The Never Ending Struggle With The Belief In Myself

So in the past 7 days, I sent out half dozen auditions from my Agent and didn't get a bite. Today I stroll through the TV room and hear an ad I auditioned for a month back completed for the hospital in our Metro area. I come back to my files and find the audition. I was off. I then rummage through my scripts and find the direction given...I gave them what they asked for: the usual: approachable, warm, sense of authority...blah, blah,blah, blah. I can picture it now, the young Creative Team throwing out every adjective they can think of to have their own ego input.. The booked talent did something different. She stood out, she booked it. I analyze the script again...I try to come up with a simple mantra that I can continually use before opening the mic and voicing the script. This is where the struggle starts brewing in my mind. What the "F" am I doing wrong? Then I go to Youtube and stumble upon some guy telling his audience who has a home set up, how for $5 they can get voice over work. WTF?I can't wrap my head around people doing this. Actors spend years training, it's how they get to Hollywood. I don't know how someone can think they can cut a corner. Maybe I am a sore loser. Maybe the little voices in my head are ruining it for Me. I'd like to think I am honed at my craft. I'd like to believe that I am better than someone who was told they have a nice voice so therefore they can set up a system and then record for $5 increments! I am baffled by it all. Something has to give here. I do voice for small companies, and I am forever grateful to them. I wonder whether they realize how much training I've had and how long I've been at this craft. They have got themselves a damn good deal. So I pull up an ad I did and think to myself that is f-ing National quality work. Somebody on one of these Creative Teams made up of young gradsone day will recognize I'm their voice, and if they feel the need to give direction I can take it and deliver it with no problem, because......I am a trained voice actor. So I search for that ad and post it here so that I can melt in it and give myself kudos that I need so that I won't falter with those crazy little voices inside my head. Tomorrow is another day and I wait patiently for more scripts so that I can knock the ball out of the park and land that damn National.

I believe in the power of Prayer

When I was diagnosed with my uterine cancer in 2010, I was scared and very confused. I remember letting the cat out of the bag and suddenly friends and family started praying. Friends came to my house and in my front room and prayed. Some prayed over the phone with Me, some sent cards with a prayer. My son,Adam, attended a Christian school here in town, yet I wasn't one of those Bible thumping, scripture quoting women. I just knew everybody there had no reservation of saying I will pray for you.In my weakest moments I would reflect on so many people praying for me. I didn't even pray for a cancer cure, I prayed for trust and strength. After all, our disease is in the hands of Doctors, lab techs, anesthesiologists, researchers and who knows else. I ended up Stage 1 Uterine Cancer, no chemo, no radiation, just surgery...but then the polyp was discovered, and that rascal was cancerous and stage 3. 6 grueling months of stupid chemo wrecking complete havoc on my life and yet more prayers. Then the discovery of the DNA gene positive, which means for the rest of my life I have to be on watch for cancer to visit me again...Since all that, I've prayed for great Voice Over gigs, prayed for the ability to understand some Radio mixing board that I was terrified of each time I started a new on air Radio job, prayed for my son when he travels, when he was broken hearted over a relationship ending or being injured in a Football game, thus scrapping his goal of playing all 4 years at college. My heart was broken for him. I pray like anyone else when a friend dies and for their remaining relatives and loved ones, for their sadness that they will endure for a long time. I am not spewing the versus, I just find myself saying a blanket statement "I pray everything gets better and lessons are learned".I am praying over the flooding tragedy in Houston right now, the images on the TV screen are baffling. I am not minimizing this news, but the prayer that is surfacing now is needed for my adorable, crazy, stubborn Olde English Bulldog, LugNut. He has developed horrible pain in his back and hips. The wallow he let out the other eve was astounding. I was sickened by it, along with Adam and Jeff. I have no idea where this came from. Did he trip at the dog park? Is getting in and out of the Jeep too hard on his joints? A visit to the Vets told us one thing...he needs to be put under for X-rays. These short snout pups are a big risk while sedated. My mind is running wild, all of us, and yes LugNut was trembling and very scared at the Vets. He was a bad boy, he wrestled the muzzle and today they have told Me to sedate him I have to place the muzzle tomorrow. In between recording my voice overs, I have been practicing with him, letting him lean on Me and telling him everything will be good, maybe it's just muscle strain. So what am I getting to? I need prayer for this little guy. Alot of prayer. So my mind is racing I am hanging with him and tomorrow is a big day. Please keep LugNut in your prayers in more ways then one..I know there is power in prayer.

Prioritizing Voice Overs and my love of Boz Scaggs

Anybody who knows Me would probably immediately think of Me and my love for Voice Overs and my love for Boz Scaggs. It has been a long hard climb for my voice over career. Decades of on air Radio gigs, in and out of jobs, blind sided when I never expected, carrying anger towards the Program Director that did it to Me for years and finally realizing Radio is just a brutal, dysfunctional business. It only made sense to embrace the microphone in a new way: take voice acting lessons and make it a business. Market myself, freelance, get an Agent, network constantly and keep my chin up. The best part of it all is I love my passion. I also find myself not ever wanting to take time off because of the unsettled feeling the client would like someone else's voice better than mine and then not book Me anymore. Insecure? Realistic Thinking? It's my little world. Then there is Boz. All I need is a concert a year from this Man and I am on cloud 9 for weeks. There is just something about that voice that sends me into a whole different world. Decades ago before he made it on the Pop charts I fell for this guy. I don't care how tight the budget is, I have to treat myself to a Boz show. I have turned so many people onto him and so many say to Me "I don't know what was more fun seeing Boz or feeling your energy all night"...Yep it's just another little gift in life I genuinely love. Tomorrow I step away from both of my loves. I had to get my priorities straight this time. I am booking out of voice overs and yes risking losing clients and I am surrendering my Boz Scaggs concert ticket. I have lost a dear young soul. A 24 year old son of a dear friend. A Mom I met living down the street from Me proudly displaying her "Its A Boy banner" in her front yard. I never knew Christen before, but pulled over and introduced myself as the soon to be Mom down the street, because my son Adam was to be born 2 weeks from Nathan.We developed a friendship so special because of our boys. We walked daily with the little guys, introduced our husbands, who shared the same work, and together experienced swim lessons, soccer teams, Halloween, Santa visits, modeling, and the Easter Bunny for 3 years. The friendship never fizzled. Brad moved up the corporate ladder, became a millionaire, established himself and the family in Texas, and we still met up annually for a family gathering as our boys grew into young men. Both graduated from college, stayed in touch with each other and Christen shared the complexities of being alone raising kids and trying to keep them humble. It didn't quite turn out like that. Last Sunday Nathan went missing and was found 2 days later in a creek. Drugs? Alcohol? Foul Play? We don't know. What I do know isthat we will be there for them in Texas at the funeral. I will book out from Voice Overs, I will miss my Boz, but this is my priority. I am numb and sickened at this horrible loss for my friends. I can't wrap my mind around it all. I go to bed thinking about Nathan and his family and wake up thinking about him. Adam is devastated. When he came home from work reading the Missing persons post on social media, and then hearing from Nathans sister, he was found dead, with tears streaming down his face, I knew Voice Overs were not important, and Boz will have to be passed over this time. Life has thrown us a curve, and I have gotten a hold of my priorities today. My cage has been rattled but it is all for a good reason. RIP Nathan, I'll see Boz in October.

Keeping my chin up while Voice Acting

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Sitting through movie credits until the end ...

The beauty of being a voice actor and working from home is the scripts come in all day. Voice a few in the morning, step out to get the dog out for a little play, check the IPhone emails for new scripts and if there is a break once in awhile I can slip into a movie theater and see a movie. What I find happens here as I get myself settled and the trailers begin flashing on the screen, an overwhelming feeling in my heart and my stomach of wanting to have my "based on a true story screenplay" up there on that screen. That yearning of wanting to have my screenplay produced and that yearning of wanting to land the ultimate voice over gig, and that yearning of just wanting to feel success, tugs fiercely at my heartstrings. I sit through the movie relating to a character, I admire their terrific acting, I get the story. All the while feeling that feeling. I am seeing the movie because I know I can relate to that character in some way, for some reason, because it parallels an event in my life, somehow. There is always that scene that evokes tears, and it is there at that very moment that I almost feel as though I can't sit through this because the crazy desire is so huge! Who feels like this?!? It has to be every actor and actress that wants it so bad. The multitude of thoughts of "will I accomplish this goal before I die?" quickly transitioning into "be grateful for what you've done" then the bartering with God "please this week let me land the big voice over", it all stirs up from watching the movie. As the ending nears I keep thinking "what a great story" ...and then the movie ends. The credits start rolling and one by one people leave. I sit there scrolling all the names of those involved in producing the movie, I study the font, I enjoy the final song, and then sit through all the soundtrack with my eyes darting to the song title, who it was sung by, and hope I didn't miss the one song that grabbed me while watching the picture. I am left with the same feelings in the beginning sitting alone in the theater at the end. I slowly get up and walk up the aisle alone, soon blinded by the sun shining through the lobby.I immediately check my emails on my phone to see if a script came in. I hope there is an audition that I can tackle as soon as I get back to my little studio. The praying begins as I turn the key to my car and travel home, "Please let me book a big one" my mantra. There is no other way to redirect the overwhelming feelings other than choosing one of the most uplifting sing a long-able tunes I have in my music library, and it is then that I bottle up those feelings and just feel grateful I am doing what I love for my career and that I just treated myself to a wonderful movie that I saw from beginning to the movie credits end. Thank you God for my life today-smile.

La La Land, the Movie. I can so relate

After voicing a few spots this morning I made my dash through the stormy rain to see another Oscar nominated movie today. I have this goal to see as many as I can so when I watch the magical night I understand the winning moment the actor is feeling while on stage accepting that Oscar. I saw La La Land today. Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling.I didn't know what to expect, just heard the reviews but didn't know how I would embrace it after it all was over with. An aspiring actress,"Mia" and a dedicated jazz musician "Sebastian" pursuing their dreams in Hollywood. As the movie progressed I grew more and more attached to the story. I understood about all the auditions. I understood accepting the little gigs in hopes it's all part of the journey of paying my dues for the big gigs, I understood the tenacity and hope of never giving up my dream. When Sebastian comes back to encourage Mia to go for her biggest audition yet, and through tears she shared all her fear,it was then that I felt the huge lump in my throat,thinking I can relate! I thought of my many Radio and Voice Actor friends who want to just fulfill that dream, and how many rejections come with it all. I flashed on the endless times going to my mailbox and finding the form rejection letters about my Radio demo not what they were looking for, I flashed on when I was blind sided and told we can't keep you because you are associated with him, or when the PD called me in 2 weeks before Christmas and told me they were going in a new direction and to walk myself out quietly without saying good bye to my colleagues, and crying the whole way home on BART. Of all days to take public transportation, there I was with my box filled with all my accumulated show prep., or the PD that called me on the phone saying the full timers were going to voice track so he wouldn't need me, I could be on stand bye, (like that was going to pay bills!)or the most brutal axe: telling me 10 minutes before I was to go on the air "the show doesn't work", and then expected me to go live and full fill my host duties. He didn't know after my 4 hour show, I wept as soon as I turned off the mic and walked alone late at night to my car. Then my transitioning into voice overs, the training, the cold calls, the auditions with no bookings. Hearing a commercial ad I auditioned for on TV voiced by someone else. It all makes you scared. it makes you doubt your self worth, it makes you want it more, it makes you feel crazy for wanting it.The tears were streaming down my cheeks as I sat there and I wondered if anyone in that theater other than an actor would understand these emotions I was feeling. Then what really got me was Mia's (Emma) song in her ultimate audition, Her ode to the dreamers who chase their dreams,..."Here's to the ones who dream, foolish as they may seem. Here's to the hearts that break. Here's to the mess we make" I guess madness really is key to performing, but like the story ends, I'd do it all again.