scale at the infusion center on Friday and there before my eyes was not 109, but 107. The fricking chemo diet...I don't like the taste of foods it all tastes like paste.  I go to bed hungry and wake up swearing I will eat better.How can this drug do this to me? I have 3 more to go, Lord knows if my weight will drop more. My skinny jeans are baggy jeans..I am fatigued and just want to stay in bed...but I must go further, I am only stage 1..it is all to save my life.  It's all for Adam, it's for family and dear freinds...I will perservere....Screw you Cancer!

Driving alone to treatment is wild

We all wander with our minds when we drive..but driving to a chemo appointment, man that does some mind boggling things. I returned my chemo pump that I have to wear for a few days after infusion, (just so more damn chemo can be in my body)..I was driving there thinking.."man this is something else, this journey is just so damn surrreal,  I can't get over it" The room was full of patients sitting there with their chemo drips, it just made me so damn sad..and the gal with the sunken eyes and bandana scarf was there again, it broke my heart.....damn cancer is so screwed up! They removed all my tubing, I sucked on a mint because the saline solution is nasty...I taste it in my mouth and I hate it...but I am free from chemo for a week and am so, so  happy, but I have to drive in again  tomorrow to get my white blood cell booster shots for 3 days.....It is all so crazy..i still can't believe this has happened to me, never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be in this situation. My voiceovers keep me pre occupied and I so love doing them everyday..so I end with my usual rant.......GO TO HELL CANCER, YOU SUCK!.

As the Beatles sang: Number 9, number 9

I did it! I made number 9 chemo treatment...my mind has been playing tricks on me from day one..I procrastinate, I tell the oncologist how much I dislike this, but with prayer, and friends and family I have perservered...my blood count was up so I did number 9 infusion..I brought my Ipod  by the request from my 15 year breast cancer surviving buddy, Julia, who told me to do that. Of course I dialed up Boz music, and I napped while enjoying his beautiful voice.Conversing with the chemo patients always makes me come home and cry. Although I did chat a bit with an elderly man who had colon cancer too, he was funny and so real, asking me "so how long do you have to go through this crap?"I laughed...Jeff dropped in on me at the end because I drove myself...crazy, I know..but I have such a hard time asking people to take time out of their lives to drive me there...I actually did okay driving home alone..I went in praying, I had heard a message at my rockin church about how God has a far sighted view of my preservation and he is in control, just acknowledge he is taking care of me, and ask only... "if you will, can you heal me?"....It was hard to do, as I beg often to get this and that in my life.
So I have my pump that pumps chemo in my body every 2 minutes for 36 hours on me until Wednesday, then Thursday Friday and Monday I have shots again for my white blood cells...this is still so surreal to me....sometimes I want to yell at God...but it's inherited...maybe I should yell at my Father for passing this down to me...I don't know, I just know I have so many crazy thoughts in my mind at the same time.I am perservering though, I came home and got on the microphone and forgot about it all, and today I have worked 10 hours doing VO work...so it kept me pre occupied, and I am thankful for my life! Screw you cancer you are not going to win me over!!