Why do people put carcinogens in their body when I'm wanting them out?

As I sat in the clinic operatory today waiting for the shot to help my white blood cells come up..I stared out the window. I saw a girl walking toward the clinic smoking a cigarette..I thought to myself "why would you intentionally put carcinogens in your body  when I want them out? It didn't make sense, all the while my husband is on the nicotine patch after smoking for41 years..it just doesn't make any sense.That isn't all I saw...I noticed couple walking to their car, the 40 something guy was holding his wife's arm. I then wondered which one just had a chemo treatment. I then saw the woman let go of him and open the car doors. He leaned up to the car next to him from exhaustion,  with his hands on the trunk, he steadied himself and walked to the open door. I started to cry for him, as I know all too well the feeling of coming out of chemo.My heart ached. I have learned so much from this cancer diagnosis, It was a vision that will stay in mind for a long time. I just have to get through this. I want to see Adam graduate and play college football and find his career dream, marry and maybe have a kid, my grand kid.I pray God has his arms wrapped around me, and I pray tomorrow's shot will be okay and raise my blood white cells. i can only do one thing,I have to end on a positive...thank you for my life.

God did whisper patience in my ear awhile back

Well I thought I was going for chemo 9 today...anxiety as usual but excitement that it is bringing me closer to my 12th and last chemo treatment.....my dear son Adam, was off school today so drove me....I get into the car and he has a blue painter mask on....saying "Mom I am  too close in proximity to you so a mask it is"...I just melted...he of course drew a funny face on it and told me some movie had a Dad that wore one constantly because his daughter was sick, but in the end it was he that was sick too and died...oh, I would shed many tears watching that one.....at any rate, I got in and they drew blood only to find my white blood cell count was too low for chemo...I was so deeply bummed...I now have to go tomorrow for a shot-hoping no side effects, making #9 treatment  next week...argh,damn it..I remembered God whispered"Patience" in my ear when I walked along the beach awhile back while I  begged him to tell me something about all that I am going through, and I heard just the word: patience. So I am tested again...cancer you really are giving me lots of lessons! Off to do some voice overs for some piece of mind..my dear clients you have no idea you are keeping me sane.........praise God.

Died, Passed Away, Passed, Death.......Funerals and Memorial Services

I cannot believe since November I have been to 5 memorial services....one motorcycle death, one teen overdose, 2 cancers and one of natural causes.What the heck is this about? I think for me... to appreciate living. It just has to be...life is so damn precious, I just hope all who read this who are healthy place those two feet on your floor after rolling out of bed each morning and say "Thank you for my life" I am a bit floored at the realization of it all.
I went to Stanford Friday for my follow up to my gene testing..oh to have to go there! Every person sitting in the lobby is battling a form of cancer..the masked faces, the yellow skin, the skinny bodies..it is so overwhelming to me.It is not a pleasant site, believe me. The genetic researchers and Oncologist gave me my "to do" list..colonoscopies every year, endo scopy every 2 years to check my stomach, as Lynch Syndrome gene carriers have to watch for stomach cancers...just great! Also have to do urinealysis testing annually, of course mamograms and paps...geeez what the hell? What the hell?
Monday it is number nine chemo..I pray it is smooth, last week just kicked my butt and I really have been weak for the past week! I need to discuss all these stupid symptoms.....Cancer you are an ass!

Dealing with the thoughts in my head

My thoughts in my head took a twist the past few days...I am so weak and lethargic, I can hardly voice my voice overs on the mic. If only my clients knew....I was so weak going to the store yesterday, I picked up Ensure and Boost as my appetite is barley here and I am losing weight each week.My thoughts have been..am I dying here? My gosh I am only stage 1. The cancer has to be destroyed by now, but intermittently the thoughts come up. It scares me. My poor son, Adam, is scared, and I found a note he had written about how he hates seeing his Mom so frail and how he hates the drugs they are putting in me....I have to have faith...church said today that "God is using me as a plan and faith is not wishing on a star, I have to follow Gods plan with faith"...I am so grateful for the support from my friends and family-they keep me fighting..but God I need to watch these voices in my head....

cancer surviving friends who check in

There is nothing like speaking with a cancer survivor..especially when they are my dear friends...but when the phone calls come in I feel so guilty for not being there for them when they were going through it all. Nobody knows the walk like a cancer survivor...my dear long time friend JoAnn called last night from Texas...and I wasn't there for her 11 years ago when she went through cervical cancer..they gave her a 10 percent chance of surviving..but she told me she endured it all...chemo, radiation, test studies, and she is alive to tell me I am going to make it, I will get through this, and she shared her deepest darkest moments, and I could so relate to the fears and tears..they are my heroes, and anybody else who calls me to check in...I so appreciate them taking time out of their busy lives to wish me well...they are angels, they are my hope, they are providing me with lessons....people can be truly beautiful....all I can say at this point is ....thank you God for my life today.

Chemo side effects suck

I had number 8 yesterday! Just 4 more to go I have to hang in there, I just have to. I had my Mom buddy, Liz bring me, she was just the sweetest, before we went in she asked if she could pray for me, she took my gloved hands and held them and said the most beautiful prayer...giving me hope, take away my fears, pray for my son and husband...it was so special. She came in with me and they hooked me up. It all went so well...she stayed about an hour then left. I arranged for my childhood friend, Denise, to take me back home...it was so very special..if she only knew. It is so hard for me to ask for help....as I was about to leave I asked the nurse for something to drink...she gave me cold juice..with the 2nd sip my throut paralyzed..my tongue wouldn't let me speak words clearly, I was on the phone with a producer for an upcoming gig!!OMG...what could I do? The nurse was profusely sorry and gave me warm water...it's a another damn side effect of chemo. I barely walked out of there, and Denise drove me home with me slirring my words and I was so panicked. My voice is my money, my solace.I got in the house and sobbed....I was tired, hungry and there on my computer was 6 VO's to get out and one Agent audition...I couldn't take it, I had to get food and go to sleep...so this morning on the mic at 8am it was, and I cranked them all out and then more...my work keeps me busy, the chemo side effects suck!Screw you cancer.

Do the tears ever stop?

I went for my white blood cell shot, but before they were to give it to me they took a blood sample from my finger. As I waited there looking out the window, a woman sat herself down with the scarf on her head. I just shook my head and could feel the tears welling up...I looked ahead of me and there was her sister and niece. They came for support, I missed that support today..but the woman noticed my eyes tearing up, grabbed a tissue and said "you have to pray, you have to have hope"..I cried only more, and asked "what is your sister being treated for?"..."breast cancer stage 3" she replied, I began talking, with tears streaming down my face..."this makes me so sad seeing others, it makes me so sad dealing with this" The nurse came in and let me say it all over again with a huge understanding of where I was coming from. It was too much...but the blood results said my white blood cells were up..I didn't need the shot...it was victory for me. I felt relieved. As I walked out still trying to control more tears, I thought "this too will pass"......I will beat this stupid ass cancer and the chemo is helping me.....it's another... thank you for my life God.

Through the faces of others I can see God

That's what my pastor said last week in church, and I can affirm that in my journey here. The patients and friends and family who have offered me words of wisdom are showing me God. Their push for me to get through this, they are my gifts. I talked with my college room mate tonight,who battled breast cancer 15 years ago and won. She gave me sound advice to start programming in my head..It was God talking through her.
She tells me to think of it this way...All these side effects are showing me what the chemo is doing to the cancer...as much as they are a nuisance, if I can begin to see it as that..Well then, if this is tearing up my skin and stomach, it must be tearing up the cancer! As for the shots for the white blood cells being low, I've gotten through 2 so far, ...she said look at it as though the  shots are making me better....I so need to listen to "The Secret", the CD on health.  I am sure I will find ways of coping....number 8 is next week....number 3 shot is tomorrow...screw you cancer you are not going to win!

I will survive this

Positive thoughts create positive results..I use to have that hanging on my bathroom mirror..my affirmation to get into Radio 2 decades ago. I had post it notes all over my house..."I will make it to San Francisco radio"..."positive thoughts create positive results"....I have voice over affirmation's on every month of my calendar now, to keep me in the game and behind the almighty microphone, so I know it works...it worked for my career, it has to work for my health. I will have to do my shots this week for my low white blood cells..so I am praying no agonizing side effects..They have warned me of sore muscles..."a little Tylenol" they tell me will work...I hate them always suggesting more drugs...so looks like the positive thoughts are my ally. They will be, I am damn determined...go to hell cancer!