Anniversary Dates...what's with March?

Incredibly strange...People always reflect on anniversary dates...births, romantic dates ,weddings, surgeries, deaths...we all do the "one year ago today"...blah blah blah. The March month is just way too full of anniversary dates for me....one year ago in March 2011, the 23rd to be exact, was my last ounce of chemo. I took the ugly little black pump bag back. Dropped it off, and went for a martini with my friend Bobbi....I also just a few weeks ago was back at the OB-Gyn having the annual Pap done. Thank God the results were negative. There isn't an appointment I go to these days that I am not sweating test results. so here it is a year later and I reflect on the year..What a joy to say I have been off chemo for a year. There's more to this story though, because in March 2010 I was told  had uterine cancer, and in March 2009....I had a bum pap smear...and in March 1975 I hooked up ith my high school sweetheart-who in the end broke my heart into hundreds of pieces-and sadly to this day-=because March 11th at a funeral, of all places, I ran into him and completely froze. I dialogued with him for awhile after he found me on Facebook, but there at the funeral face to face with him, I couldn't stand the sight of him near me. ...What in the hell is with this? Could it just be me? Do these coincidences happen to others? Am I manifesting the month of March as bad? I have just had a light bulb moment as I write....maybe since March is symbolic of Spring and I  go into the year the same ol way I always have...maybe it's that Spring reflects new beginnings and all these events were new beginnings. Whether bad or good-it is the time of the year for Me to get it together and stop being the same ol, same ol stubborn way that I am...who knows? I just know that I have to rewrite the book and see March as my new beginning...so it goes to say tomorrow is a new day-the next minute a new minute-a chance for me to move on and embrace it all in a good way...off to do a voice over and make a few calls to generate some new work with a new attitude....I guess I can only try.....

Change the tape in my head

I know better. I know I should change the tape inside my head. I am constantly grimacing about my numb feet. It is not good. I know all that psycho babble..."positive thoughts create positive results" Complaining is not helping...but! This is just insanely unbearable...I need to find  a solution somehow, someway.It wears me out. My back hurts at the end of the day, and it just sucks....ARGH!!!!!
So what else do I know to talk about besides cancer? Voice Overs.....ah yes, my escape. Today was a good day, sent many voice overs out, nailed a killer contact at a huge corporation, wrapped up a Medical read, and tomorrow eve I teach my Voice Over class. I am pretty excited as I tweaked my Power Point presentation quite a bit with the help of my dear college bud, Jewel-a cancer survivior mind you-It will be fun to present a slick slide show finally. My original depicted my psyche: all over the place. ha! Now it is so clean and easy to follow. I have 13 students in the class,so will generate some good bucks with that headcount,and I am going to suggest I make thier future demo. I shy away from it all the time-and then i rethink my no and realize I have an ear for this...after decades in front of the mic being critiqued by every teacher under the sun, I a sure I can do this...so! I embark on the road I love most..my work. Tomorrow will be good despite....no I won't say it, tomorrow will be great! Thank you God for my life today.

Irrittable beyond belief.

I haven't felt like writing in a long time. I have avoided it because I am consumed with the discomfort. I am so irritated by this nueropathy. The feeling in my toes, feet, and calves is crazy making. My feet feel like a waded up mess of tingling nerves. I can't scrunch my toes without feeling the messed up nerves. I thought tonight how no way in hell do i want to feel these tingling sensations the rest of my life. I am too young to be dealing with this. All because of stupid ididotic chemo. I should've stopped the treatment sooner. I should've been brave and did it. I should've told the Doctor no more and quit before 12 rounds. Who the hell said 12 rounds was the magic number?
One year ago this month I will have had my last chemo infusion...March 21st to be exact... I wanted this to be over by now...I am irritable all the time. Last week end I served as an encourager for a Womens Christian retreat as a cancer survivor, and as expected I counseled 2 women.One was just raw with fear and sorrow. She couldn't shake the fear of having cancer in her body. She was wearing the usual attire...jacket and gloves and straight legged tight jeans with her short hair, and there she was with tears streaming down her face talking about her fear, and her numb fingers and feet. I put on my strong face while fighting back my own tears and could only tell her I hated it all too and to go out and find joy amidst all of this. Go do something that she loves...and her love is line dancing...so she will
get back into she said..but what more could I give her? The second woman was concerned about how she could comfort her dying sister in law. Felt awkward. I could only tell her to just do it, there is no grading system on how to comfort someone in this, as the barrage of emotions come over us like waves, so be consistent and love on her sister...it was small in comparison to the actual cancer patient and what they must endure. It was all just another reminder to me of the wrath of the disease. I can only pray for a miracle. I am coming up on my annual CT scan....God only knows what emotions that will stir up inside of me when I go.......Argh! Cancer I hate you.