My Birthday and it's a big thing

It really is a big deal....last year at this time I was diagnosed with malignant colon cancer, I had the polyp removed, the port was placed and I was about to endure 6 months of chemotherapy. I did it, and I made it....to another birthday. Wow. I am speechless.

Another day in counseling brings more clarity

Experiencing cancer allowed me to experience present moment thinking. Those grueling 6 months of chemo kept my mind off trivial, toxic things and on living one minute at a time. My counselor was blown away when I shared that with him today. It keeps coming back at Me....I saw a part of me I did not think could exist. As I grow older and in days about to approach another birthday I realize how much more, my cancer diagnosis did things for me I don't know if i could have created myself...it just never ceases to amaze me. Tomorrow I get my port flushed. The port that was the entry way for all the chemo drugs. Tomorrow I go back to the clinic where it all happened. I am dreading it. Maybe I can give hope to someone-I don't know what I can actually give-but maybe just putting aside all this anticipated fear and stepping up will be enough. I don't know, but I do know obsessing on it is just what i learned NOT to do while going through chemo. So, I take a huge deep breath and trust this moment is what it's suppose to be. God thank you for today and bless me for tomorrow.

It's too hard to understand

Why does everything happen the way it does?I can only conclude God has  his hands in it everytime. The lesson is there for us to learn. It's the perfect opportunity for the student to be taught.When observing the same ol story occuring over and over again... it is time. It seems as though I go through all this drama to be heard. It's like I never had a voice and when things happen that involve me it is me looking to be heard. How funny I chose a career that allowed my voice to be heard via a microphone-but ah yes, the words aren't even mine  as they are really carefully dictated by some Program Director, or by a script. So the microphone is symbolic as to what I really want...to be heard. Whether it is to cry or to be frustratingly angry there is this desperate action to be heard, to get attention, to act stubborn, to not forgive someone to make my point. All I am really trying to do is say what I am feeling. I know where it all is coming from....from a place a long, long time ago when I was just a little girl. It all seems like a big  internal mess.   

September 20th and it's symbolic date

I was driving home tonight thinking about my crazy life and my crazy personality and then I relaized that exactly one year ago on this date I was told I had malignant colon cancer and I was taking on the assignment of chemotherapy for 6 months. My world turned absolutely upside down...but today Sept. 20th 2011...Jeff is home from his colon surgery and his surgeon called to say "there is no cancer, all lymph nodes are clear" The same day, one year later, different results...it's just all too insane for me to take in. Everything lately is becoming more insane. I am not in a good place... I just can't seem to see good now and I don't know what is happening.Too much trauma has happened.

Don't judge self...it pulls me out of the awareness role

Another visit to the therapist.....after all the trauma of cancer, the ups and downs of married life, the wacked out arena in Radio, that dirty little dysfunctional mental habit of mine exists.....judging myself and my every thought. Just when I think something-anything-I judge myself on the thought. What a cycle.....you'd think with looking death in the eye not once, but twice I'd have it all together...ha! So it goes....my way of operating in my life.
It's a one minute at a time approach for me I guess.
The therapist is amazed at how hard I am on myself. I stand up for myself, finally, and I immediately worry that I caused more trouble...what the hell is that all about? So my assignment for the week is to not judge myself when I have decided to speak up and protect myself-for when I do, I cannot be aware of my enlightenment.
It all sounds like so much damn work, but then again it's time to really understand what it is like to be gentle to me and nurture me.
So in the meantime I can do what I do best....flip on the microphone and do what makes me feel good, do what validates what I have....my voice. Thank you God for that instrument.

My husband now faces the surgery

How could this possibly be? I have concluded that my cancers were meant to be messages to people to take care of their health. To be mindful of your family's health hsitory, to not assume. My smoking, coffee drinking, white bread eating husband has a colon polyp that needs to be removed. It doesn't look cancerous the Doctor says-but it is soemthing one doesn't leave in their bodies as they can turn. Jeff got the colonoscopy a few months back after seeing the hell I went through while enduring chemotherapy. We know all too well what it did to me, our family, our son-so he went for it. The polyp was too big to be removed in the office...so tomorrow is the day. The same surgeon as mine, the same hospital. Why I thought I was a ball of health despite the rediculous amounts of cancer in my family is beyond me. So now Jeff goes...but he will be fine, I am sure. He has lungs of steele, eats horrible and his parents lived to much older years than mine....but I am nervous for him. Just entering that same hospital that I spent so many times in will be eery. It won't be fun. My life is surreal....why is this?
Thank goodness I can escape it all through the microphone...today I sent VO's out all over the USA and edited my students VO work we did here in the studio yesterday...it was good. Tomorrow I look forward to prepping for my internet show and look forward to Gods healing hands on Jeff.

A good day....

How wonderful to be able to sit here about ready to write and I can say today was a good day.
I sent voice overs out to 6 different states and an audition to my Agent for Oracle. I am feeling a bit frustrated from not having booked a gig through my Agent in awhile...maybe it's my negative thoughts. Maybe I have to listen to The Secret again. I can't afford negative thoughts not for my health and not for my career dreams. I conducted a private consultation for a  nice guy wanting to get into voice overs today in the home studio. It was very cool as I gave him all the information I learned on my journey into Voice Overs. It was so fun directing him on the microphone. I think he was very pleased with my information and what I had to offer, so it felt good to know I helped someone else do what I am so passionate about. I attended my monthly networking meeting after almost of a year of not showing. It felt great to be there. It was good for me to stand up and sell my Voice Over services. Marketing is what got me to where I am today and I am realizing it's time for me to get out again and get the job done.
It's time to move forward and create good things. God will provide.

Observe my awareness, the therapist says

After all these months going through cancer and all the drama and emotions with it, I finally decided to talk to a therapist. The lump in my throat describing it all to him confirmed I am still traumatized by it all. What is true is it does get less as time passes. I realize getting all worked up is not a positive place to go to...and then he says one of those classic soft spoken therapist lines..."observe the awareness" Hm-m-m-m? The awareness that I am aware it's not healthy to be in all the hysteria. Wow, imagine that. I am actually beginning to step away briefly and see myself and what I am doing. I hope in time I can really move forward and not hold onto this as this horrible experience in my life. Something tells me I will.
To observe our awareness in any given situation is a confirmation of emotional growth. Maybe I am not the same screwed up girl I was years ago. I have matured....finally. It is all good, and it is all part of life and all it's many opportunituies for lessons...Maybe I can pass this along to my son Adam...I'd love to spare him all the drama that life can bring and all the wacked out ways I deal with lifes challenges.I've probably already messed him up.......lightbulb!....Observe the Awareness.