I think I've changed

I think I have changed. How could one not, after going through cancer? I think as much as I act like  my same ol' feisty self-no one can take away from me what I have learned from it all. The introspective I have on life, my life. I can easily go about my same ol quirks and behaviors, but peel it all away.. and there is a different woman here.That's a damn good thing. What a frickin way to learn a lesson, but it is what it is!I still get choked up when I hear myself talking about "the lesson" through cancer. I think it's because no one can imagine how scared I was. I felt like a little girl the whole time, and when i start to cry thinking about it all now-I realize how raw and tender I am still.It was just too much fear to handle. So, I am nearing this incredible year of fighting to survive and swimming through so much fear and gaining awareness of just who the hell I am, and I guess it's all okay. I can go into the new year with this gift.
I can set new goals and work on doing better in my voice over business, doing better at loving my husband, doing better at being a better listener, and doing better at trying to be a sweet person.It's a minute by minute challenge for me, as I have operated on survival and running around like a crazy woman for the majority of my life. I am so hard on myself-I wished I was MORE changed....silly I know. But I must practice what i am preaching here and be blessed by the small changes I have made that are deep inside.So, enough for tonight, I will work on it. I am where I am suppose to be. 

I sound like a broken record

I know I sound like a broken record, but I am glad I am here...it keeps surfacing as I run around during this insane holiday season. I keep thinking..."damn last year at this time my body was wrecked havoc with chemo" -I was looking like hell more and more everyday, and now here I am a year later zipping all around town talking to myself worrying if I can afford anymore Christmas gifts and then the ah-ha moment hits me...I am alive. It happens constantly. Maybe it's God talking to Me. Telling me to slow the hell down and really grasp this situation. It must be, because it gets my attention every single time it pops in my head.The smallest things...sending out my Christmas cards,....while sitting at the table sealing the envelopes, I realize I am here. I journeyed through cancer and chemo and all the bullcrap that comes with it....I can only hope this thought will ground me when i am ready to go off on someone who has ticked me off, or someone I choose to have a beef with...let's only hope. So I am closing for now and am going to do a little something else once again as part of the holiday frenzy to just confirm I am still here! It's all so wild to believe. It all still feels like it was a bad dream.

The Bakery Barista looked into my eyes and said... I'm glad you're here

Holly works at the coolest bakery in Dublin....Denikas. I told her last year I was diagnosed with cancer and was being treated with chemotherapy infusions. When I stumbled into the shoppe one day, hellbent on walking the 3 blocks while my car was being serviced...I was fatigued beyond anything I had ever felt. I could barely lift my feet to walk.
I sat down in a booth and started to cry. I couldn't believe it took everything out of me to walk there.I remember being committed to the walk and the whole time praying to God that I would make it to the coffee shop to have some cider. Non stop I repeated over and over again..."you can make this walk" She asked if I was okay, and all I wanted to do was just breathe....So she knew my story. This week I went into the bakery and there she was.....she cupped my hands and looked deep into my eyes and said "I'm so glad you are here"...I was taken back. Someone was glad I was here. I could have not been here....Just a year ago I was going through chemo treatments. Cancer can kill. It is a nasty horrible disease. And who the hell knows how fast it can ravage a body...but I am here. Holly brought it to my attention with her sweet gesture. I wonder still about it all. The goal now is to make 5 years, then one is cured. Right now it is called "cancer free" But damn I really could have not been here at this point in time...life cannot be taken for granted. I feel as though I am on high sensory and thinking about what Holly said. Maybe it is good, maybe it's one of those cancer lessons we get because of going through the journey, who the hell knows...but I think I am going to relish in the fact that I am here. And yes, again I can say those words my cancer surviving friend told me to say daily: Thank you God for my life today.

The little gems from church

My faith increased significantly once I was diagnosed with cancer. I was determined to listen to the word every week for the strength I needed so badly. Although I must say after my 3rd radio blind side...I was floored emotionally and found myself questioning who the hell am I at that point in my life....and stumbled in on this local church for answers, after a strong Christian woman told me "You are not your job-you are more than that, God has big plans for you, maybe in the radio arena, maybe not"....So I walk into this church and they are performing Bachman Turner Overdrives "Taking Care of Business" I thought, what the hell is this? Only to find the message was....."one is more than their career job"...I couldn't believe it, but I became hooked. So now I go as often as I can and come home with the little hand outs with scribbles on it that were heard while sitting in the service. As I sit here at my desk ready to clean it off I find a pile of them, I rummage through my notes and see they are a great lead into my blog post today....loving this one:
"If you're still here, your mission on earth is not yet accomplished": holy crap, can anything be more true? The valleys he sends me through are for me to hang tough-to continue to believe he is there. It doesn't make sense, but it's the reality I have to deal with to get his lesson.My lesson.
"The Great Promise... Genesis 12:16-35: The days of uncertainty have been with us for thousands of years.Wanting my answers and directions more sooner than later, the story of my life again. There is that rascal God making me go through it to get the lesson!
"Like in a marriage, what kind of partner am I... to God?"
That is a wild way of looking at my relationship to faith. In a marriage if we seek to be peacemakers instead of troublemakers, things just seem to run more smooth. It applies to a relationship with God...when I fight the lesson, it all gets messier. The one who bickers is the one who suffers.So by honoring him first, maybe it all doesn't get as crazy. Devoted and faithful or distant and
hot and cold....not good ingredients for a relationship with anybody!
So for all of my friends who think I am blessed-they don't know my head is a mess! My story is not over...I will continue to collect these little gems from this one hour a week dose I get from church-it's really all I can do, and really makes sense to do. So, it's now off to the microphone to do what I am most passionate about and keeps me sane, my voice overs....thanks God for my life today!