How can I keep this mad world from changing me?

This whole stage in my life has been something else....the trials and tribulations seem to be endless, if it's not cancer and my health issues, it's my marriage and raising a son or dealing with friends and family members and their differences. It is all so mad to me.Through it all, laying in bed many nights thinking about the day as I am about to shut my eyes I think to myself..how the heck did God reveal himself to Me in my day? Am I tripping over the same crap over and over and again? Usually it's a huge yes!, It's all so mad. That seems to be the solution...how the hell did God reveal himself to me. I guess its time to just let playful trust be my normal. What the hell else can I really do to get through any given day.I am so tired of letting people get the best of me in my refusal to accept their cruel behavior to get what they want in life. It's their crap. ...I swear my safe haven is my home studio-reading my scripts, acting them as good as I can and feeling satisified I got that right in my day...My story is not over I guess.

Holy Moly I can recognize a cancer patient anywhere

There I was sitting at my local breakfast shop and looked to my right and there was the man with a velvet beret on...I knew.It was confirmed when he told the waitress" I can't taste my food, I am going through chemo, and my wife was just diagnosed with breast cancer this past week, so she will probably experience the same"...I dreaded the thought of another person going through the journey. So as I am about to stand up, knowing i was going to wish him well, a woman walks by with the apparant wig. Holy moly we are everywhere! The ashy color of the skin, the hats of all styles, the wigs, the no eyelashes...stupid ass chemo and cancer!
It is so unfair.....So I talked with him, telling him I couldn't help but overhear his remark to the waitress. I told him I experienced the same-he held up the tabasco sause and said, "if I put this on food, I can taste it" I remember all too well resorting to dumping catchup on food to eat it. It is wrong, this disease.
Just a few days ago, I found out my radio colleagues boyfriend of 25 years is going through chemo and radiation and he is blogging and he is being funny about it all. He is truly amazing. Funny as hell actually...FredsHead, or something like that...Maybe I should be adding more comedy to my posts-I just don't find it funny. I spent most of my time, crying and swearing to myself each moment, I was going to lick the nasty disease. We all do it in our unique way...so now I wrap up the blog, and I am off to call my racquetball partner Gloria..she had her first dose of radiation today for breast cancer....Idiotic cancer!

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time there wasn't much to worry about. There wasn't much to be really concerned about. Once upon a time I was a little kid. And it was then that my brothers teased me horribly, and my Father was hurtful, and my Mother could only protect herself, and I went through that ugly stage, the chubby stage. I stayed in my head. I was figuring it out all by myself. Once upon a time I thought if I moved out and moved in with my love it would all get better. I graduated from college and my once upon a time love walked out.I then began my journey to figure out who I am, what did I believe in because once upon a time, I shut down.I perservered and went after my new dreams, found my passions. I found how music moved me more than anything in the world and a microphone was heaven. I weeded out the toxins. I still am. Once upon a time I got very sick. Sick with 2 cancers in my body. I was even more sick when chemo filled my veins. It was that time I questioned it all over again..Who am I? What have I done? What do I need to do. Today I am here in time. I am where I am suppose to be. Maybe I'd like to be back at Once Upon A Time, but then again, NOW is my time.

Today feels normal...Imagine that?

Normalcy...maybe I have it today. It's a choice. My day starts with the usual...Upon awakening I check in with my dreams...yes there were strange ones..me observing someone I can't understand. A Mom who is way out there according to my perception of life..but my conclusion sits well. I crunch my fingers and toes and the fingers don't feel quite as numb, the toes are unbearable...thank you damn stupid mean chemo! I throw in a quick prayer to God "You're healing my fingers, now please God, heal my feet and toes"...I jump out of bed to the unbearable pain of my feet hitting the floor-I go downstairs and turn on the computer in my home recording studio....Yes! a few voice overs and my music logs for my Internet radio show are there before my sleepy eyes...the day is good I think. I get Adam off to school, dealing with his grumpy ways, not wanting to deal with the immature kids on his campus once again...and prepare a bite to it while printing the scripts....Voice overs are done and a few words to type for the blog. The day feels normal...I will then meet up with an aspiring voice talent and discuss my journey and give him tips on how to go on his voice over journey..There is no reason to complain-I would be unappreciative if I did...and tomorrow I'll drop the $180 that I barely have and take a day long voice over class in San Francisco from one of the greats in the biz...Please God make this my BIG year...thank you for my life today, I guess I really am blessed.Imagine that.

So the new year is here...welcome 2012

I read over last years entry at this time. New Years Eve to be exact....I was in the throes of my chemotherapy. I was hating cancer. I still do. A colleague of mine just shared his story of his last days with his father who had melanoma-how he was frantic for not remembering where his car was parked while on an outing with his dying dad, and his dad was shuffeling along and stopping and smelling the roses. And he was consumed with emotions....probably mostly fear. I lived all of that. I witnessed the fear our 16 year old son had watching me writher away losing weight every day. I saw the fear on his face and sadly understood-yet I was the cancer patient-and there I was trying to enjoy each moment just like my friends Dad was doing. I remember my husband driving in the car with me after I came home from an infusion ranting about politics and spewing out awful stuff and I said aloud finally after tolerating it all in the ride home: "Can you just stop!! Can you just imagine what my world is like now? This crap is not important' He was silenced. Everybody is affected by cancer. The patient, the loved ones, the friends, the colleagues. It is just utterly insane.But today is the beginning of the new year..I don't have to go there anymore. I can set my sights foreward. Today I voiced 6 reads from my home studio. Every single time I wrapped up the read with all the editing and gave the title to the piece to send to the producer I was filled with satisfying joy. Then I got in my car and recorded in a local studio and thought the same. I am satsified. I have been forever changed by my journey. How can I complain? I am ungrateful if I do..Thank you God for my life today.