Anger, so much anger

I knew it would eventually come up..there I was awakened last night at 1am to go to the bathroom, then back in bed and laying there.The anger surfaced. I am SO mad at myself for not going to get a colonoscopy when I turned 50. With my family's cancer history, why did I not? I told the nurse practioner I live a different life style than my parents, I am healthy....she would do a " I told you so" if she saw me today. I was then mad at my father, my grandfather for passing this gene down to me...Why me? Out of 4 siblings why the hell me? I do not like this..it has been a tough 7 month chemo challenge. It has been a year since I was scoped and then told 5 days later I had utereine cancer. A year of all this drama....then I am diagnosed after the first operation "cancer free" after losing my female organs...a hysterectomy. I sobbed a week later thinking my insides were gone. It was not easy to accept...I rationalized it, saying I had the child I wanted and it was done.Then to be told they found a polyp in my intestine while in surgery....I thought this will be okay..a week later they tell me it is cancerous.What the hell is God's plan? Everybody says God has this plan all wired.Why did he plan this for me? I am stumped. What the heck is going on?? Why would God want me to go through this......Today at church the most amazing message was all about money and greed, but then the pastor went over the 5 stages of loss....Denial:check, Anger:..here it is, Bargaining: oh I've done that with God, Depression: I've had my days and Acceptance...hm-m-m not there yet. There I was thinking, oh yea stage 2 I am at..the others came before the anger for some reason. What am i suppose to do with this now? Loss is hard to deal...the loss of my good health....it is extremely challenging to feel all these side effects day in and day out....Today I could barely walk around the St Paddys Day event, I started crying as we walked back to the car. I am so tired of this. I can only pray maybe Gods plan was for me to be the messenger of the importance of knowing your family history and not checking it out thoroughly, but then what comes after this? I am scared. Damn I am so scared. I need to take a ride to my ocean...my solace, my hope.