Cancer makes you question life forever

It is to be expected...cancer makes you question life. Your life. Your character. Your choices. It is all coming at me fast and furious these days. It is almsot too hard to deal with. I'd love to pull the covers over my head and disappear at times. I stay occupied with my voice overs. I love them. I am in nobodys way. It is me, the micropone, and the producer waiting on the other side. It is where I am at my best.
My son is done with me. It is the rite of passage.  I've dealt with it before, in different phases in his earlier life. It is very normal for a boy-but now he is becoming a young man-and he knows what he wants: he clearly doesn't want me in his life. It is a strange feeling. Not unbearable, as I can scoot along, but the transition through it, is very lonely and it is sitting in my heart everyday and screaming at me to move forward. It's an adjustment.....I need the ocean's tranquility, I can feel it very strong these days.
Out of here and off to my voice overs, I have been cranking them out all morning.....truly a love of mine!

The struggles that come with self awareness

When we begin to peel off the layers, all hell breaks lose. Think about it, it rattles everything. Every action we took for granted, every person we encounter, all our close personal relationships all get rattled along with the self discovery. It's all these continuous earthquake trembles. Then we have to walk on these newly discovered shakey grounds and try to make some sense of it all. I seem to be questioning everything these days. Will I come out alright on the other side? Will I even make it to the other side? It has to be cancer that started this journey. In the throes of it my mind was in survival mode. I didn't think about the various people that irritated me, I really couldn't care less about them. I loved that lesson more than anything in the world. Now that I am done with chemo and all it's aftermath I am left with me....the Me that can't understand Me.The whole realization of discovering my voice, and then being okay with what has been said, and then realizing admitting I am wrong doesn't have to have the aftermath of more negative consequences, is just totally foreign. The ironic part of all this is...my career is recording and sharing my voice to the world!What the hell is that about? And the ultimate joy I get when recording my voice is just so genuine and authentic. I thank God he lead me to my career of voice overs, I thank him every day. I guess the struggle is all part of the self awareness that I am needing to embrace right now, today and from this day forward. I am baffled by it all. Thank you God for my life today!

Another anniversary date

One year ago at this time, this very week,  I had my very first chemo infusion. All I can remember is crying from the moment they inserted that needle into my port. I sat and cried for 3 hours as the chemicals began their journey through my body.I still cannot wrap my mind around the fact that I had 2 cancers in one year. The amount of trauma and drama that it has caused me is just unfair. I felt at times forever grateful I was alive, and loved each and everyone of my supportive  and loving friends, and yet I think I am carrying around an anger that I had to go through with it at all. It's not where I should be, I know better, but yet I am all so confused about the event overall. Every cancer victim goes through all these emotions but what each cancer victim does with them is so unique too.
My big goal right now is that I am trying to have a voice-and I am royally screwing up using it. All the emotioanl crap gets in the way and I fall back into only what i know, and that is to trip over it all and make bigger messes. It's absolutely crazy making...I have spent 4 hours doing voice overs and absolutely loving it and yet all the while, swallowing my pride at making a 17 year old girl cry...Adam's unstable ex, or is she? girlfriend ....after me a grown woman addressed my dissatisfaction with all her actions toward Adam, at, of all places, his Senior class camping trip! What provoked me? Seeing her pouting and following Adam around the campsite. Their whole relationship mthey had seems truly insane...but you are probably thinking, as so am I, who is the insane one here? Probably me..will God forgive me? I sometimes wonder about it all. I am too mature to be tripping over this same bullshit in my life...I have to breathe deep and try again for tomorrow is a new day, and thank God I see my counselor tomorrow morning. and I am already cringing on sharing this latest chapter in my life with him....I have to. I have to grow more. God help me to really hear these words I am about to write: Thank you for my life today.