Leave it to church to put me at ease

Seems to work everytime. I rush to church, usually missing the first 15 minutes getting there just in time for the message. Not what I like to do, but Sundays are just not that easy for me to move quickly.
Once settled in, the topic seems to speak so close to home.The topic was Spiritual Urban Legends: A Valley Means A Wrong Turn" Hm-m-m....I certainly have been in a valley-but was it really a wrong turn? When I first was diagnosed with uterine cancer last year I thought...'did I deserve this because of my rotten unforgiving ways'? Deserve Cancer? As the message was explored it surfaced; not every valley is a result  of a wrong turn. Maybe I was suppose to be there. There to work it through. There to strengthen my faith. There to depend on friends and stop being "the determined to do it on my own chick".
That spiritual urban legend is a dangerous urban legend. The lessons were now about to begin with my cancer diagnosis...because it didn't stop there, 5 months later it was confirmed I now had colon cancer. Was the first to toughen me for the 2nd? Chemo was beyond anything I could have imagined. It woke me up psycologically and tore me down physically. It was my Valley...but it provided all the lessons I needed.
Yes I have slipped back into my old ways....ticked off at the ex and his stupid ass wife who broke our relationship up, angry at the radio program directors that fired me, intolerant of my husbands tuning me out.....but it takes a few seconds and I realize in my valley I learned what I was all about. So it wasn't a wrong turn, just a huge opportunity to make some changes. If I never make anymore progress in my growth-I did get that while in the valley. God intentionally brought me to that Valley. Wow Imagine that?

The procedure is all done!

The anxiety approaching the colonoscopy was like a roller coaster. Put it out of mind often by doing what I do best, stay busy. The anxiety managed to creep up as I got closer. I did my required prep, which is just awful...I started gagging on my last 8 ounces and dumped half the liquid down the sink. The hell with it I thought....Adam was sitting in the next room. I saw him just put his head down and shake it in disbelief. I told him I was okay....as the minutes were ticking away at 7am in the morning. There he was at 17 years old watching me again go through the cancer journey. Annual checks will be my journey forever now...Adam dropped me off and there I walked down the long hallway and seated myself in the waiting room. I texted my closest buds and told them where I was. I needed positive thoughts in their minds. What if? I thought. What if the news isn't good? Just how will I handle it? I can't go through it all again. I won't. As they called me back I am greeted by this great looking male nurse...oh just great! He's going to be assisting the procedure?!?!I chuckled. Got myself dressed and they started the IV. I layed there for sometime taking deep breaths trying  to calm myself, I wasn't feeling sleepy. Is my anxiety so high it's interfering with the medication? The nurse said I was ready to go in...."Wait!" I said "I am not sedated yet, I need more medicine" he laughed....they don't administer the medicine until I am in the procedure room...so there I was being rolled into the room. The medical machines and screens all around me. "This is it, this is where it was all unveiled last year" I thought. Quickly the tears started welling up in my eyes and the tears dripped down my face and neck. I am scared. The team reassured me as they explained they will spray the inside of my throat with a numbing agent so they can also do an endoscopy on me. Photos of my stomach and photos of my colon. Double whammy.The spray was mighty, I was numb almost instantly. The IV was filled with my sedative and I went out. Within 30 minutes I was back in my room and there was the Doctor telling me it looked terrific. I was more than elated. I did it. I made it, I couldn't wait to see Adam to tell him. I told him over and over again I was the happiest I have been in a long time. I called Jeff....I walked into my home office studio, checked my VO jobs and got the mic ready. Did I really just do what I did and now I am moving on with my day...? It was somewhat crazy...but that's how I seem to handle so many things, it's nuts. So now I breathe a huge sigh of relief and can be grateful once again for my life and the people who always pull for me. They just don't realize what it means to me to have their thoughts and support.It means the world, really it does.  I know I am truly blessed. The procedure is all done. Damn I am so happy.

Colonoscopy time

I am sure you can imagine the fear that is trying to desperately consume me as my first colonoscopy after last years cancer find is approaching. I am doing everything in my right mind to stay positive and trust I am clear.It is just insane how one can get so off track with fear. Adam will drive me, they will put me out and do their thing. This time I have an endoscopy-which I don't even want to address....but Lynch Syndrome DNA carriers are predisposed to uterine cancer, colon cancer and stomach cancer. So the camera goes in both ends of my body. How utterly insane is that.??!!
Thank gooodness my voice overs keep me busy and keep me feeling productive and contributing to the world...I swear it is the best thing I ever did to pursue the field. Working out of my home studio and having the time to get my health back on track is just what should be happening now in my life. My mind would be crazed without it.
I worry about Adam and the fear he must have around all this. It's just so damn unfair for a kid his age to be dealing with this. This is big-this really is big! I could not have gotten this far without faith, and the support from my friends and family. They have been my rock. Thank you God for my life today!

I locked eyes with that cancer patient

I took a deep, deep breath before going into the medical building today. I knew I would see patients-but then I remembered I go to the "other side"...so maybe I wouldn't see any. Who was I foolin...the "other side" consists of patients in treatment who are taking a breather from the tubes and the liquid chemo and visitng the Oncologist for an update on their side effects and blood tests. I stood at the reception window and looked through to the other side-there he was. A man who's skin was yellow, and his eyes beedy black and we just locked eyes. I couldn't take it. He didn't stop staring and he looked so scared. I was flooded with emotion. I wished I would've went around the desk and hugged him.....but I didn't. I sat down and waited. I felt almost guilty for being done. It was something I couldn't put my finger on. I was called back to the lab....oh no, blood drawn. I don't like it. The fear started up again. I don't like needles. They couldn't draw blood so had to turn the needle and pinch harder. I couldn't look, I survived it. My chat with the Doctor was to catch up..tell him about nueropathy, ask when I should do another CT scan, and inform him my next colonoscopy is next week...He said I looked great. Really? Really? Maybe I do.
I decided to go to the room where I was so familiar with-to say hello to Susan and Cathy-my awesome nurses who nurtured me through it all. They couldn't believe what I looked like. They said I should be a testimony. Maybe that is what I should do..I have thought about it many times. So my ride home was quiet, I stopped off and made numerous copies of my medical bills to send off to the stupid insurance company to get some money back, and came home and did what I love....my voice overs. Thank you God for my life, thank you for what I can do today.

The Oncologist visit

It's another visit to the Oncologist. I don't even rememebr why I am going today..maybe it's a periodic check. I do know it is a horrible reminder of it all. I just started thinking about what I will see while there. The patients all hooked up to their chemo cocktails, the sunken faces, the unbelievable weightloss, the nurses giving their hearts and souls, the receptionist waiting for my money. The bills are utterly rediculous. I am constantly trying to put out fires for money owed. The medical card was suspensed from the flexible spending because I paid a bill and it had some services from last year on it. I was being responsible, saw the Doctors office bill so paid it. There were no explanations as to what it was all for, I just took care of it.The flexible spending people investigate and assume I was trying to pull a fast one on them..how the hell was I suppose to know that? So they've scolded me and said I can't use the card. It's a nightmare I am trying to untangle. Hundreds of thousands of dollars billed for my cancer journey. It's horribly stressful.
So it's time to get ready and face MY reality.....a cancer survivor's reality.