A New Year to look forward to

Funny, from March 2010 I have been  dealing with cancer, first uterine, then colon,.....and in March 2011 I will be done with this chemo treatment...a year of a hellacious roller coaster ride. Wow. Who in the hell would've thought this for me. So tonight when everyone is shouting Happy New Year, I really can shout with them, because in 3 frickin months I will be done. I have cancer, it doesn't have me! My good friend told me this yesterday. I hate you cancer you are a pain in the ass and you are just  wrong. I hate you cancer..I will say it again and again.....but my friends tell me also to make friends with chemo, it is saving my life, but so much easier said then done, as the side effects simply SUCK!
Go to hell cancer, I hate your slimey little tactics. God doesn't want this for me he hates sickness and sadness....he will walk through this with me......thank you for my life today.

another middle of the night wake up

I have no idea what drug is making this happen to me...I wake up nightly and lay there for 2 hours thinking about what is going on in my life. Yesterday was Chemo number 7 and it was TOUGH! oh my gosh I was wiped, so tired, weak  and drained. My platelets are down so next week it's 4 days in a row I need shots...this is so surreal...of course I conversed with a patient and he is in worse condition than me..stage 4 colon cancer...When the nurses asked him how his Christmas was and did he get all of his wishes..he replied "I have one wish, just to have 2 more years"...I looked away and started crying. I can't beleive what I am hearing in this office...I have to change my attitude toward chemo...it is not my enemy, it is saving me..help me see this somebody.God please help me.

Animals seem to know whats wrong

Who would've ever thought the calico cat we adopted would be so sweet? It was an adjustment period believe me, bringing in this new one with an already foster cat here in the house. It wasn't the stress I needed to be going through with my cancer...but after 2 cat brawls we gave back the first monster and kept the calico...Nala. I swear this cat knows I am fighting for my life here..each night she ever so gently jumps on the bed when I am trying to thank God for my day and talk to him about my next day and trying to go to  sleep. She nestles herself as high as she can on my chest, and rests her chin on my shoulder. But, she is not done at that point..she then licks my chin a few times then my hand....Does she know I am enduring this? I can't believe something so sweet came into my life at this time. Just like the hundreds of caring and concerned friends and family in my life at this time, Nala is here. I am so very grateful.

I need to love the mystery

I went to church last Sunday and the words rang so loudly in my ears..."I need to love the mystery". The mystery of cancer? The mystery as to, why me?....I need to love this? I guess wherever God has lead me I need to follow-not resist-just trust this is all meant to be. Trust is an uncharted territory for me..it has been so hard for me all my life to trust people.My cancer journey is never endless and scary and hard to trust that I am on course...I received a phone call from a cancer patient who I reached out to, to be her support, for her to be mine. She hadn't returned my call in a long while, but today she called. She was so sad, and so tired and has checked out. My heart ached for her pain, but I guess me carrying on with my voice overs everyday and keeping focused on life has really kept me from curling up and slipping into the darkness cancer can bring on. It all is such  a mystery and I guess it will always be....I can only keep my eyes on God at this point.
Thank you God for my life.

Half Way done

I am half way through this. I cannot believe it...God gave me the strength to perservere, I so often talk to myself saying I should tell the Oncologist no more. I believe the cancer is gone..it has to be, they operated, they found ONE measley lymph node with cancer in it, this chemo has had to of killed it off by now..Yet I am battling the thoughts in my brain everyday. Yesterday's chemo treatment kicked my butt..I was weak, tired and ached everywhere. My muscles in my calves were stiff, and my hands cramped up and began feeling the tingling in my fingertips, it was too much. I came home and slept but when I awoke I immediaely got to work on the mic doing what I love. Thank God I have postioned myself to work from home. I had a half dozen voice over scripts waiting for me and I plowed through them for my clients. But when I finally laid my weak body on my couch I began telling Jeff how overwhelmed I was with the sadness of seeing all those cancer patients around me getting chemo. I wept. It is so, so sad this disease even exists.It is truly horrible. I don't want to lose the sacredness of life over this.I believe the storm will soon be over. God is a healer.

Half Way There

It's always good to look at any challenge as "half way there" instead of focusing on how much more...I love the quote "Focus on the journey not the end destination" It's the only thing i can do to change my mind set, as I wake up thinking about chemo and cancer and go to bed thinking about it. I shared the realizaton with my dear friend Jenny with tears streaming down my face..just so tired...Jenny asked a deeper question..."what is it that you are actauly thinking?" I responded: "dread"....it was then that we talked about shifting my mind thought to ..."it's temporary, love on all the people loving on you, stay close to God, he doesn't want this, this is the makings of satan and mankind..generations ago, and yes for me it is generatons ago..the gene I have inherited that predisposed me to this disease was from a long family history line. So today I face a new day..I am meeting with fellow girl broadcastes at a brunch then off to a family Christmas ornament exchange..those are sweet meaningful activiteis, activiteis that should keep my mind on how far I have come and how far I want to go. Thank you for my life dear God.

If Only.....

"If Only" is not something we should have in our vocabulary..it can make us nuts. Sort of like "but" My therapist from a lng time ago was tired of me saying me say: "but....what if' "but if only"..she came up with "my buts make a butt out of me"..ha...well now here I am in this cancer journey saying "if only"...If only I had genetic testing years ago, I would've managed my health better. So at conception I was passed ngtis gene..The Lynch Syndrome"predisosing me to cancer...my visit to Stanford unveiled it all. I am so sad, and so concerned over my beautiful son Adam..When will I tell him? I may have passed it to him. Why God knew this and has had me endure thisis beyond me...I guess at this point it's my time to encourage others to learn their family health history, be preventative..you don't want to go down my path...

The Waiting Game

I'm waiting for the diagnosis from Stanford..do I carry the gene that predisposes me to colon cancer? Hell I already have it, I already had uterine cancer....what is the point of knowing. The point is I have to let Adam, our son,  know..that will not be a fun conversation...I still can't believe this at all. When I feel my chapped lips, and upset stomach, and I run my hand ever so slowly over where my port is placed, protruding through my skin..I know it is a reality. I am pissed I didn't get a colonsocopy when I was told to do so..maybe all of this wouldn't have happennd. Damn it I am mad at myself.Who the hell knows. All I know is I am scared, sad and tired from it all..In the meantime here in my home studio, I will get back to my voice overs and take my mind off of it all...that is where my solace lies...Screw you cancer!

The genetic testing

Stanford today. It wasn't easy believe me. I asked a nurse.."is everyone here dealing with cancer?" "She replied, yes everyone". it was too much. I wanted out of there. Wheelchairs, masks, sunken eyes, elderly, young...I wanted to run out of there so bad. I most likely carry a gentic gene. They took my blood and I will get my answer next week....I can only think of our son Adam....it is a scary thought.It is a horrible thought that he could carry the gene. All I can say is screw you cancer, you are an ass hole!

the many cancer patients

I look accross the room as I am being infused with my chemo drug and I see the most saddest sites...the cancer patient with the sunken eyes and scarf on her head, battling ovarian cancer, the woman who survived colon cancer years ago but has lung cancer today, and the new lung cancer patient. It is disturbing, yet when I finally strike up a conversaton with them, they all have reached way down inside of themselves and have hope and courage and the fight to live. It is another one of my lessons. Yesterdays infusion number 5 kicked my butt. I couldn't believe how gnarley my body felt afterwards. I was wiped out. I sat there with my childhood friend, Marcia. If she only knew how incredibly special it was for me to have her there. Really how could anything be more special than that? A friend since we were 5 years old! I came home and worked my butt of recording voice overs, had dinner and was in bed by 7;30pm...but when I climbed into bed, I let it all out...I wept. I just asked God to hold me while I cried. I am not use to my body so beat up-I have been healthy all my life. But remembering those patients who I sat with during chemotherapy, keeps me going..if they can go on, so can I. Thank you for my life God.