Feeling grateful to be alive this year

Last year at this time I was 6 months out of chemotherapy treatments. I sincerely think I was still operating in the fright stage. Glad the chemo was over but deeply traumatized by the journey. I just moved through it. I think I was experiencing PTSD. Post traumatic stress disorder. I was anxious. I could close my eyes and feel the emotion of fear and the other feelings I had for a year, many times reducing me to tears...but this year it is different. I drive around town with my to do list for my Christmas gifts. Making all those photo calendars for friends and family, creating memories for them and creating warm smiles for me. As I drove many times in the past few weeks, I would suddenly think...wow I am here this year. I would have this child like warmth come over me,; excited that it's Christmas and loving all the decorations and continually thinking..."wow I am here this year" I could've been gone. Adam could've been having Christmas without me, and my friends and family would just move on as we do after one passes. I got it, and will always live by it. Cancer taught me this. I am grateful to be alive. I want more time to spend with family and friernds and I want to continue to see the beauty that is out there despite the bickering amongst each other;and the senseless killings and the cancer that still takes others. I want to give back what was given to me. I sat with my friend Carla while she went through her chemo treatments and now my friend Diane faces her cancer. I have signed up to take her to appointments and visit her at her house. I never would've done this had I not had cancer. it changes one, it changes us in a good way...I am so very grateful. Thank you God for my life today, yesterday and tomorrow. Merry Christmas.

My Mom title is not what it use to be

I am sitting here on a Friday night, and just finished listening to Phoebe Snow sing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" on my YouTube ....and I realized while hearing those beautiful lyrics I miss my son terribly. I haven't felt the need to tell anybody, I haven't spent time with the feeling, but there it was right there in front of me. Adam has moved on, I did my job, and I am feeling it. The Empty Nest. How can this not be expected? Imagine for 19 years my life revolved around this person, I scheduled my career around his life so I could be more involved than not-but knew the importance of having a career so he could learn the value of his Mom, or any woman, should have a balanced life. He saw how much I loved Radio broadcasting, he watched me weep when I was let go of the many;gigs and he watched me move forward when I knew I should, to train for voice overs. He saw me fight my 2 cancers, he saw me furious with his father, he saw me value my friendships with my girlfriends, he saw it all...and now he moves on to discover his own independent world and here I am on a Friday night reflecting on all of it.I have to redefine my position now, I have to feel okay with where I am, for the time being. I am really feeling the unsettled feeling I am not comfortable with. My Mom title is not what it use to be.......:(

The Annual test is still a biggie

I am home and done! The annual colonoscopy. The finder of my colon cancer 2 years ago at this exact time. Anyone who has had a cancer diagnosis knows those annual tests stir up amazing thoughts. It was the weeks of procrastinating of making the dreaded appointment. Then picking up the dreaded solution to consume for a day. Everytime I would pass bythe huge plastic container with it's powder inside,;sitting on the shelf, I would curse it. The intermittant thoughts of "why should I do this every year?!" Then the realistic thoughts, "oh that's right I have a DNA gene, a syndrome, Lynch Syndrome, to be exact, that predisposes me to cancer. I have to".
Then it's lining up a ride. I didn't want to inconvenience anyone, afterall the Doctors office is 10 miles away...so I drove myself, but asked my dear brother Marty to pick me up when I was done with the procedure. I'd figure out how to get;my car back, that was the least of my worries today. I couldn't possibly have arrived exactly on time. Procrastination set in again. 5 minutes late---not bad. I text my friend Marcia and ask her to keep her fingers crossed for me. The nurses recognize me, because;I am their annual. I don my attractive surgery gown....and lay there and wait. I seemed more relaxed, yet it certainly crossed my mind..if they find a large polyp I'm not going through it all again. I kept thinking in 30 minutes the Surgeon will be at my bedside telling me the news. I was starting to realize what I will hear will dictate my day today. As they roll me into the procedure room, it all comes back....the machines beeping, the screens, the lights, the clip on my finger and the O2 mask over my nose. My only question was..."will you be giving me the same drug as last year? I don't want to feel a thing" I'm warned of the possible side effects, they insert the drug into my IV and I am out. As I lay in the recovery room I knew anytime the Doctor will stand next to me bedside and tell me the findings. There he was......"Everything looked great, I found nothing" High Five and right then Marty walked in to hear the news. His smile said it all. I am relieved. I am at home and ready to open the microphone, and move forward. There's no sense sitting around dwelling over it, I am clear and all is well. Thank you God for my life today!!!!

Awaiting those annual cancer screening tests

So I am currently in contact with 2 girlfriends who have their annual tests coming up. Cancer survivors, like me. Cindy had uterine cancer and she is in for her MRI, Gloria had breast cancer and she is waiting for her mamogram results. My childhood friend Carla is going through treatment now for stomach cancer, my colleague Fred is writing a book about his cancer, and Me. I am ready to do my annual colonoscopy. I had the pap, and it was clear, had the mammogram and it was clear, but now the other. I picked up the concoction today...argh. The dreaded cleanser....so sickening, but it has to be done. The end of the month. Now;I sit around and wonder who I can ask to bring me or pick me up...I don't want to bother anyone I just want to get it done. Maybe I can drive myself and sneek out of there somehow...they won't let me do that. So I will proceed on and carry on with my daily duties...my voice overs. I have been steadily working on my freelance gigs. Auditioning for my Agent and haven't landed anything. It gets so damn discouraging, but then I have to stop the mind chatter and be grateful for the gigs I am doing, and I am, so I am not even going there with my Agent. I thank God I am doing what I love everyday.;It keeps my mind off the crazy stuff...within 3 days our son, our only child, my dear Adam,;moves into his college dorm. He aspires to play Football, Professionally. I, in no way, discourage him. Reach for the stars like me, like his dad...he's a kid with dreams and visions of playing for years. I am so excited for him, and now there's the realization we have done a huge part of our job as parents. The realization is bittersweet. He doesn't even know, as he is out everynight with his friends, his Mom is thinking about it all. Thinking about the job I did as a Mom, thinking about landing more voice over gigs, thinking about my upcoming test. Prayer Time.

Voicing Away

Voicing away and going on with my life, but......the annual appointments come up this month. Monday it's mamogram and at the end of the month the colonoscopy. Thank God I don't have to have the endoscopy. They tell me every other year, so i wilI have to write on my calendar in December to remind myself of the Endo next August. The downfall of having gone through cancer is the anxious feelings one goes through when they have to go for annual tests...a well deserved cocktail will be ordered as I get through each one! Damn I hate them, I am counting the days as to when Adam leaves for college. We will drive down with him to check him in...it is a very bittersweet milestone for parents. Hard to believe it is that time. He went through so much in his life for his 18 years on this planet.I pray he makes all the right choices and uses this time to it's full advantage to excel in his life. I pray for only the best for him, and hope he finds his passion in life like I found mine.I love what I do for a line of work. I passionately love it. I plan to buckle down and start marketing the hell out of my voice over craft and bring more voicing opportunities into my life. Things will change around here. Jeff and I will reinvent our marriage, and who knows what will come out of that effort.It's all so unpredictable.....;everything is a mystery now.

The Eye Doctor has Eye Cancer The eye doctor has colon cancer

My eye doctor was on leave for a year.....and he came back. On my routine appointment I told him I was worried about him as I knew he was having eye issues. He tells me it was cancer behind his eye socket. An eye doctor with eye cancer?!What the hell is that about? I tell him about my uterine and colon cancer. We talked far beynd my eye appointment time. He was in disbelief. He tells me his friend and fellow eye doctor in town is battling colon cancer now. I knew what I needed to do....It's all so baffling to me. I knew where his office was, I knew the next time I popped in for my treat of a coffeeshop coffee I would walk by his office. I did. I popped my head in and asked him if he was the Eye Doctor. He was a bit guarded and answered yes. I could not say nothing...and said..."I am a Doctor Chan patient and heard of your health struggles, how you doing?".....He came out from behind the reception area window and sat in the waiting room and we talked and shared our story. He was an incredibly humble man. He went through it alone-no wife, no family, didn't even tell his aging Mom. It was incredible. He has a bag...for the rest of his life...what am i doing whining? I whine over my numb fingers, toes, feet and calves...yet he has a bag. I would be mortified. My learning never stops from this disease...never stops. I hope to visit him again and not make that one visit the only visit...they have to find a cure for this cancer...I have to make my annual appointment and I am thinking more and more I need to make Adam an appointment. That one scares the hell out of me......damn it scares me so deeply!

The Walk

I took a power walk up the steep hill behind my house;this;morning. Beautiful time of day to do it. Strapped on my earplugs switched on the IPOD and started the trek. The tingling in my feet and calves just has to subside. It just is not fair. How many times in my life have I said that statement?...it's just not fair. Maybe this is the lesson all along-there are too many more to learn, but maybe it is one of my main lessons because I find myself saying it so often. I think it is one of the simpler ones, but that isn't where I go when the event occurs...I go to anger, and rant and try to convince whoever is in my line of fire I am mad and I am not going to take it anymore....but it's a waste of time I guess.A total waste of precious time. If I could only surface the statement...LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS FAIR...before going anywhere else in my head, all would be calm...who can even do that? That is a skill that one has to learn as a child, there is no other time to learn it. So my feet and calves hurt like hell, they tingle day and night and I have to walk with them everyday...oh well, at least I am not hooked up to some gross IV getting the chemo causing the sensation anymore, so! The hell with it all....... life it not fair.

Do what you love and the Money will follow

I love that saying, "do what you love and the money will follow" As I wind down the last 6 weeks our only son will be with us before heading off to college I can only hope I have conveyed that message to him as he finds his passions in life. I love doing voice overs...I have great;income days and I have slow;income days-but I am doing what I love. I feel damn lucky to be doing this. Doing what I loved got me through my chemotherapy while battling colon cancer. So many days I was dragging, and feeling my lowest of low because of my health situation but there I was standing in front of my microphone performing my craft.;It couldn't be better. It's what got me through my days. I remember feeling so weak, barely able to speak and receiving a call from a Producer asking me to pick up a script so that I could do his next gig. Had he any idea how weak I was, I think he would've been flabberghasted..but he sustained me, the project sustained me, doing what I love sustained me. So as Adam embarks on his college adventure I can only;pray he pays close attention to what he loves and go for it. The money will follow....and the passion will always be there.

Celebration of Life

I attended the American Cancer Society Celebration of Life tonight.;It was my 2nd time. The speakers were great, Oncologist, Nutritionist, Therapist and Hope Hospice Chaplain...last year I was only 3 months out of chemo with a first time clear CT scan, this year I am one year out of chemo with another CT scan that was clear. I am celebrating life and I hope to celebrate many more. Theydid the birthday countdown...have everyone stand in the room and then ask, who is cancer free less than a year, a full year, and so on and so on...then we sit down when our anniversary date of survival is acknowledged...and believe it or not there was a woman with 50 years of being cancer free... There is hope! There are survivors celebrating their lives more and more.It is truly amazing, and it takes the focus off the disease and turns it on those surviving. But I hold my breath each year to get past those tests. I can only take care of myself nutritionally, physically and spiritually. I learned more tonight and realized I cannot be lazy, I must stay mindful on what my body went through, and take care of Me...I feel as though I need to turn over a new leaf again...I need to celebrate everyday I am a cancer survivor...Praise God.....and to top the evening, I booked a voice over I pitched for....I am so grateful.

My Visits to Carla

So Adam graduated from high school last Friday, and we had a terrific party in our backyard on Sunday and now we are getting ready to start the college check off list....all part of life, all part of raising a child...and then there is all the other stuff in life...Success, failure, births, deaths, heartbreaks, love and Cancer. I visited Carla today at her chemo infusion appointment. Only my own cancer taught me this. I arrived and we laughed and talked and shared the journey. She expressed all the things I did...her fears, and ports, appetite changes,and hair falling out, waiting to end all the treatments so she can get back to normalcy...she asked me how soon after the chemo stopped did I feel good. it was great to reflect on that one...I was able to say, "almost immediately" How incredibly terific is that?!I do remember daily things were changing for the better. It was a blessing, and truly a gift from God. She is so sweet and has such a good attitude...but people said that about Me. What people don't know are the racing thoughts throughout the day or in the middle of the night laying in bed staring at the ceiling. It is all consuming....but all one can do is to love on the cancer patient, and let them talk and laugh and try to push through it all. Carla will push through. She is so vibrant and beautiful, I see no other ending for her story. I learn something from Carla everytime I see her. it is good for me to continue the visits. I'll be back to sit chairside in a few weeks and I can't wait to do it again. Thank you God for my life today, thank you God for Carla's life today.

We seem to understand more

Cancer patients seem to understand more...I have had 2 friends diagnosed with cancer and in the past 2 months one began her chemo for her stomach cancer and the other one lived only 21 days after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer...I immediately reached out. Sweet Carla, my childhood friend. Only God knew to have me out of the blue call her...and upon asking how are you she takes that deep breath and says "well I have stomach cancer"...I went into the mode. I understood what was up ahead for her,started telling her some good items to have around, and offered to sit with her during chemo infusion. She drives to Walnut Creek Kaiser from her home in St Helena! Her husband can only take so much and I knew...so I releived him one day and there I sat, watching the nurses chatting near her discussing what drugs she already had pumped into her body and which ones were waiting their turn...watching Carla be forgetful mid sentence-that's called chemo brain..I know that one all too well...and when she got up to go to the bathroom and rolled all her meds in their bags hung over the walker-I remembered it all again..The picture planted in my mind, was her turning around and looking at me as I was leaving and say so sincerely "thank you for coming to visit today". It just hit me. Stupid, nasty, awful cancer. And then there is Jeri. An incredibly bright ray of sunshine. Never married, was a Principal to Adam all during his elementary school years. I can still see her riding the donkeys in the gym for donkey basketball, and just laughing hysterically.The kids were her kids. They pulled the usual corporate bullcrap and demoted her to Kindergarten teaching. I visited her in her classroom, and saw how tired she was with the adjustment..but I related because of all my insane radio firings. I know what it feels like to be blindsided...and then received the school email saying they were making her Director of the Pre School. I emailed her as soon as I saw it and referred to her as "Girlfriend you so deserve this"...It was perfect, she now could be with the kids and back to administrative. She loved my note...but then May 8th the blanket email with her pancreatic cancer diagnosis. I was sickenend and so very sad. The Caring Bridge site was developed for her and I began witing her.A Godly woman with prayers all the time sent to her-but I somehow felt these people just didn't understand what was going on in her mind...and i addressed it in the lightest way writing all the time. But to hear she lost the battle in only 21 days I was shocked and so saddened. Numb by the news of cancer killing another person. It just is mind boggling. So Monday is jeris Memorial Service at the school and I will contact Carla to sit with her again, and I close with the disbelief that this disease has taken another one of my friends....somehow I can understand them so well.

The annual CT Scan

As I mix up the solution with the 16 ounces of water I think over and over again..."wow who would've thought"...It is the annual CT scan to make sure that nasty Cancer is nowhere to be seen in my body.When I finished all the chemo treatments last year, 2 months afterwards I had the scan and I thought over and over again ..."it damn well better be gone out of my body after enduring that chemical for 6 months". The havoc that chemo does to a body is just insane. You go from one side effect to the next...dry lips, dry skin, hair falling out, eye lashes falling out, no appetite, weight loss, and extreme fatigue, just feeling like hell...They have to come up with a cure for this crazy disease.
So I will drink another 16 ounces before I leave the house then they put me in the tube....I've been in the tube before...I can't remember which time, the first scan after the diagnosis or the scan after treatment ended. I remember the machine turning on and me slowly being sent through with tears streaming down my face, dripping onto the table, all the while thinking "what the hell am I doing here for this?!" So it is my annual, and I have to make the 5 years and then I guess I am free...but in the back of my mind I remember I have that DNA gene that Stanford research found "Lynch Syndrome" that predisposes me to cancers.....but I won't let it win, not ever.
So it's time to get ready, and I will not only think of what is ahead for me this morning, but think of my sweet childhood friend Cartla who gets hooked up today for her first 5 hour infusion for her cancer and really think SHE is the one who needs prayer and support. She doesn't deserve this, nobody deserves Cancer, it is unnecessary and needs to be cured.

Solace Yoga Studio VO

Love doing my voice overs, especially when it's about good things like healing our bodies. I just had to post this commercial I did. It reminds me of what voice overs did for me while going through chemo-it kept me sane and feeling like I was living, and it is my passion that keeps me going today. Be grateful for each day we are alive, because you never know when your life will take a dramatic twist.

Imagine

Wishing, hoping , feeling desperate, apparantly is not the way to get what I want.....Imagining me having it is the way to do it. Wayne Dyer...the guru on creating a wonderful life says that. He is right. I send off my voice over auditions with this pleading attitude..."please let me get it"...not the right way. According to Dyer and according to my wonderful cancer surviving friend...Julia. She busted me on it when we were wrapped up in one of our long winded philosophical conversations while drinking cocktails and listening to music in her front room...ha. It's our usual way of tackling the world.So I must change my thinking.....and trust God has me right where he wants me.  By believing I have it is really the type of woman he wants me to be anyway...faithful, positive, not panicked.  Sounds so easy, it's a matter of changing the old way of operating and consciously telling myself it is the way God wants me to behave...so I try once again....I completed quite a few voice overs today, did a great job on them, am grateful, and now I take it in...Imagine myself booking more......

Grateful for my craft

If there is one thing that keeps my sanity in this insane world of mine...it's my voice overs. I am so grateful I found my passion in life. I know how lucky I am..I know everyday when I get up in the morning, get Adam off to school, have my solitude and have my breakfast with the sweet aroma of my coffee brewing and me waiiting for the emailed scripts to arrive. Damn I am lucky. I forget about my chemo nueropathy, I forget about the cancer journey I had, I forget that our son will be leaving soon to go to college and I forget that I am not all that happy in my marriage. It pays to do what you love for work. It doesn't feel like work...I produced so many voice overs today...I am ultimately grateful to God that he lead me here.
All the f-upped Radio PDs that smirked when they let me go, and made me cry the whole way home, and for days afterwards. I spent weeks questioning who I was, and if I am worth anything outside Radio...those Radio blind sides by those Program Directors opened the door for me to be here...right here sitting in my home studio producing voice overs...I am blown away. I am grateful..... Thank you God for my life today!!!

Anniversary Dates...what's with March?

Incredibly strange...People always reflect on anniversary dates...births, romantic dates ,weddings, surgeries, deaths...we all do the "one year ago today"...blah blah blah. The March month is just way too full of anniversary dates for me....one year ago in March 2011, the 23rd to be exact, was my last ounce of chemo. I took the ugly little black pump bag back. Dropped it off, and went for a martini with my friend Bobbi....I also just a few weeks ago was back at the OB-Gyn having the annual Pap done. Thank God the results were negative. There isn't an appointment I go to these days that I am not sweating test results. so here it is a year later and I reflect on the year..What a joy to say I have been off chemo for a year. There's more to this story though, because in March 2010 I was told  had uterine cancer, and in March 2009....I had a bum pap smear...and in March 1975 I hooked up ith my high school sweetheart-who in the end broke my heart into hundreds of pieces-and sadly to this day-=because March 11th at a funeral, of all places, I ran into him and completely froze. I dialogued with him for awhile after he found me on Facebook, but there at the funeral face to face with him, I couldn't stand the sight of him near me. ...What in the hell is with this? Could it just be me? Do these coincidences happen to others? Am I manifesting the month of March as bad? I have just had a light bulb moment as I write....maybe since March is symbolic of Spring and I  go into the year the same ol way I always have...maybe it's that Spring reflects new beginnings and all these events were new beginnings. Whether bad or good-it is the time of the year for Me to get it together and stop being the same ol, same ol stubborn way that I am...who knows? I just know that I have to rewrite the book and see March as my new beginning...so it goes to say tomorrow is a new day-the next minute a new minute-a chance for me to move on and embrace it all in a good way...off to do a voice over and make a few calls to generate some new work with a new attitude....I guess I can only try.....

Change the tape in my head

I know better. I know I should change the tape inside my head. I am constantly grimacing about my numb feet. It is not good. I know all that psycho babble..."positive thoughts create positive results" Complaining is not helping...but! This is just insanely unbearable...I need to find  a solution somehow, someway.It wears me out. My back hurts at the end of the day, and it just sucks....ARGH!!!!!
So what else do I know to talk about besides cancer? Voice Overs.....ah yes, my escape. Today was a good day, sent many voice overs out, nailed a killer contact at a huge corporation, wrapped up a Medical read, and tomorrow eve I teach my Voice Over class. I am pretty excited as I tweaked my Power Point presentation quite a bit with the help of my dear college bud, Jewel-a cancer survivior mind you-It will be fun to present a slick slide show finally. My original depicted my psyche: all over the place. ha! Now it is so clean and easy to follow. I have 13 students in the class,so will generate some good bucks with that headcount,and I am going to suggest I make thier future demo. I shy away from it all the time-and then i rethink my no and realize I have an ear for this...after decades in front of the mic being critiqued by every teacher under the sun, I a sure I can do this...so! I embark on the road I love most..my work. Tomorrow will be good despite....no I won't say it, tomorrow will be great! Thank you God for my life today.

Irrittable beyond belief.

I haven't felt like writing in a long time. I have avoided it because I am consumed with the discomfort. I am so irritated by this nueropathy. The feeling in my toes, feet, and calves is crazy making. My feet feel like a waded up mess of tingling nerves. I can't scrunch my toes without feeling the messed up nerves. I thought tonight how no way in hell do i want to feel these tingling sensations the rest of my life. I am too young to be dealing with this. All because of stupid ididotic chemo. I should've stopped the treatment sooner. I should've been brave and did it. I should've told the Doctor no more and quit before 12 rounds. Who the hell said 12 rounds was the magic number?
One year ago this month I will have had my last chemo infusion...March 21st to be exact... I wanted this to be over by now...I am irritable all the time. Last week end I served as an encourager for a Womens Christian retreat as a cancer survivor, and as expected I counseled 2 women.One was just raw with fear and sorrow. She couldn't shake the fear of having cancer in her body. She was wearing the usual attire...jacket and gloves and straight legged tight jeans with her short hair, and there she was with tears streaming down her face talking about her fear, and her numb fingers and feet. I put on my strong face while fighting back my own tears and could only tell her I hated it all too and to go out and find joy amidst all of this. Go do something that she loves...and her love is line dancing...so she will
get back into she said..but what more could I give her? The second woman was concerned about how she could comfort her dying sister in law. Felt awkward. I could only tell her to just do it, there is no grading system on how to comfort someone in this, as the barrage of emotions come over us like waves, so be consistent and love on her sister...it was small in comparison to the actual cancer patient and what they must endure. It was all just another reminder to me of the wrath of the disease. I can only pray for a miracle. I am coming up on my annual CT scan....God only knows what emotions that will stir up inside of me when I go.......Argh! Cancer I hate you.

Blood work

The drive to the Oncology infusion center is tomorrow for my routine blood work. When i started to blog today I thought "blood work" then I thought "the drive" then my mind began picturing "the clinic"....the smell, the people with cancer, the patients rolling their contraptions that have all their tubes hooked up to the chemo bags...I see it all. It makes me queezy. Another visit. I am almost at my year mark for being off chemo..thank God.Ugh! My friend Fred is going through his journey, my friend Gloria, hers. Nobody can embrace this if they haven't gone through it. It is baffling. Tomorrow I am going to turn in the urine sample that i shoud've done last time, but was too busy and not ready to pee anyway-now it's checking my bladder to see if all is well in there. Geez this Lynch Syndrome doesn't leave a stone unturned...stupid cancer. So my mind will chatter to itself for the next 24 hours and when it is all done tomorrow after leaving the office,  I will be happy as ever. Thank God for my life today!

How much pain can one really tolerate?

Sometimes I think this nueropathy from my chemo therapy is going to drive me nuts.I keep thinking how many more years do I want to live with this. The constant tingling of my fingers and feet and toes is unbearable at times. I think I should've stopped the damn chemo long ago, or maybe I shouldn't have even went for it. It is nuts, it is crazy making. I don't know what to do to make it all go away. To feel normal again feels so far away. I hate answering people who ask "how are you feeling?" or say "you look great!" A split second behind that question or statement is my thought of "I am in pain from this stinkin nueropathy!!!"If I can experience a miracle I would be forever grateful.I go to bed each night exhausted from dealing with the pain, and I wake up to it.Cancer you are an asshole! I will never take on chemo therapy again.

How can I keep this mad world from changing me?

This whole stage in my life has been something else....the trials and tribulations seem to be endless, if it's not cancer and my health issues, it's my marriage and raising a son or dealing with friends and family members and their differences. It is all so mad to me.Through it all, laying in bed many nights thinking about the day as I am about to shut my eyes I think to myself..how the heck did God reveal himself to Me in my day? Am I tripping over the same crap over and over and again? Usually it's a huge yes!, It's all so mad. That seems to be the solution...how the hell did God reveal himself to me. I guess its time to just let playful trust be my normal. What the hell else can I really do to get through any given day.I am so tired of letting people get the best of me in my refusal to accept their cruel behavior to get what they want in life. It's their crap. ...I swear my safe haven is my home studio-reading my scripts, acting them as good as I can and feeling satisified I got that right in my day...My story is not over I guess.

Holy Moly I can recognize a cancer patient anywhere

There I was sitting at my local breakfast shop and looked to my right and there was the man with a velvet beret on...I knew.It was confirmed when he told the waitress" I can't taste my food, I am going through chemo, and my wife was just diagnosed with breast cancer this past week, so she will probably experience the same"...I dreaded the thought of another person going through the journey. So as I am about to stand up, knowing i was going to wish him well, a woman walks by with the apparant wig. Holy moly we are everywhere! The ashy color of the skin, the hats of all styles, the wigs, the no eyelashes...stupid ass chemo and cancer!
It is so unfair.....So I talked with him, telling him I couldn't help but overhear his remark to the waitress. I told him I experienced the same-he held up the tabasco sause and said, "if I put this on food, I can taste it" I remember all too well resorting to dumping catchup on food to eat it. It is wrong, this disease.
Just a few days ago, I found out my radio colleagues boyfriend of 25 years is going through chemo and radiation and he is blogging and he is being funny about it all. He is truly amazing. Funny as hell actually...FredsHead, or something like that...Maybe I should be adding more comedy to my posts-I just don't find it funny. I spent most of my time, crying and swearing to myself each moment, I was going to lick the nasty disease. We all do it in our unique way...so now I wrap up the blog, and I am off to call my racquetball partner Gloria..she had her first dose of radiation today for breast cancer....Idiotic cancer!

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time there wasn't much to worry about. There wasn't much to be really concerned about. Once upon a time I was a little kid. And it was then that my brothers teased me horribly, and my Father was hurtful, and my Mother could only protect herself, and I went through that ugly stage, the chubby stage. I stayed in my head. I was figuring it out all by myself. Once upon a time I thought if I moved out and moved in with my love it would all get better. I graduated from college and my once upon a time love walked out.I then began my journey to figure out who I am, what did I believe in because once upon a time, I shut down.I perservered and went after my new dreams, found my passions. I found how music moved me more than anything in the world and a microphone was heaven. I weeded out the toxins. I still am. Once upon a time I got very sick. Sick with 2 cancers in my body. I was even more sick when chemo filled my veins. It was that time I questioned it all over again..Who am I? What have I done? What do I need to do. Today I am here in time. I am where I am suppose to be. Maybe I'd like to be back at Once Upon A Time, but then again, NOW is my time.

Today feels normal...Imagine that?

Normalcy...maybe I have it today. It's a choice. My day starts with the usual...Upon awakening I check in with my dreams...yes there were strange ones..me observing someone I can't understand. A Mom who is way out there according to my perception of life..but my conclusion sits well. I crunch my fingers and toes and the fingers don't feel quite as numb, the toes are unbearable...thank you damn stupid mean chemo! I throw in a quick prayer to God "You're healing my fingers, now please God, heal my feet and toes"...I jump out of bed to the unbearable pain of my feet hitting the floor-I go downstairs and turn on the computer in my home recording studio....Yes! a few voice overs and my music logs for my Internet radio show are there before my sleepy eyes...the day is good I think. I get Adam off to school, dealing with his grumpy ways, not wanting to deal with the immature kids on his campus once again...and prepare a bite to it while printing the scripts....Voice overs are done and a few words to type for the blog. The day feels normal...I will then meet up with an aspiring voice talent and discuss my journey and give him tips on how to go on his voice over journey..There is no reason to complain-I would be unappreciative if I did...and tomorrow I'll drop the $180 that I barely have and take a day long voice over class in San Francisco from one of the greats in the biz...Please God make this my BIG year...thank you for my life today, I guess I really am blessed.Imagine that.

So the new year is here...welcome 2012

I read over last years entry at this time. New Years Eve to be exact....I was in the throes of my chemotherapy. I was hating cancer. I still do. A colleague of mine just shared his story of his last days with his father who had melanoma-how he was frantic for not remembering where his car was parked while on an outing with his dying dad, and his dad was shuffeling along and stopping and smelling the roses. And he was consumed with emotions....probably mostly fear. I lived all of that. I witnessed the fear our 16 year old son had watching me writher away losing weight every day. I saw the fear on his face and sadly understood-yet I was the cancer patient-and there I was trying to enjoy each moment just like my friends Dad was doing. I remember my husband driving in the car with me after I came home from an infusion ranting about politics and spewing out awful stuff and I said aloud finally after tolerating it all in the ride home: "Can you just stop!! Can you just imagine what my world is like now? This crap is not important' He was silenced. Everybody is affected by cancer. The patient, the loved ones, the friends, the colleagues. It is just utterly insane.But today is the beginning of the new year..I don't have to go there anymore. I can set my sights foreward. Today I voiced 6 reads from my home studio. Every single time I wrapped up the read with all the editing and gave the title to the piece to send to the producer I was filled with satisfying joy. Then I got in my car and recorded in a local studio and thought the same. I am satsified. I have been forever changed by my journey. How can I complain? I am ungrateful if I do..Thank you God for my life today.