Thinking about all of it all today

I found some notes I scribbled from sitting in church listening to the message, and felt compelled to write how they fed me. ...I guess I need to believe God wired me to make a difference. I am to tell people my story so that I can save their life. Everyone has a God story. We cross the line and he'll hand out a consequence. From this point on I need to challenge the state of my lfe. Challenge my fears, my sins, lack of trust and my judgemental ways. I need to be delivered from my fears most of all. I really need to make Jesus the leader of my life from this point on....I can't do it alone!
Tomorrow is Easter and i get to spend quality time with my great brothers..they have been so supportive checking in on me so often. it is so very special....something i will never ever forget.
Thank you God for my life.

The Countdown again...

I am waiting for the CT Scan results..I don't see the Doctor for 2 weeks...I pray I receive no phone call earlier, because I've been through that...the phone call from the office a few days after.."uh the Doctor would like to see you sooner"...yep i had that one with the uterine cancer screening results, and with the GI specialist who informed me my intestinal polyp was cancerous. A horrible call for anybody.So I wait for the Doctors appointment and I wait to hear those joyous words, ...."we found nothing in the scan" so I kept busy today with voice overs and voice tracking my internet radio show...it gives me joy and happiness, I am so glad I am doing my passion in life. Praise God. Thank you for my life today!

I stared at the operatory ceiling lights and began to cry

Today was the CT Scan to see if all the cancer is out...As I laid myself down on the table about to be slowly moved into the XRay chamber I prayed. They took a number of pictures having me hold my breath as the images were taken. I then had a break and they then put iodine into my veins. My pelvis  and insides became instantly warm...I slowly entered the chamber again. When I came back out I stared at the operatory ceiling again, and thought about my journey and how scary it was to be there today. It was then I felt the tears streaming down my face and dripping onto my neck. Iam almost done here, I hope to look back on this as a wake up call. But to have colonoscopies every year and paps every 3 months i will be faced with the anxiety again. God has been my companion through all of this, and my friends and family. Thank you God for my life today.
Oh by the way, I came home and cranked out 7 voice overs..it is my solace.

The Countdown begins...

Wednesday is my big day, yes it's another hurdle...It's the CT Scan that will show my clean body(thinking positive here ).The CT scan will show if any cancer is left in my body. I have to drink the juice on Tuesday, and then Wednesday morning it is the big day. I am doing my best to hold on to this positive thought. I still can't believe what I have learned from all of this ....so many things...trust, patience, the kindness of friends and family, avoiding the negative people...they have to help themselves, I can't afford to be their savior...I am so grateful during my uterine cancer surgery the Doctor's saw the intestinal polyp. I woud've went another year  without the colonoscopy and then it would be too late. I just couldn't bear to live in the "it's too late stage' Not after all I have already went through.
I am so ready to feel better. My appetite is back and i actually walked a few blocks on Friday. I really need to increase that, I really do. At church today the message was based on what Jesus did days before Palm Sunday and the Passover.... he wanted to make a difference. Our pastor then asked us: what are the differences I need to move away from. I am indifferent to trust, fear and bad mouthing others. These  ways I want to overcome and not let it rule my behavior. The learning in life goes on and on, and I can only hope my positive gifts from cancer will rule over those other ways of me. I thank God for my life...thank you God for my life today. Tomorrow I have an onsite voice over in town and I am sure I will have many scripts waiting for me tomorrow morning. Thank you God for leading me to my passion. Thank you.

The Countdown

Now I have the real countdown coming up...the final PET scan and blood test in 2 weeks. I can't imagine having to endure this journey again. I just have to be cured of cancer. My story is a message..please be pro active in your health issues. If there is a family history of a disease, get DNA tested, or at least have an annual physical every year. I know of so many people who say "I haven't been to a Doctor in years", can't live that one. Nobody should deal with chemo, it was the hardest thing I did in my life...thee hardest.
Thank you God for my life.

cancer and chemo my friends?

I woke up in the middle of the night and layed there for awhile..my thoughts starting running..."maybe I shouldn't be so hard on cancer and chemo" WTF? What was I thinkng??!!...but then again I always have said 'positive thoughts create positive results'. My friend who walked me through a few tough days and is a breast cancer survivior herself ,said.."one day you will thank your cancer". I thought she was crazy...but last night in the wee hours I thought "well, cancer has made me see the world in a different light, and I see people differently now and people were so giving to me during the treatments, -and my chemo, it was there to kill the cancer..so maybe, just maybe..I can thank them". Whew that was hard to write..but I am willing to work on it now that I am done.....FOREVER! There's my posttive thought! Thank you God for my life!

there's only one thing to trust in life...

I heard in church a statement by the pastor..."there is only one thing to put our trust in, God.
not money, not things". If there is one person I talked the most with during my cancer journey it is God.
Every few moments I am asking him to help me get through this. From day one I found myself continually talking to myself....God why? God tell me what I am suppose to learn? God help me through this. Please God please cure me. I am not a bible thumping christian. I don't know one single scripture by heart..but I beieve there is a God  and daily I have to remind myself 'trust' and that hes got a handle on this silent disease cancer. That has been my driving force in this chapter of my life.So as I always seem to write, I end this blog with...thank you for my life.

Chemo residuals

Chemo sucks...although my cancer surviving friend Julia said "if it's wrecking havoc on the ouside it's doing it's job inside" yeah right. It's been a week since I have been free of treatments, and i am still so very, very exhausted and the nueropathy in my fingers and toe suck. My hands hurt to curl them. My toes have to have socks or I go into a nerve ending tailspin. Today I just broke down and cried as I was lying next to the heater to get my hands and feet warm. I just asked God..."no more, no more I paid my dues, I don't want to pay them anymore". My big hurdle is coming in a few weeks it's the PET scan and blood work, my comforting thought is they gave me same chemo cocktail as they would have on a stage 4 person...it has to have worked. praise God for my life, I am afterall still alive!!

Slowly I am getting better!

I still have numbness in my toes and my fingers and my lips and hands are very dry. My thumb had cracks in the skin all this week and it was SO painful.  Slowly I am feeling a wee bit better! Thank God for that. I had a massage yesterday, and next week I am detoxing with my feet immersed in some kind of crazy ion water bath..whatever I can do to get this chemo out of me, I am damn ready!I thank God everyday for my life. I am feeling anxious about the upcoming PET scan and blood work...it should tell all, whether I am cancer free. I think sooner than later I will bring Adam in for a DNA test, it is so scary for me as a Mom and I am sure it will be so emotional. I don't want to ruin his focus as he is only 17-imagine being told that you inherited a cancerous gene at that age? I don't want to go through it yet, I just don't.I am going forward with mending me! I want to have fun in life now, I want to do more voice overs, I want to watch Adam  play Football his senior year in high school, graduate from college, marry and have a kid..I have to see this in my lifetime. God please let me do it!Thank you God for my life today.