The Chemo Port will not be part of Me anymore

The drug that I want to hate and yet the drug that killed the cancer, entered my body through a port. A small device placed under my skin above my chest. It is horribly unsightly as it protrudes itself with it's bump under my skin and it's all a reminder of what I endured. I have never been able to  bring myself to even glance at it quickly in a mirror. i avoid it all costs. It has been a year since I first had it put in and tomorrow I have it removed. I have this overwhelming sadness I am feeling as I write in my blog tonight. The tears are just the tears of a very scared girl and a girl who still cannot believe she experienced cancer. The reminders of the fear I hold so deeply inside me, overwhelm me everytime I get real with it all. I don't understand why. Is it post traumatic stress? I should be happy. I should be grateful-but when I think about the many months of fear that I lived with it makes me cry. I had so many surgical procedures-I guess I am just scared again. I am trying to reach down and find joy right now but these unexplanable tears keep coming. It will be beautiful to not see the reminder anymore. I will look normal there. I won't feel the discomfort of the car seatbelt as it so often created pressure on it. I can change this reaction, I know I have the power to do it...once again I pray all goes well and the surgeon does a perfect job. I will get through this and maybe now after tomorrow I will finally feel done with all of this. My heart goes out to every cancer patient in the world right now who is scared to get their port placed, but my heart also knows the day they get their port removed they will feel overwhelmed with crazy emotions just like me......Cancer just sucks, that's all there is to it!