A New Year to look forward to

Funny, from March 2010 I have been  dealing with cancer, first uterine, then colon,.....and in March 2011 I will be done with this chemo treatment...a year of a hellacious roller coaster ride. Wow. Who in the hell would've thought this for me. So tonight when everyone is shouting Happy New Year, I really can shout with them, because in 3 frickin months I will be done. I have cancer, it doesn't have me! My good friend told me this yesterday. I hate you cancer you are a pain in the ass and you are just  wrong. I hate you cancer..I will say it again and again.....but my friends tell me also to make friends with chemo, it is saving my life, but so much easier said then done, as the side effects simply SUCK!
Go to hell cancer, I hate your slimey little tactics. God doesn't want this for me he hates sickness and sadness....he will walk through this with me......thank you for my life today.

another middle of the night wake up

I have no idea what drug is making this happen to me...I wake up nightly and lay there for 2 hours thinking about what is going on in my life. Yesterday was Chemo number 7 and it was TOUGH! oh my gosh I was wiped, so tired, weak  and drained. My platelets are down so next week it's 4 days in a row I need shots...this is so surreal...of course I conversed with a patient and he is in worse condition than me..stage 4 colon cancer...When the nurses asked him how his Christmas was and did he get all of his wishes..he replied "I have one wish, just to have 2 more years"...I looked away and started crying. I can't beleive what I am hearing in this office...I have to change my attitude toward chemo...it is not my enemy, it is saving me..help me see this somebody.God please help me.

Animals seem to know whats wrong

Who would've ever thought the calico cat we adopted would be so sweet? It was an adjustment period believe me, bringing in this new one with an already foster cat here in the house. It wasn't the stress I needed to be going through with my cancer...but after 2 cat brawls we gave back the first monster and kept the calico...Nala. I swear this cat knows I am fighting for my life here..each night she ever so gently jumps on the bed when I am trying to thank God for my day and talk to him about my next day and trying to go to  sleep. She nestles herself as high as she can on my chest, and rests her chin on my shoulder. But, she is not done at that point..she then licks my chin a few times then my hand....Does she know I am enduring this? I can't believe something so sweet came into my life at this time. Just like the hundreds of caring and concerned friends and family in my life at this time, Nala is here. I am so very grateful.

I need to love the mystery

I went to church last Sunday and the words rang so loudly in my ears..."I need to love the mystery". The mystery of cancer? The mystery as to, why me?....I need to love this? I guess wherever God has lead me I need to follow-not resist-just trust this is all meant to be. Trust is an uncharted territory for me..it has been so hard for me all my life to trust people.My cancer journey is never endless and scary and hard to trust that I am on course...I received a phone call from a cancer patient who I reached out to, to be her support, for her to be mine. She hadn't returned my call in a long while, but today she called. She was so sad, and so tired and has checked out. My heart ached for her pain, but I guess me carrying on with my voice overs everyday and keeping focused on life has really kept me from curling up and slipping into the darkness cancer can bring on. It all is such  a mystery and I guess it will always be....I can only keep my eyes on God at this point.
Thank you God for my life.

Half Way done

I am half way through this. I cannot believe it...God gave me the strength to perservere, I so often talk to myself saying I should tell the Oncologist no more. I believe the cancer is gone..it has to be, they operated, they found ONE measley lymph node with cancer in it, this chemo has had to of killed it off by now..Yet I am battling the thoughts in my brain everyday. Yesterday's chemo treatment kicked my butt..I was weak, tired and ached everywhere. My muscles in my calves were stiff, and my hands cramped up and began feeling the tingling in my fingertips, it was too much. I came home and slept but when I awoke I immediaely got to work on the mic doing what I love. Thank God I have postioned myself to work from home. I had a half dozen voice over scripts waiting for me and I plowed through them for my clients. But when I finally laid my weak body on my couch I began telling Jeff how overwhelmed I was with the sadness of seeing all those cancer patients around me getting chemo. I wept. It is so, so sad this disease even exists.It is truly horrible. I don't want to lose the sacredness of life over this.I believe the storm will soon be over. God is a healer.

Half Way There

It's always good to look at any challenge as "half way there" instead of focusing on how much more...I love the quote "Focus on the journey not the end destination" It's the only thing i can do to change my mind set, as I wake up thinking about chemo and cancer and go to bed thinking about it. I shared the realizaton with my dear friend Jenny with tears streaming down my face..just so tired...Jenny asked a deeper question..."what is it that you are actauly thinking?" I responded: "dread"....it was then that we talked about shifting my mind thought to ..."it's temporary, love on all the people loving on you, stay close to God, he doesn't want this, this is the makings of satan and mankind..generations ago, and yes for me it is generatons ago..the gene I have inherited that predisposed me to this disease was from a long family history line. So today I face a new day..I am meeting with fellow girl broadcastes at a brunch then off to a family Christmas ornament exchange..those are sweet meaningful activiteis, activiteis that should keep my mind on how far I have come and how far I want to go. Thank you for my life dear God.

If Only.....

"If Only" is not something we should have in our vocabulary..it can make us nuts. Sort of like "but" My therapist from a lng time ago was tired of me saying me say: "but....what if' "but if only"..she came up with "my buts make a butt out of me"..ha...well now here I am in this cancer journey saying "if only"...If only I had genetic testing years ago, I would've managed my health better. So at conception I was passed ngtis gene..The Lynch Syndrome"predisosing me to cancer...my visit to Stanford unveiled it all. I am so sad, and so concerned over my beautiful son Adam..When will I tell him? I may have passed it to him. Why God knew this and has had me endure thisis beyond me...I guess at this point it's my time to encourage others to learn their family health history, be preventative..you don't want to go down my path...

The Waiting Game

I'm waiting for the diagnosis from Stanford..do I carry the gene that predisposes me to colon cancer? Hell I already have it, I already had uterine cancer....what is the point of knowing. The point is I have to let Adam, our son,  know..that will not be a fun conversation...I still can't believe this at all. When I feel my chapped lips, and upset stomach, and I run my hand ever so slowly over where my port is placed, protruding through my skin..I know it is a reality. I am pissed I didn't get a colonsocopy when I was told to do so..maybe all of this wouldn't have happennd. Damn it I am mad at myself.Who the hell knows. All I know is I am scared, sad and tired from it all..In the meantime here in my home studio, I will get back to my voice overs and take my mind off of it all...that is where my solace lies...Screw you cancer!

The genetic testing

Stanford today. It wasn't easy believe me. I asked a nurse.."is everyone here dealing with cancer?" "She replied, yes everyone". it was too much. I wanted out of there. Wheelchairs, masks, sunken eyes, elderly, young...I wanted to run out of there so bad. I most likely carry a gentic gene. They took my blood and I will get my answer next week....I can only think of our son Adam....it is a scary thought.It is a horrible thought that he could carry the gene. All I can say is screw you cancer, you are an ass hole!

the many cancer patients

I look accross the room as I am being infused with my chemo drug and I see the most saddest sites...the cancer patient with the sunken eyes and scarf on her head, battling ovarian cancer, the woman who survived colon cancer years ago but has lung cancer today, and the new lung cancer patient. It is disturbing, yet when I finally strike up a conversaton with them, they all have reached way down inside of themselves and have hope and courage and the fight to live. It is another one of my lessons. Yesterdays infusion number 5 kicked my butt. I couldn't believe how gnarley my body felt afterwards. I was wiped out. I sat there with my childhood friend, Marcia. If she only knew how incredibly special it was for me to have her there. Really how could anything be more special than that? A friend since we were 5 years old! I came home and worked my butt of recording voice overs, had dinner and was in bed by 7;30pm...but when I climbed into bed, I let it all out...I wept. I just asked God to hold me while I cried. I am not use to my body so beat up-I have been healthy all my life. But remembering those patients who I sat with during chemotherapy, keeps me going..if they can go on, so can I. Thank you for my life God.

People are set before you for a reason

Gosh when I think of the past 4 chemo sessions I cannot believe how each time someone is sitting before me with a huge lesson.My first session was so emotional. When I  felt that needle inserted in the port in my chest, I broke down and cried. I spent 2 hours wiping tears streaming from my cheeks. I could  glance only once at the bag of chemicals dripping into my body. Jeff held my hand. There accross from me were 2 women, going through their 2nd diagnosis of cancer in their lifetime. They watched me cry and finally said "it's all okay we've been there" I did not feel so alone...when returning my pump on my 2nd session I sat next to a woman who looked so tired. She looked deep into my eyes and said "I don't know whats worse, having cancer or losing my 19 year old son in our house fire" I wept, and apologized to her for being such a baby whining over my treatments. I knew her story as I had read it in the newspaper..I was in disbelief. She ended up sitting with me in the infusion room and there she was telling me "it's all about our attitude to get through this" I was speechless. I then was infused another time, and found myself sitting accross from a man who was there as support for his cousin going through chemo. We talked of careers and life, and of course they were so intrigued by my wonderful career of voice overs. When I asked him his career, he responded "I've been an alcoholic for 50 years" What was he doing alive?!? He was here to help his cousin, and he's clean and sober now and proceeded to tell me he looks at everyday and everything in life as a miracle. The flowers blooming, the seasons changing, his new life. Again another lesson for me. Is this what this cancer diagnosis is all about? Me getting the lesson? Have I really taken life for granted? Have I held onto grudges? Is God trying to rattle my cage?....I really do not know but I do not take these people who have crossed my path for granted-nor wil I ever, from now on.

Surreal

This cancer journey is surreal. It feels like a dream-Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be enduring this. Never. I ate healthy, I exercised, I did my passion in life. Radio and then Voice Overs and here I am with this. I don't understand why there isn't a cure, what the hell is going on? Today was a meltdown...driving from one side of town to the other, I continuously wiped tears from my cheeks...why? I kept asking . All these millions of people who have died from this horrible disease,(my mother, my aunt, my grandfather, my father, beautiful 14 year old Korrine) and then those who are going through chemo and then of course the survivors who endured it in the first place. It just sucks big time. Thank God I have my microphone to do my voice overs everyday. It feeds me. I love it-but then the thoughts surface...."I have chemo this week"...I have to embrace this. I have to not let it grip me..I have to think of those who have it worse than me. I need to get a grip even though it feels so surreal.

Everyday is a lesson

If there really is one gift out of having cancer it is the gift of new lessons. Lessons that are testing my character everyday. I woke up 2 days ago with this awful rash on the back of my upper thigh. It was horrible, so I went to the Derm this morning , as I can't deal with this.  I have to admit I mumbled the words..."am I dying here?" It was scary and not a thought I wanted to put much weight on. I am challenged everyday, and everyday I get some lightbulb moment that I hear God speak, whether it is through a person or if I am quiet enough, I hear him. The nurse at the dermatolgist office asked if  I was taking any medications...well yes, chemo. I told her why as I felt my eyes well up with tears. She had this incredible comforting smile and said to me "I know all too well what you are going through, my daugher at age 15 was diagnosed with a blood cancer, she endured 16 months of chemo and shots and everything else" I could only ask.."is she a survivor?" She replied: "Yes she is and she is now a nurse at UCSF in the intensive care unit" It was too much. Here was another angel with God speaking through her. It will be okay. I can do this, but the tears still flow so often, so many days.Yes they do and even on the days when I receive lessons.

Wasting time on drama

I attended a memorial service for a fabulous human being yesterday. A man who loved his children dearly and loved his guy friends and most of all God. I have no idea why his life was taken from him and he didn't survive his motorcycle accident. God had the bigger plan. But after hearing how great he was, I learned his wife had filed for divorce 6 months back. What on earth could he have done for that to take place in his life? From the spoken sharing, to his photo montage, to the beautiful audio played, that I did on his kids a year ago talking to their dad about how great he is, I just don't understand this. I am at a loss for words. My heart aches for these kids and what they dealt with when told of the divorce and now what they must deal with not seeing their Dad ever again.Was there unbearable drama in his marriage? How can we make these decisions and not realize the reprocussions on those around us? I cannot figure out why humans act out and not think about the consequences of their actions.Batteling cancer makes me keenly aware of the irrelevant things and embrace the precious things. God is opening my eyes everyday during this battle.

My lessons about life through my diagnosis

I had a different blog but had to delete it , so I am starting over, I have to write, it is therapuetic...
Being diagnosed with cancer is absolutely life changing. I am only hoping my revelations and messages from God will stay with me, as I often wonder if that's why I had the disease in the first place....my stubborn ways of holding grudges. It's toxic. Yet I will tell you it really has been hereditary. The stories of my ancestors coming back and unloading on people they had grudges about are too numerous to mention. It can be laughed at, but it is startling.
When I survived my first diagnosis of uterine cancer in May...I thought I was really given a 2nd chance, it was time to make the wrongs, right in my life. The outpouring of love and prayers solidified my thoughts that there are many who are so selfless and giving, and it opened my eyes. On a solo walk on a Capitola beach I asked God  what was his lesson he wanted me to learn..I heard the word...literally "Trust" It seemed so damn big and vague...it played a huge part in my life,the amount of distrust I had with men, bosses, people was horrible. I had to trust there will be a lesson in the diagnosis, the doctors, my outcome....my cancer was contained in my uterus...I was stage #1 and cancer free, or so I thought. I now have cancer again, this time colon cancer. There is where..... I need to remind myself trust, trust, trust......God has plans for me somewhere in this.

Living with a cancer diagnosis

I praise God I knew to go after what I was most passionate about in life. I can see no other way to live on this planet. I started my career as a dental assistant, after 7 years I was bored..I loved music and it's magic and the emotion that can be created with it. I needed to do something with it....lucky for me to be working at a dental clinic at UC Santa Cruz. Every campus has a radio station....and my patient tipped me on their need to have a new voices on the radio...so I signed up..I was in absolute heaven presenting my weekly radio  show...combining all the feel good music I knew about. My dreams shifted to why not make a living out of it? So I distributed my air checks everywhere-and had dozens of rejection letters, but I knew I could break through somehow, and sure enough I did. I got hired on a commercial radio station, and from there my talents were perfected. I made it to SF doing mornings, afternoons evenings on every station you could think about in the bay area....I achieved my goal...but radio turned corporate and after as many firings as hiring's I transitioned to voice overs. I am successfully voicing, after years of training, building my home studio getting my agent and marketing. ....I am blessed, but I have been dealt a cancer card. Colon Cancer stage 3....chemo for 6 months, and my solace is voice overs. I will make it through this. But f for some reason I don't....I did what I wanted in life. If there is a lesson I can leave with anyone...please seek your passion and make a living from it...getting through a cancer diagnosis has been eased with doing what I love. I praise God for where he lead me to in my life..