Irrittable beyond belief.

I haven't felt like writing in a long time. I have avoided it because I am consumed with the discomfort. I am so irritated by this nueropathy. The feeling in my toes, feet, and calves is crazy making. My feet feel like a waded up mess of tingling nerves. I can't scrunch my toes without feeling the messed up nerves. I thought tonight how no way in hell do i want to feel these tingling sensations the rest of my life. I am too young to be dealing with this. All because of stupid ididotic chemo. I should've stopped the treatment sooner. I should've been brave and did it. I should've told the Doctor no more and quit before 12 rounds. Who the hell said 12 rounds was the magic number?
One year ago this month I will have had my last chemo infusion...March 21st to be exact... I wanted this to be over by now...I am irritable all the time. Last week end I served as an encourager for a Womens Christian retreat as a cancer survivor, and as expected I counseled 2 women.One was just raw with fear and sorrow. She couldn't shake the fear of having cancer in her body. She was wearing the usual attire...jacket and gloves and straight legged tight jeans with her short hair, and there she was with tears streaming down her face talking about her fear, and her numb fingers and feet. I put on my strong face while fighting back my own tears and could only tell her I hated it all too and to go out and find joy amidst all of this. Go do something that she loves...and her love is line dancing...so she will
get back into she said..but what more could I give her? The second woman was concerned about how she could comfort her dying sister in law. Felt awkward. I could only tell her to just do it, there is no grading system on how to comfort someone in this, as the barrage of emotions come over us like waves, so be consistent and love on her sister...it was small in comparison to the actual cancer patient and what they must endure. It was all just another reminder to me of the wrath of the disease. I can only pray for a miracle. I am coming up on my annual CT scan....God only knows what emotions that will stir up inside of me when I go.......Argh! Cancer I hate you.