The Annual CT Scan and all it's emotions

I did it again today, the annual CT Scan. The big white tube, the IV in my vein and thehot solution that goes through them. The metallic taste in my mouth.The deep voiced recording that says: "Hold your Breath", the time lapse and the recorded voice again that says "Now Breathe". I didn't cry this time. When the first nasty chemo sessions were over in 2011, I layed there with tears streaming down my face. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I was told I was experiencing. It was all so surreal. Like what the hell am I doing here kind of thoughts. This year no tears, I guess it means I am moving through it. However before I left this morning for the imaging center my dear friend Carla emails me and says her CT Scan found spots and they may recommend the chemo series again. Carla, my childhood friend, who had stomach cancer. Initially thinking maybe it was an ulcer, or maybe some bug she caught while vacationing in Mexico. I visited her at a few of her chemoinfusions and we sat and laughed and shared all the fears we go through after a diagnosis of cancer. The thought of having to make that decision again sickens me. When in hell are they going to find a cure for this deadly disease?So I wait a few days, the results are mailed to my Oncologist, and I see him in a few weeks....I am letting it go. I'll pick up the phone and book my annual physical, annual mammagram and annual pap smear..oh and annual colonoscopy...more tests to endure, more mind games to get through...geez who would've thought this was part of my story...life goes on. Thank you God for my life today.

All reflective now

I celebrated my 2 years of having no chemo go through my body. I had it on the studio office calendar. March 23, 2011-the last drop went through my body.It still seems so surreal....the nerve damage is my reminder, and my vertical scar from my belly button to my bikini line....Sometimes I wonder if maybe they jumped the gun, maybe I didn't have to deal with all that BS. Maybe the Doctors are knife happy and trying to make oodles of money-it's a horrible thought-but I wonder.The polyp in my intestines wasn't that big, and how the hell do i know that the cells in my utereus were really that different. To put our trust in the Medical field is risky, a crapshoot...why they can't find a cure for this damn cancer is beyond me. I feel my obligation is to tell people about it. I am volunteering for Hope Hospice. Ihave to study about 8 hours of material, and then I can be a friendly visitor. Throughit all, that's what I got...a deep sense of compassion for the diagnosed. I so understand all the questions and fears and roller coaster of emotions that occur minute by minute.I want to tell Ellen Degeneres the Katie Courics, and other talk show hosts about it-they have a podium, they should use it. It is crazy not to get the word out. So I am beginning to set up my appointments for this year, the long list: CT Scan, Physcial, Mamogram, Pap Smear, Colonoscopy-geez it's enough to make me anxious all over again...but I have to, I'd be irresponsible if I didn't get the word out-it's what I learned in the journey.Thank you God for my life today.

Anniversary dates of our life's events

We all hold onto anniversary dates...the anniversary of someones death, the anniversary of someone who has died and their birthdate, anniversary of graduations, weddings, accomplishments. When one has had cancer there are many anniversary dates. Although I can't remember exact dates, I can remember months very well. I remember March 2010August 2010, and thedreaded colonoscopy was done....September was that surgery and the polyp was removed and cancerous, I had stage 3 colon cancer. October 2010 I began 6 months of chemotherapy. The story's I encountered each week were endless. As weak as I was, I managed to see all of Adams High School Football games, I got through Christmas, New Years and then it was January 2011. 2 years ago at this time, another anniversary. Although this anniversary date I proudly have transferred from one year to the next on my calendar. January 28th. I have chased Boz Scaggs in concert for 30 years. I have seen him everywhere: Berkeley, Oakland, San Jose,Tahoe, Saratoga, San Francisco and in every venue imaginable. The classic story was I rode in an elevator with him at the Saratoga Inn and froze, and made it to my hotel room only to insanely start jumping on the bed calling anybody who would listen to me tell them what i had just done. Then 6 months after that,;my other Boz groupie friend muscled us back stage at the GAMH, and I shook his hand and told him how much I loved his Blues work, oh and how could I ever forget, a week after I was blind sided from my on air gig at;KKSF, I was in Don Pedro's restaurant accross from Slims and there was Boz at the bar....my astonishing words to him then?..."oh my gosh, I love you";But getting back to January 28th 2011......my Boz groupie friend, Erin, insisted I see Boz at the Uptown Theatre in Napa. It was Boz's backyard she said, he'd be in great spirits, and at this point in my Boz career, we now were friends with Monet, his back up singer. So Erin did her work and I drove all the way up to Napa. At that point I was half way through my chemo therapy. I was skinny, my hair was thin, my eye lashes gone, I was starting to not eat, I was cold all the time, but I knew this was the medicine my cancer;needed. So with excitement and Boz tunes blaring inErin's Mercedes we went to the show.;Boz was fabulous. He looked older, as expected, he was calm and he melted my heart just as he always had done.I didn't want the night to end, I wanted to forget where I was at in my life, I wanted the nightmare of cancer to go away. The;concert ended, and Monet nodded to Erin to come up, so we did. Within moments on that January 28th, 2011 evening Boz walked out and came up to me, and posed for a photo. There I was, with Boz, and under the circumstances that I was. He had no idea this date was so important to me...he never will know wht he did for me. Maybe he was the reason I kept fighting, who knows, but January 28th , will be transferred to every calendar that I am still alive.It is an anniversary date I will hold onto forever.....and so the months continueed and by March 2011, a yea from the first cancer diagnosis, I was done with that stinkin crappy chemo...so that March anniversary will be coming up...but today I am going to relish in th afterglow of January 28th, I am going to post hat photo, and go find one of my favorite Boz tunes, and thank God I'm alive to reminisce on it all.

Feeling grateful to be alive this year

Last year at this time I was 6 months out of chemotherapy treatments. I sincerely think I was still operating in the fright stage. Glad the chemo was over but deeply traumatized by the journey. I just moved through it. I think I was experiencing PTSD. Post traumatic stress disorder. I was anxious. I could close my eyes and feel the emotion of fear and the other feelings I had for a year, many times reducing me to tears...but this year it is different. I drive around town with my to do list for my Christmas gifts. Making all those photo calendars for friends and family, creating memories for them and creating warm smiles for me. As I drove many times in the past few weeks, I would suddenly think...wow I am here this year. I would have this child like warmth come over me,; excited that it's Christmas and loving all the decorations and continually thinking..."wow I am here this year" I could've been gone. Adam could've been having Christmas without me, and my friends and family would just move on as we do after one passes. I got it, and will always live by it. Cancer taught me this. I am grateful to be alive. I want more time to spend with family and friernds and I want to continue to see the beauty that is out there despite the bickering amongst each other;and the senseless killings and the cancer that still takes others. I want to give back what was given to me. I sat with my friend Carla while she went through her chemo treatments and now my friend Diane faces her cancer. I have signed up to take her to appointments and visit her at her house. I never would've done this had I not had cancer. it changes one, it changes us in a good way...I am so very grateful. Thank you God for my life today, yesterday and tomorrow. Merry Christmas.

My Mom title is not what it use to be

I am sitting here on a Friday night, and just finished listening to Phoebe Snow sing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" on my YouTube ....and I realized while hearing those beautiful lyrics I miss my son terribly. I haven't felt the need to tell anybody, I haven't spent time with the feeling, but there it was right there in front of me. Adam has moved on, I did my job, and I am feeling it. The Empty Nest. How can this not be expected? Imagine for 19 years my life revolved around this person, I scheduled my career around his life so I could be more involved than not-but knew the importance of having a career so he could learn the value of his Mom, or any woman, should have a balanced life. He saw how much I loved Radio broadcasting, he watched me weep when I was let go of the many;gigs and he watched me move forward when I knew I should, to train for voice overs. He saw me fight my 2 cancers, he saw me furious with his father, he saw me value my friendships with my girlfriends, he saw it all...and now he moves on to discover his own independent world and here I am on a Friday night reflecting on all of it.I have to redefine my position now, I have to feel okay with where I am, for the time being. I am really feeling the unsettled feeling I am not comfortable with. My Mom title is not what it use to be.......:(

The Annual test is still a biggie

I am home and done! The annual colonoscopy. The finder of my colon cancer 2 years ago at this exact time. Anyone who has had a cancer diagnosis knows those annual tests stir up amazing thoughts. It was the weeks of procrastinating of making the dreaded appointment. Then picking up the dreaded solution to consume for a day. Everytime I would pass bythe huge plastic container with it's powder inside,;sitting on the shelf, I would curse it. The intermittant thoughts of "why should I do this every year?!" Then the realistic thoughts, "oh that's right I have a DNA gene, a syndrome, Lynch Syndrome, to be exact, that predisposes me to cancer. I have to".
Then it's lining up a ride. I didn't want to inconvenience anyone, afterall the Doctors office is 10 miles away...so I drove myself, but asked my dear brother Marty to pick me up when I was done with the procedure. I'd figure out how to get;my car back, that was the least of my worries today. I couldn't possibly have arrived exactly on time. Procrastination set in again. 5 minutes late---not bad. I text my friend Marcia and ask her to keep her fingers crossed for me. The nurses recognize me, because;I am their annual. I don my attractive surgery gown....and lay there and wait. I seemed more relaxed, yet it certainly crossed my mind..if they find a large polyp I'm not going through it all again. I kept thinking in 30 minutes the Surgeon will be at my bedside telling me the news. I was starting to realize what I will hear will dictate my day today. As they roll me into the procedure room, it all comes back....the machines beeping, the screens, the lights, the clip on my finger and the O2 mask over my nose. My only question was..."will you be giving me the same drug as last year? I don't want to feel a thing" I'm warned of the possible side effects, they insert the drug into my IV and I am out. As I lay in the recovery room I knew anytime the Doctor will stand next to me bedside and tell me the findings. There he was......"Everything looked great, I found nothing" High Five and right then Marty walked in to hear the news. His smile said it all. I am relieved. I am at home and ready to open the microphone, and move forward. There's no sense sitting around dwelling over it, I am clear and all is well. Thank you God for my life today!!!!

Awaiting those annual cancer screening tests

So I am currently in contact with 2 girlfriends who have their annual tests coming up. Cancer survivors, like me. Cindy had uterine cancer and she is in for her MRI, Gloria had breast cancer and she is waiting for her mamogram results. My childhood friend Carla is going through treatment now for stomach cancer, my colleague Fred is writing a book about his cancer, and Me. I am ready to do my annual colonoscopy. I had the pap, and it was clear, had the mammogram and it was clear, but now the other. I picked up the concoction today...argh. The dreaded cleanser....so sickening, but it has to be done. The end of the month. Now;I sit around and wonder who I can ask to bring me or pick me up...I don't want to bother anyone I just want to get it done. Maybe I can drive myself and sneek out of there somehow...they won't let me do that. So I will proceed on and carry on with my daily duties...my voice overs. I have been steadily working on my freelance gigs. Auditioning for my Agent and haven't landed anything. It gets so damn discouraging, but then I have to stop the mind chatter and be grateful for the gigs I am doing, and I am, so I am not even going there with my Agent. I thank God I am doing what I love everyday.;It keeps my mind off the crazy stuff...within 3 days our son, our only child, my dear Adam,;moves into his college dorm. He aspires to play Football, Professionally. I, in no way, discourage him. Reach for the stars like me, like his dad...he's a kid with dreams and visions of playing for years. I am so excited for him, and now there's the realization we have done a huge part of our job as parents. The realization is bittersweet. He doesn't even know, as he is out everynight with his friends, his Mom is thinking about it all. Thinking about the job I did as a Mom, thinking about landing more voice over gigs, thinking about my upcoming test. Prayer Time.