People are set before you for a reason

Gosh when I think of the past 4 chemo sessions I cannot believe how each time someone is sitting before me with a huge lesson.My first session was so emotional. When I  felt that needle inserted in the port in my chest, I broke down and cried. I spent 2 hours wiping tears streaming from my cheeks. I could  glance only once at the bag of chemicals dripping into my body. Jeff held my hand. There accross from me were 2 women, going through their 2nd diagnosis of cancer in their lifetime. They watched me cry and finally said "it's all okay we've been there" I did not feel so alone...when returning my pump on my 2nd session I sat next to a woman who looked so tired. She looked deep into my eyes and said "I don't know whats worse, having cancer or losing my 19 year old son in our house fire" I wept, and apologized to her for being such a baby whining over my treatments. I knew her story as I had read it in the newspaper..I was in disbelief. She ended up sitting with me in the infusion room and there she was telling me "it's all about our attitude to get through this" I was speechless. I then was infused another time, and found myself sitting accross from a man who was there as support for his cousin going through chemo. We talked of careers and life, and of course they were so intrigued by my wonderful career of voice overs. When I asked him his career, he responded "I've been an alcoholic for 50 years" What was he doing alive?!? He was here to help his cousin, and he's clean and sober now and proceeded to tell me he looks at everyday and everything in life as a miracle. The flowers blooming, the seasons changing, his new life. Again another lesson for me. Is this what this cancer diagnosis is all about? Me getting the lesson? Have I really taken life for granted? Have I held onto grudges? Is God trying to rattle my cage?....I really do not know but I do not take these people who have crossed my path for granted-nor wil I ever, from now on.

Surreal

This cancer journey is surreal. It feels like a dream-Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be enduring this. Never. I ate healthy, I exercised, I did my passion in life. Radio and then Voice Overs and here I am with this. I don't understand why there isn't a cure, what the hell is going on? Today was a meltdown...driving from one side of town to the other, I continuously wiped tears from my cheeks...why? I kept asking . All these millions of people who have died from this horrible disease,(my mother, my aunt, my grandfather, my father, beautiful 14 year old Korrine) and then those who are going through chemo and then of course the survivors who endured it in the first place. It just sucks big time. Thank God I have my microphone to do my voice overs everyday. It feeds me. I love it-but then the thoughts surface...."I have chemo this week"...I have to embrace this. I have to not let it grip me..I have to think of those who have it worse than me. I need to get a grip even though it feels so surreal.

Everyday is a lesson

If there really is one gift out of having cancer it is the gift of new lessons. Lessons that are testing my character everyday. I woke up 2 days ago with this awful rash on the back of my upper thigh. It was horrible, so I went to the Derm this morning , as I can't deal with this.  I have to admit I mumbled the words..."am I dying here?" It was scary and not a thought I wanted to put much weight on. I am challenged everyday, and everyday I get some lightbulb moment that I hear God speak, whether it is through a person or if I am quiet enough, I hear him. The nurse at the dermatolgist office asked if  I was taking any medications...well yes, chemo. I told her why as I felt my eyes well up with tears. She had this incredible comforting smile and said to me "I know all too well what you are going through, my daugher at age 15 was diagnosed with a blood cancer, she endured 16 months of chemo and shots and everything else" I could only ask.."is she a survivor?" She replied: "Yes she is and she is now a nurse at UCSF in the intensive care unit" It was too much. Here was another angel with God speaking through her. It will be okay. I can do this, but the tears still flow so often, so many days.Yes they do and even on the days when I receive lessons.

Wasting time on drama

I attended a memorial service for a fabulous human being yesterday. A man who loved his children dearly and loved his guy friends and most of all God. I have no idea why his life was taken from him and he didn't survive his motorcycle accident. God had the bigger plan. But after hearing how great he was, I learned his wife had filed for divorce 6 months back. What on earth could he have done for that to take place in his life? From the spoken sharing, to his photo montage, to the beautiful audio played, that I did on his kids a year ago talking to their dad about how great he is, I just don't understand this. I am at a loss for words. My heart aches for these kids and what they dealt with when told of the divorce and now what they must deal with not seeing their Dad ever again.Was there unbearable drama in his marriage? How can we make these decisions and not realize the reprocussions on those around us? I cannot figure out why humans act out and not think about the consequences of their actions.Batteling cancer makes me keenly aware of the irrelevant things and embrace the precious things. God is opening my eyes everyday during this battle.

My lessons about life through my diagnosis

I had a different blog but had to delete it , so I am starting over, I have to write, it is therapuetic...
Being diagnosed with cancer is absolutely life changing. I am only hoping my revelations and messages from God will stay with me, as I often wonder if that's why I had the disease in the first place....my stubborn ways of holding grudges. It's toxic. Yet I will tell you it really has been hereditary. The stories of my ancestors coming back and unloading on people they had grudges about are too numerous to mention. It can be laughed at, but it is startling.
When I survived my first diagnosis of uterine cancer in May...I thought I was really given a 2nd chance, it was time to make the wrongs, right in my life. The outpouring of love and prayers solidified my thoughts that there are many who are so selfless and giving, and it opened my eyes. On a solo walk on a Capitola beach I asked God  what was his lesson he wanted me to learn..I heard the word...literally "Trust" It seemed so damn big and vague...it played a huge part in my life,the amount of distrust I had with men, bosses, people was horrible. I had to trust there will be a lesson in the diagnosis, the doctors, my outcome....my cancer was contained in my uterus...I was stage #1 and cancer free, or so I thought. I now have cancer again, this time colon cancer. There is where..... I need to remind myself trust, trust, trust......God has plans for me somewhere in this.

Living with a cancer diagnosis

I praise God I knew to go after what I was most passionate about in life. I can see no other way to live on this planet. I started my career as a dental assistant, after 7 years I was bored..I loved music and it's magic and the emotion that can be created with it. I needed to do something with it....lucky for me to be working at a dental clinic at UC Santa Cruz. Every campus has a radio station....and my patient tipped me on their need to have a new voices on the radio...so I signed up..I was in absolute heaven presenting my weekly radio  show...combining all the feel good music I knew about. My dreams shifted to why not make a living out of it? So I distributed my air checks everywhere-and had dozens of rejection letters, but I knew I could break through somehow, and sure enough I did. I got hired on a commercial radio station, and from there my talents were perfected. I made it to SF doing mornings, afternoons evenings on every station you could think about in the bay area....I achieved my goal...but radio turned corporate and after as many firings as hiring's I transitioned to voice overs. I am successfully voicing, after years of training, building my home studio getting my agent and marketing. ....I am blessed, but I have been dealt a cancer card. Colon Cancer stage 3....chemo for 6 months, and my solace is voice overs. I will make it through this. But f for some reason I don't....I did what I wanted in life. If there is a lesson I can leave with anyone...please seek your passion and make a living from it...getting through a cancer diagnosis has been eased with doing what I love. I praise God for where he lead me to in my life..