Another annual, another dose of anxiety

Carrying this Lynch Syndrome gene requires preventative appointments to stay alive. I've always done the usual annuals: the mam, the pap, the physical, the eyes, the teeth, but the one test that will save my life I dread. I brought it to my cancer support group and when it was my turn to speak after hearing a half dozen other survivors telling their stories of endless appointments and bravely chasing their cures, I confessed my procrastination of making THE APPOINTMENT. One of my fellow support group members, handed me a cell phone and said "make the appointment in front of us" , and there I did, and within a week I was scheduled. I hate that colonoscopy, it is just gross prepping for it. Every sip of that solution gets me closer to the appointment. As I was downing my last few glasses today, with a pounding head ache, hunger pangs causing my whole body to ache, I started to cry,and boy was it overdue. I sat there in the front room an hour away from the procedure and I finally cried. Sucks I have this syndrome. That's all I could think about and I also think about how scared I am by it all. I really am. I survived the chemo and the surgeries but this annual testing is what I am left with. I thought how many other millions on this very day are consuming that liquid to have their test, and then i thought I am probably the only one I know doing this today, it was the pity pot in all it's glory. I checked my voice over orders before leaving, and thought thank goodness I work from home and can do this, it's something I love so much and can look forward to at the end of this day...and off I went to the procedure. Hilariously on the drive in I listened to Eminem of all people, I loved his lyric: "Im a rip this shit till my bones collapse". Yep I am gonna "whip this shit till my bones collapse." that's what I think about it all. Go to hell cancer! So the drug was perfect, I actually saw on the screen some images but I was slipping in and out of seeing it, damn the drug was good. When I saw the Doctor walk in afterwards and I was so grateful it was finally all over he then says to me " No polyps this time at all" Took some tissue for testing but looked great", what a relief. So those words on this day in my little life were all just part of the annual and all part of the annual dose of anxiety. Stage 3 colon cancer,what a diagnosis. I still think maybe it was all a mistake maybe the Doctors just wanted to make me a guinea pig. I cannot understand this horrific disease and why there is so many afflicted with it and why there isn't a cure. There is a problem here. A huge one.So I plug along with my calendar of appointments, fears and anxiety, and face it like I have to. Thank goodness I can come home to a microphone and scripts and a passion that is my own, and breathe a sigh of relief I am done with that annual test

Mom first, voice actor 2nd

Thank goodness I have voice overs to keep my mind off so many other things in life. I love voicing, and it's been a helluva journey getting here, all the firings from radio, the multitude of rejections,but then I train for voice over work, another huge competitive field, but I love it, I love interpreting a script and adding my own twist on it, there still is rejection but I can escape here to my home studio, and it has served me...It served me well when I was battling my cancers. I felt I had a purpose. Adam watched me go through all my personal and professional ups and downs, I always said "let this be a life lesson Adam"...He hated seeing me so down when I didn't book. So now I have to put all that aside and add a Mom twist to it all. Adam broke his foot practicing college Football. I can't even type the words without getting choked up. The pain I feel for him is deeper than my Radio rejections, my voice over rejections and my cancer battle. Watching your kid hurt not just physically but mentally is gut wrenching for a Mom. I cannot understand this one. The why hasn't been answered from God, I keep thinking how totally unfair this is to him...this is a kid who found a sport that fit him. Fit his body type, he was teased by grade school kids about his size, and believe me those episodes cut like a knife to hear him describe the taunting, but he used his size to serve him...High School Football played all 4 years, was team captain, motivated team mates, took pride in that he never missed a practice! Was class President, running all those shananegans and yet making every practice. But then there was his last High School Football game, the biggest rivalry Salesian, and he broke his collar bone, I thought that was a life lesson, I cried for him for that one, it was horrible to see him on the side lines in a sling watching his team mates handle the opponents...but he wasn't done. College Football was a goal, and he achieved it. Each year he would play a bit more in the game, It always turned out when we would fly down to be in the stands, we'd see him go in, and see him give it his all..He's good, he doesn't give up, and we were so proud to know all college he played Football. Why? Why the week before official practice this happened? They have asked him to assist in Coaching, and I am so very proud but I am now using all that I learned in my career to get him through, to get me through: "we are not our jobs" "we are more than that" "it's a lesson in slowing down" "It's a lesson in embracing we can't do it all". it's some kind of lesson..believe me I have said... it could've been worse, think about my dear friends who tragically lost their children, that is more than a broken foot, but I can't seem to not feel what he must feel. This all confirms a Mom feels her child's pain tenfold, and it doesn't go away.

Can I still complain about cancer?

I spent yesterday as a participant in ValleyCare Medical's "Cancer Spa Day" at one of our terrific wineries here in the Tri Valley, in Livermore. What a location...peaceful, pretty, quiet, and nurturing. As I was driving there I thought, "I should be home voicing my scripts, oh well, I will give it a try".
I came away with overwhelming feelings about this disease and those that have been afflicted by it. I don't want to sound like a martyr, but damn it, this disease is horrible....
We started by introducing ourselves, devulging the body part affected and giving the date of diagnosis and where we are today. After hearing over 20 people tell their stories....I couldn't help but notice how each one could still reflect on the details...the moment they were told, the numerous misdiagnosis, the runaround, the frustration of living with all the side effects, the anxiety that now resides in our psyche and the tears that still were shared after years of the diagnosis.
What those don't know who have never had cancer, is that, the patient has long term scars..we might be up and around  and you might think because we are out of chemo, we are all done..but everyday there is a reminder, whether there is nueropathy(the numbness in our feet, hands, calves,arms), lymphodema(the swelling of legs or hands or arms),the permanent altering of our physical capabilities( can't run, can't ski, can't dance(!)), feeling anxious when there is a new test to be taken, it never goes away.It is exhausting.It sucks, it is all because of cancer and how they treat it.
I don't want to tell people how I really feel, that's negative, but it's reality that all those changes happen. Counselors don't even get it.Unless they've had cancer, but often they don't.We cancer survivors compare it to PTSD, it is trauma, every step, appointment, and change in our body is trauma. We lose parts, we lose what was. It is a loss, and it creeps up on us daily.
When will Doctors get it? When will they embrace the psychological impact of this journey? And stay in touch in aftercare, not just coming in for the quarterly bloodtest, but really providing comfort in all the fear we carry around with this?I can only hope the new Doctors and Nurses that go into this field will put themselves in our shoes. Having lunch with the participants, and sharing their stories deeper, floored me, in how many of us, were left to figure out aftercare after the chemo drip or radiation treatments have stopped..
I hate what cancer has done to me. So when you see a cancer survivor (mind you,they have just survived their treatment regimine) know that they are carrying dozens of side effects you don't even see, it's not all over, it never is, I think because of that, I CAN complain about cancer!

Anniversary dates and Cancer

When the new calendar year is just around the corner, I perform the task of transfering birthdays and dates to my new office studio wall calendar. The one date I have been transferring for the past 4 years is this . years ago last drop of chemo in my system It is worth celebrating, and worth taking a moment to ponder on. The journey was insane, I have never felt so much fear in my life, well, aside from jumping out of an airplane to tandem Skydive for a Radio stunt. Really?!? Chemo is relentless. The taste, the warm juice felt flowing through my blood weeks at a time, the beeping sound of the pump hooked to my port that would drip the chemo in me for 48 hours after my 4 hour infusion. The incredible weak state it would leave me in for days at a time. My dear friends that drove me, dropped me off and the 2nd friend who picked me back up. Some friends sat with me the whole time. My husband only did it once.I don't think he could handle watching me wiping away my tears for the entire 4 hours on my first infusion...and hearing my nurse say gently, "Can't we get a little smile out of you today Trish?"...no. No. No....I couldn't smile during that, I was on a mission to just get through it. I would look around that room, all of us patients with blankets over us to keep warm as we were always so cold, and participate in the small talk about their cancers, and if this was first round or 2nd. Yes some have had 2nd rounds...I ask myself that, if it ever came back would I go through chemo again....I don't think so.....the flood of feelings are too much. Everytime I have to go back to the same office for my routine quarterly blood work, I watch the patients slowly walk out from their infusions and my heart aches deeply for them. The journey just can't be forgotten.So here I am 4 years later, and the scribble on my March 23rd date is "4 years last drop of chemo in my system" Hallelujah for that scribble. Thank you to Adam, Jeff, Marcia Bergendahl, Denise Croghan, Mike- my brother, Liz Connolly, Cheryle Silveira, Karen Sorenson, LauraJean, Eme Aqua, Lori Fabianic, Bobbi Cauchi(shared that martini on that last day!), Erin Goldsbrough(who brought me to Boz while in chemo treatment and arranged for me to FINALLY meet him!) JoAnn Manchester,Phoebe and her family, The Valley Christian Football Moms, my cousins, my Aunts, my other brothers, my radio colleagues, the FB well wishers, all my friends who sent cards and checked in on me, visited me at the hospital, damn you pushed me, and it was good. Now I am finally participating in my long overdue cancer support group and yoga for cancer patients classes, and remaining sympathetic to anyone having to endure this crappy disease. This week I will stop procrastinating and make all my routine appointments for this year, and try not to get lost in the yucky-ness of all that it reminds me of...instead I will push through and I will stare at that square box on my studio calendar and smile at that scribble: "4 YEARS AGO FREE FROM CHEMO!" Thank you God for my life today.