Losing 3 longtime girlfriends in 25 days, really?

In the past 25 days I have lost 3 buddies who all were in important chapters in my life. Unexpected deaths that affected all decade of my life.These women were in my career, they were in my twenties, they were in my time of being a Mom.I stumble as I write because each one have touched hundreds of people, not just Me. November 11th I was scrolling Facebook only to see a post from Ann's sister. "Unexpectedly we lost Ann" I took a double take on the post.What!? Ann and I just messaged each other about music in the Santa Cruz area, Cold Blood was returning. Ann was my buddy when I first moved to Santa Cruz as a 20 year old too young to be married working at Pac Bell. I loved that hippie girl Ann who sat next to me as we answered our Directory Assistance calls laughing at the insane questions coming our way. She had the sweetest sounding voice. I loved it. She teased the hell out of Me when she saw me planning a dinner meal of hot dogs and beans. "You don't eat Hot Dogs and Beans do you?!!"It was my new road to tofu and a non meat diet.I moved on from that job, went to college, dabbled in radio, left the area and found Ann again on Facebook.Years later met up in Santa Cruz and had a rockin' night enjoying live music laughing about those crazy Pac Bell days. Ann's passing was totally unexpected.I am so grateful to have been her buddy,she was one of a kind. Now for JoAnn. My young marriage painfully ended in Santa Cruz,and I was about to embark on a single life I never had. JoAnn was 5 years younger than Me. Full of life and dreams. We would have her pretend Flight Attendent passenger instructions after way too many cocktails always laughing hysterically while we cheered her on. JoAnn married and left the area, had a son and was diagnosed with cervical cancer, and fought it hard. It changed her life. Her marriage ended, she moved to Texas, and began her career as a Flight Attendent at age 40. She resurfaced when I was diagnosed with my uterine and colon cancer in 2010,giving me tips on how to keep a positive attitude. It was a great reconenction,she was so much wiser and enlightened. Her son grown up now married, had a baby, and JoAnn now diagnosed with her 2nd cancer,Breast cancer, had something to live for. A grandchild, and soon two.She endured all the horrible side effects and yet pushed through.Two months back in September her healthy took a nose dive. Fluid in her lungs, unable to breathe, the cancer was back.I was heartbroken for her,I wanted to selfishly have her for years longer.It didn't end that way. I saw the post on Facebook,as she wasn't returning my calls or texts. It just wasn't like her. November 24th JoAnn took her last breath at the age of 61.I am stunned and broken. Finally,Sweet Renee. Renee was my bud when I became a Mom. It was a late decision for me to become a mom,as my radio career was sailing along. Renee was younger and her son was in classrooms with our son Adam. We went on field trips, attended school chapel, met for coffee, school plays, Christmas exchanges, and took long exercise walks. Renee saw her children graduate from college, her son marry and worked dilgently to become healthy. A few years back she was diagnosed with Crohns Disease. Hooking her up with my sister in law who also battles the disease, they leaned on each other and exchanged tips on living with the disease.Renee spent her last days with her family.friends and her faith. She gained a daughter in law and shared an afternoon with them, wrapping up the evening viewing the neighborhood Christmas lights. Renee passed in her sleep that night December 6th. Too young. Unexpectedly. Her children, and hundreds of friends are devastated, she would have been 55 December 30th.We are now preparing for her services on that day. I am trying to wrap my head around all of this. Various decades in my life these women shared laughs, tears, hopes, dreams, and their time with Me. 3 longtime friends gone in just 25 days. I am grateful I was lucky enough to have them as friends in life,but I hurt for all of these beautiful women have left behind. Sadly the reality has set in. I miss you Ann, I miss you JoAnn, I miss you Renee.

A Cup of Coffee with Mom

I lost my Mom when she was 50 years old to Breast Cancer. She was first diagnosed at age 48. My Mom was well loved by many. What was most important to her were her kids and her girlfriends. She would spend a few hours, a few days a week, over her girlfriends homes having a cup of coffee with them. She was escaping my Father, who was a rager. It wasn't easy living in that house with that nonsense, thats why I always knew my Mom loved her girlfriends. I don't know how much she shared with them about my Dad. I wished I knew. I know she was in pain and there was a deep sadness in her about it all.I never had a chance to drink coffee with my Mom. I actually started drinking coffee in my late 30's.I immediately knew this was a ritual. For me,drinking coffee with girlfriends was a treat, it was my go to for a catch up conversation. I pop in the local coffee shops a few times a week to this day because I still see it as a treat, it's my self care. This weekend my husband, Jeff and I celebrated my childhood girlfriends son in law 50th birthday. It was a two hour drive from our house. The party was a blast that included a few of my childhood girlfriends who knew my Mom.The trek was too far to come back home so we stayed at a hotel in Vacaville. Vacaville was where my Mom was buried. Alongside her parents, my grandparents, whom she loved deeply.Vacaville was where I went as a kid to the Ranch with cherry trees, walnut trees, at a gorgeous farm house with antiques in every room. It's where my Mom would go as a child and ride horses, and sip tea and coffee with my great Aunty in the huge old fashioned kitchen.I had to go find my Mom today. I have only visited my Moms gravesite a few times. The last time was decades ago. I could only remember it was near a street on a sloped hill.The office was closed so we drove around and I got out with Me grasping my cup of coffee that I was sipping from our ride.I trekked around the cemetary quite a bit. I texted a cousin who has kept up on our family history, "where is my Moms gravesite?" My phone died as soon as I sent it. I just couldn't stop looking, I kept thinking I know I would be disappointed if I got back in the car without finding it. I wondered further, and then, I found it! I couldn't beleive my eyes. Her parents, Aunty, her dads brother and sister in law, and there was my Mom. There I was standing with my cup of coffee. I was in disbelief. I knew she wouldnt let me go until I found her. I had no flowers. My phone died and I needed to have that cup of coffee with her. Why not ? Jeff's phone was working so I kneeled down and told her thanks and took a big sip from my cup.There were no tears. I just smiled that I didn't give up looking. We celebrated a 50th birthday and my Mom died at 50. It was a bittersweet thought. Today I finally had a cup of coffee with my Mom.

"It's all a blur" I told the Nurse walking to surgery

It was the annual colonoscopy procedure. The procedure that determines my fate each year because of living with Lynch Syndrome.I spent 24 hours prepping for it with the nasty liquids and a mind racing trying to feed me with fear. It is the annual ritual I go through since being diagnosed with stage 3 Colon Cancer Fall of 2010.As I was called back the young nurse walked me down the long hallway, pressed the enter button leading me to the surgical prep area while explaining to me now that we are in Covid we have to enter the area differently. I said, "It's all a blur" I have done this so many times I forget the details, but I know my emotions are always the same. I begin feeling fearful as I get closer to the changing room. As I fold my clothes up and place them in the belongings bag, I wrestle with those recurring thoughts. I start bargaining with God. I flash on the fact the past few days I was looking at a file full of pictures of me highlighting my life. Yes I go there. I think if I don't make it, I will be prepared with my pictures that could be played at my funeral. Call it crazy, but walk in my shoes and you will know. Any cancer survivor fights these thoughts before every lab test, every CT scan and every procedure. I ring the bell and let them know I am ready and they walk me to my bed and begin the many tasks to get me ready. The warm blanket, the blood pressure, the IV, the asking me who I am and when is my birthdate and why am I there. Then I wait. Then I go to the place of fear and all alone, and my eyes well up with tears.I fight them this time, I bargain with God again and I visualize Dr House telling me I was all clear, no polyps, I'll see you in a year. The anesthesiologist introduces himself and explains to me the fast acting drug that I know so well. The one I actually love because it is short acting but lets me escape from all the fear I have.Dr House stops by and asks her questions then scrubs up. I am wheeled in the operating room, I remember some small talk, and I remember the warm Propoful fluid go into my arm. It was quiet, I was out. Then the moment I prayed for was evolving. I see Dr House bedside, and she tells me the words I wanted to hear, "no polyps,you did fine". I thanked her profusely. I embraced every single ounce of gratitude I had. I worked on being more awake so I could go home.I thought of what I can eat, who I am going to tell first-Adam for sure, then all my buddies who are always pulling for me, and I mostly looked forward to getting on the mic and voicing a script. It is exactly what I did. I am grateful, I am blessed and I thank God for my life again today.

A Conservative in the Voice Over and Radio world

This blog takes guts. All the guts I have is being laid out here tonight. With political views as divisive as they are and finger pointing rampant and free speech being stripped from the Right, I am risking everything talking about my stance, risking a Producer or client from booking me for a Voice Over just because, risking a Radio opportunity that I could be interested in. For some crazy reason I feel a bit safe here. Just a tiny bit. I could never say it on Facebook,(I deactivated my Facebook page months ago) I wouldn't on Instagram, and I don't have a stupid Twitter account, so my blog is where I share.This has been my tell all most transparent platform. I have needed it for my sanity to get me through my horrible cancer diagnosis, my radio blindside firings and my disappointing Voice Over rejections, and even my crappy marriage. So if I am attacked here, I have nowhere to go. Yet writing is my therapy.I can't help but feel saddened that the very colleagues I offered my home studio to when they got fired from a Radio job so that they can make a demo, the very colleagues who I immediately called when I heard they were fired and offered my ear and time to hear their utter sadness for losing something so passionate to them, the very colleagues who at professional lunches sat at the tables and smeared my Conservative party's views and proudly stated they would cut anybody off that they knew who voted Conservative. I sat there not participating in the conversation at all. I knew I would be lambasted if I did. So despite the fact that in a heartbeat I would give my time, my advice, to someone who was hurting in their job loss or their cancer illness and offer comfort, it is these very people that would say I am a racist and a bigot and deplorable because I am not on their side baffles Me. How in the world can anybody do that? It saddens me so deeply that it exists. I didn't do it to them. I wouldn't even think of doing it to them! Sadly it all exists...my own brothers turned on their only sister, their sister who fought horrible challenges in life, who gathered us together after losing our Mother at age 50 to ugly Cancer, and now they don't talk to me....they had a hunch I was Conservative so figured out a way to angle their email to go for my juggler upon me asking about their Shelter In Place status...Yes, I was called a Moron, Pathetic, a Bible Thumping, Annie Get Your Guns and Stupid Ass. That was the last correspondence they have had with Me. So that is what the other side can do to one who isn't politically on their side? To someone who would give the shirt off their back for them. The sadness I feel from this is deeper than any Radio job firing I have had in my lifetime, as deep as my first divorce, as deep as my voice over rejections. I cannot wrap my mind around it all anymore.So I will proudly say here that I love my country. I love the beauty that it offers in the abounding nature that I am blessed to live in. I have a mountain home and a beach home. I can freely go to either when I need a change of scenery. I love that ,so far, we are free to excel in our careers. Our heads aren't cut off like they are doing in other countries, our children aren't enslaved, our voices can be heard. Although with what is happening with being silenced and threatened for my different point a view I don't feel safe anymore. I have to secretly write my thoughts here and pray I am not lambasted any worse than what my brothers did to me or the threat that my colleagues said they will do. That's a horribly sad world folks. I will close my blog tonight with a sickened feeling in my stomach over this. I will find some song that brings me joy and escape through music or maybe I'll listen to a few of my VO demos and hold onto that small slice that brings me my joy. God this saddens me so deeply. Why would you all do this to Me or anybody anyway? I just don't understand much anymore.