Life is always a book just chapter after chapter

It's been a year since I have blogged. I love writing so I am quite surprised at myself for not writing sooner. It is time, as there is a brand new chapter unfolding. After 7 years the mountain home has been sold. It was sold in 15 days. With a 30 day free rent back the scramble has been beyond stressful. It's been simmering for a few years now. The husband unhappy with the effects of the 4300 foot Sierra mountains altitude affecting his lungs finally took it's toll. He wanted out. My future with some very big decisions were staring me in the eyes.Bringing him back to the condo fulltime as that is my sanctuary, my happy place and definitely and not his, I couldn't bear to have it tainted again. We landed there after our Bay Area Dublin home sold 8 years ago and he was not a happy camper. To be honest, he really hasn't been happy many places. That is his story, not mine. With travels to Lake Wildwood visiting longtime friends, meeting new ones and discovering long lost friends living in these beauitful hills, we have taken the plunge. It's lakefront. Bigger than what we actually need, but we need a reprieve. I need a reprieve, so we jumped in with both feet. Purged a lot, and put into storage just enough to start small sometime down the line. With our vehicles filled to the brim with clothes, shoes, important paperwork and toiletries we have settled in for 9 straight months. Call it crazy. Call it a waste of money, but whatever you want to call it...why the hell not, I ask? As I sit here in front of the keyboard looking out my office window facing a lake with unique homes scattered along the shoreline I am overwhelmed. I paddled on my kayak earlier with my son Adam on his stand up paddle talking as we floated across the gentle ripples. I felt my peace again. A butterfly found me and hovered over me and I knew it was LugNut. My beloved boy who I cherished and felt the safest love ever with. it was LugNut! It was my chunky monkey telling me "Mom I am okay and you made thre right decision" I will forever miss that boy that completed my last chapter. So onto my new chapter. I have profound gratitude for all behind me. I can only thank God for my life today and be okay with looking forward to the uncertainty of tomorrow.I cannot be afraid.I think I can do this. I have to, afterall I am writing the book.

The annual Colonoscopy STILL causes angst

You'd think after 15 years of having to have an annual Colonoscopy it would become a piece of cake. Not for this girl. The trauma of a Cancer diagnosis is a whirlwind, a game changer, a mind fuck. Ontop of it, I have Lynch Syndrome. A positive DNA predisposing Me to Colon Cancer, Uterine Cancer, and Stomach Cancer. This visit was the double whammy. I had an Endoscopy and a Colonoscopy. From the consultation weeks ago to the long drive down the hill today I was in my head. Nervous. My mind thinking crazy things: hmmm why all of a sudden my 2 nephews are coming from the East Coast to visit for the holidays, why I finally went on the Alaska cruise I had on my bucket list, why I was finally inducted into the Bay Area Radio Hall of Fame and why My beloved best fur baby ever my Olde English Bulldog, LugNut, passed 4 months ago after 12 beautiful years.The mind ran all those thoughts. As I layed there today I didn't cry like before.I decided to clutch the small picture of my LugNut explaining to the Nurse I wasn't a crazy dog lady, I just needed my angel with Me. For some reason I thought having LugNut there would help Me. When I was wheeled into the surgery room and saw the team going over the notes again aloud so they all agree I knew any moment when I went out I would wake up to the results I would have to process no matter what they were. When I awoke there beside my bed was the Nurse and Dr House. I opened my eyes to a smile from both of them and those technical medical photographs of my insides being held by the Doctor. "There were zero polyps this time, Everything looks great" I was in disbeleif. I felt the lump in my throat, but I didn't cry. I just said "Thank You" I grappled with my life again. I thought over and over again I have to let things go, I have to stay away from negativity, I have to only be with authentic people. I have another chance to claim a seat at the table of life. Thank You God for my life today.

National Colon Cancer Day March 3rd

Been quite some time since I have blogged. Saw the date on my iphone calendar "National Colon Cancer Day March 3rd". I guess I put it in my phone to remind Me. Looking at it, I am flooded with different thoughts. Something to acknowledge, something I'd like to forget. A diagnosis that rocked my whole world. A diagnosis that changed my life forever. Since 2010 I am still navigating this disease.I had a reoccurance in 2020, thank GOD no lymph nodes that time around were involved. The side effects of numb feet and calves, fingers and a permanantly swollen left leg due to lymph nodes removal and chemo infusions all still prevail. The effect it had on my son breaks my heart still.I have lost many to cancer, and I know a few right now who are battling the beast that it is. Their diagnosis always spins Me. Anger, Compassion, Guilt for living, Wanting to scream about it. The emotion feels like a bubbling wave of energy inside Me. Sometimes I seriously want to end it all.It truly is crazy making. Why in the hell they have not found a cure for all cancers is sickening to Me. I think there is, I think there is a disturbing reason why they don't. It's moments like these that it is imperative for Me to shut off the mind chatter, stop the blog writing and distract until I can shake the thoughts. I have opened a can of worms in my mind right now. March 3rd will haunt Me all day,I am overwhelmed with sadness for those who I know who are battling the disease now. I have to only do one thing. Practice the mantra I recited every morning and night while going through chemotherapy: Thank you God for my life today.

The Valentines Day Reality after so many years

Let's face it Valentines Day has its ebbs and tides.Three decades ago the long sought after perfect romantic cards were exchanged, the date night was carefully planned and always filled with excitement and sentiments.After about 5 years the romantic cards turned to funny cards because the mushy words just didn't fit my marriage narrative.Funny cards were easier to explain the reality.Then the cards dropped off, the gifts stopped and maybe there was a dinner out because after all who wants to cook on Valentines Day? It's not as special as it use to be, it's done because it's the right thing to do, but the relationship in reality is defined as "complicated" or better yet a "sick click". Yes my 10 year old son blurted out in a car ride one day "Mom, you and Dad have a sick click"..."What?!" "Well you click, but it's kind of sick"...the reality is: he nailed it.So as the years move forward and the ebbs and tides of the marriage now include radio job losses, several cancer diagnosis', moves, adjustments to the empty nest and a new reality, we have a new Valentines Day.Our biggest passions aren't necessarily each other but our chosen lines of work which we both love, our travels, our times with special friends. So in reflectiing on the years I remember a very special night as newly weds which brought up the sweet memories that back then were so easy to create. It was a listener Valentines cruise presented by KABL, my then Radio gig aboard the SF Spirit, a stunning 150 foot vessel built in 1991. We dressed up in our best while having the coolest Valentine date night. It's a memory with a wonderful photograph.So today, to say I found a sweet sought after Valentines Day card with words that defined us today from my hubs and a Spa certificate on the counter top and Me giving him a box of chocolate covered strawberries, I saw the full circle.It's a realistic Valentines Day .Still crazy after all these years we did it.It was a sweet Valentines Day as simple as it was, and I kind of like it this way.

Annual Colonoscopy for a Colon Cancer Survivor

I guess it doesn't help that I have a large amount of anxiety around my Cancer. There are so many so much braver, are living with a colostomy bag and many who have lost the fight. I am living, I have no bag, and I am a baby.I dreaded today. I was behind in my annual Colonoscopy procedure. Procrastination, my former surgeon on a sabbatical, and finding a GI Surgeon close to home. I am suppose to have a Colonoscopy every year, and every other year an Endoscopy. The appointment where they go at Me on both ends. This was my appointment today. I have been a bundle of nerves for weeks.I found my new surgeon, had my Facetime appointment, and added it to my calendar. So today there I was...in a new facility, with a new surgeon and the year of the "double treatment". Lord knows I got through the prep, but the 1 hour drive to the new Surgeon was nerve wracking. I didn't say much on the ride just tried to stop the chatter in my brain. My son Adam checked in as I finally told him 2 days ago I was going in. he told me I need to work on the anxiety. HA! Easier said than done. Crazy thoughts passed through my mind. What if they find a polyp? What if I have to make the decision for treatment? What if it interrupts Adam's upcoming wedding? What if I'm not even here! The thoughts were rampant.The routine was the same: checking in with pages of papers to sign, then escorted to the room, then changing into the dumb oversized gown. As I settled myself on the bed and the Nurse came in to start the IV the tension grew.Questions, blood pressure, temperature and then to find the vein. My veins aren't easy, I knew when I felt her patting my arm she was having a problem. I began to breathe deeply. She tried. It didn't work. I hit my limit...I started to cry. Huge tears began pouring down my cheeks,and she apologized for hurting Me. I wasn't hurt, I was horribly scared. Through tears I told her, "My journey scares Me, you didn't hurt Me, it's all been too much for too many years" She felt so bad, and asked me to breathe deep, while we settled on my wrist. It worked! I was left to calm down. I stared at the walls. I told myself crying doesn't help and I have to get centered so I do well under anesthesia.As I met the Anesthesiologist I slowly felt better. She reassured me of the endoscopy as I told her I was afraid it would effect my speaking voice. I have voice overs to do when I get home and I booked one with my Agent, so I can't have a different voice.She rolled me into the operating room. I saw new faces in the room. A new nurse approached me and said "I am going to insert your mouth piece, this will allow for the endoscopy" I quickly looked over and heard the Anesthesiologist say, "okay, Trish here you go, sweet dreams" Upon waking back in my room there stood my surgeon, Dr Low. "Well everything went great", In my drug induced stuper all I could ask was "Any polyps?" "Absolutely none, I knew you'd be good" Suddenly everything was good, the relief was heavenly, and I could live again for another year.He found some tissue to look at in my stomach, but not of any concern, some mention of Celiac. I will deal with that and read up on it when I get home is what I thought.I was finally elated. So I did it.It is a learning process every year and every year its at a different moment that I cry.I am a baby.Annuals do a number on Me. When I got home I thanked all my prayer warriors who I reached out to. I wrap this day up with deep gratitude once again. God help everyone who goes through health issues. I understand more than you know. Thank you for my life today.

She would've been 90, but she died at 50

January 16th is a date that stops me in my tracks every year. My Moms birthday.Birthdays were a very big deal in my childhood not just for me, but for the whole family. Gifts, and a cake with ice cream, and a gathering and the infamous phonecall: "__ years ago today I brought home a little baby girl!"...and on and on and on.My Mom made a big deal about them. But her birthdays were cut short, way too short.She died at 50, from Cancer. I found my Moms gravesite just 2 months ago, after having not visited it for decades, My husband and I were in nearby Vacaville at a birthday party in Fairfield. There was no way I could be that close and not visit her gravesite. I was hell bent on finding it. After several strolls around the vicinity in which I thought she was in, I found her! It was unreal. I had some coffee in hand and sat down near her plot and sipped the rest of it. Mom loved coffee. Coffee with her girlfriends was a must each day of her living life. I never shared coffee with her when she was alive, so this coffee moment was extra special. My visit confirmed to me, I must see it again, and why not on January 16th? January 16th 2022, I packed up my car with my silly Olde English Bulldog, LugNut, a small bouquet of flowers and pine clippings from my beautiful property and we trekked to Vacaville again. I zig zagged through the cemetary as I was trying to find it quicker this time, up and down the narrow one laned roads and I finally did find her plot.I did! Unloading all that I brought, the pretty red carnation flowers and baby breaths, the cellphone, and LugNut all leashed up, we walked to her grave. There it was and there it blaringly showed she was 90. She would've been. LugNut immediately sat down with his Bulldog side saddle and sat right smack on the edge of her gravesite, turned around with that funny little lower poutted lip and looked at Me.I laughed and thought, "Gosh my Mom would've loved you LugNut" She loved cats, and horses and all types of dogs. Vacaville was where she was born and she stayed at the family Cherry Farm ranch as a child, so it all felt like home to Me. I saw a beautiful blue jay fly down to the fence and stare our way. I wondered if it was Mom maybe checking in with Me. I really didn't say much. I placed the pretty bouquet of flowers in the small vase I brought there, and placed the extra pine sprigs on her parents grave, my great great Aunt's grave and my Grampas Brother and sister in law graves. I had really only one important yet sad thing to say: "I miss you Mom". I packed up my things and slowly cruised out of the cemetary.I scrolled through my playlist in my phone and selected the Sappy Sads, and as I pulled out of the cemetary grounds I heard an old Jim Croce song, "Time In A Bottle", my Mom loved that song, and I smiled knowing I made a big thing about HER birthday today, and she deserved it. She would've been 90, but she died at 50.

3 stories of Self Care at the Rose Hotel

Plans for Christmas 2021 became increasingly stressful as we neared the day. Carefully watching the forecast of the sierra's impending snow storm began to dictate whether plans to be with our son would be feasible.My husband started his loud ranting about how our son doesn't spend time with us, how he is tired of going to other peoples homes, how he has an obligation to keep our property plowed along with the neighbors properties he felt obligated to do also.The escalation of his yelling was turning my stomach again. I wanted to see my son, I wanted to then go down to Capitola to my serenity, and then on the way home would attend my dear friends celebration of life services. I was orchestrating it all to make it work out. I was internalizing allot of jumbled up nerves. I hated where it was all going. I called my son and let him know I was worrying about the weather and played down his Fathers thoughts.My son came through with an idea...spend the night at the historic Rose Hotel on Main Street in downtown Pleasanton, attend the Christmas gathering and next day head to Capitola. I loved the idea,as it was his gift to us for Christmas. As my husband continuued to rant and then conclude the gift certificate was being spent with money we lent our son I knew this plan was going nowhere.I realized I can go solo, husband can stay home and do his plowing and receive his kudos from all the neighbors and I was going to find my peace of mind. After making sure Christmas Eve he had his favorite meal, I played the game because I knew in my mind I was about to feed my soul, and practice self care. Christmas morning I crawled out the driveway in my AWD Honda with light snow gently falling along with a huge storm pending and my favorite hand picked Christmas tunes playing through my phone. I was escaping. All I could think is :Merry Christmas to me. I stayed at the Rose Hotel decades ago, with my husband in fact. I wrote a cute story about how we had met, when the marriage was all good, and sure enough I hit the jackpot with a complimentary stay at The Rose.When I entered the hotel with my suitcase in hand and saw it was still magical. Every single corner was decorated with holiday decor, the fire was burning in the fireplace and the coincierge was so lovely. My room wasn't quite ready so I sat myself on the cozy velvet couch, sipping a delicious cup of coffee while watching the rain out the decorated windows. I was in my heaven. Moments later I saw a solo man sit down at a lobby table, open his laptop and feverishly begin typing away. He answered a few phone calls and went back to his project. I couldn't help but to at least walk by and wish him a Merry Christmas.It seemed sensible to ask "a tourist?". "No", he paused for a few seconds and said "actually I live right down the street"."oh, how nice a staycation?"I asked. "Well actually I moved out from my house, my girlfriend and I are going through something,this hotel made the most sense for me to escape to", I replied, "wow not the best time to be going through this, but if it's any consolation to you, I have a scrooge at home who pretty much dictated my outcome of staying here tonight. Besides I want to see my son, and then escape to Capitola a few days" The conversation comfortably continuued. "She doesn't know what she wants, wants to travel all the time, but I have a business to run, I can't just do that", I replied, "she sounds restless, I was married before, he left me unexpectedly and I knew right then I better travel to places I've never been to, get my career together and get myself a roof over my head, and I did,my condo that I am escaping to is just that, it's my peace of mind,it's my 401, I'm not letting anyone take that away from me""This stay here tonight is exactly what I need" Our conversation was very pleasant as we shared our personal stories. Suddenly the coincierge walked by and smiled "I couldn't help but hear your conversation, I was married before, he was an alcoholic, I had to get out. I remarried but I then knew more of what I need to stay sane in life, I stay here on weekends to do my job and then go home afterwards. it's how I keep my marriage working" We all looked at each other and laughed.There we were all finding ways to practice self care, save ourselves from the drama we signed up for in our sometimes sad lives. There really was nothing more to say to my friend, but "I hope it works out to whatever is best, Merry Christmas, and thanks so much for the chat" I checked in my room and oohed and awed all the beauty in it's 4 walls. A jacuzzi spa, luxurious bed, velvet chairs, quiet, just the gift I needed. Adam and his fiance' came and picked me up and brought me to the Christmas gathering. We laughed, we ate, we drank and exchanged gifts.I was dropped off back at The Rose Hotel and stopped in the lobby and sat by the glowing fire alone and thought about my night. I did treat myself to a wonderful gift by not letting my husbands tyrrade stop me and there I was with 2 others, all 3 of us who had found The Rose Hotel to feed our souls and practice the self care we needed for our stories. It was magical, it was wonderful because we were all blessings to each other at the beautiful magical Rose Hotel.