The annual CT Scan

As I mix up the solution with the 16 ounces of water I think over and over again..."wow who would've thought"...It is the annual CT scan to make sure that nasty Cancer is nowhere to be seen in my body.When I finished all the chemo treatments last year, 2 months afterwards I had the scan and I thought over and over again ..."it damn well better be gone out of my body after enduring that chemical for 6 months". The havoc that chemo does to a body is just insane. You go from one side effect to the next...dry lips, dry skin, hair falling out, eye lashes falling out, no appetite, weight loss, and extreme fatigue, just feeling like hell...They have to come up with a cure for this crazy disease.
So I will drink another 16 ounces before I leave the house then they put me in the tube....I've been in the tube before...I can't remember which time, the first scan after the diagnosis or the scan after treatment ended. I remember the machine turning on and me slowly being sent through with tears streaming down my face, dripping onto the table, all the while thinking "what the hell am I doing here for this?!" So it is my annual, and I have to make the 5 years and then I guess I am free...but in the back of my mind I remember I have that DNA gene that Stanford research found "Lynch Syndrome" that predisposes me to cancers.....but I won't let it win, not ever.
So it's time to get ready, and I will not only think of what is ahead for me this morning, but think of my sweet childhood friend Cartla who gets hooked up today for her first 5 hour infusion for her cancer and really think SHE is the one who needs prayer and support. She doesn't deserve this, nobody deserves Cancer, it is unnecessary and needs to be cured.

Solace Yoga Studio VO

Love doing my voice overs, especially when it's about good things like healing our bodies. I just had to post this commercial I did. It reminds me of what voice overs did for me while going through chemo-it kept me sane and feeling like I was living, and it is my passion that keeps me going today. Be grateful for each day we are alive, because you never know when your life will take a dramatic twist.

Imagine

Wishing, hoping , feeling desperate, apparantly is not the way to get what I want.....Imagining me having it is the way to do it. Wayne Dyer...the guru on creating a wonderful life says that. He is right. I send off my voice over auditions with this pleading attitude..."please let me get it"...not the right way. According to Dyer and according to my wonderful cancer surviving friend...Julia. She busted me on it when we were wrapped up in one of our long winded philosophical conversations while drinking cocktails and listening to music in her front room...ha. It's our usual way of tackling the world.So I must change my thinking.....and trust God has me right where he wants me.  By believing I have it is really the type of woman he wants me to be anyway...faithful, positive, not panicked.  Sounds so easy, it's a matter of changing the old way of operating and consciously telling myself it is the way God wants me to behave...so I try once again....I completed quite a few voice overs today, did a great job on them, am grateful, and now I take it in...Imagine myself booking more......

Grateful for my craft

If there is one thing that keeps my sanity in this insane world of mine...it's my voice overs. I am so grateful I found my passion in life. I know how lucky I am..I know everyday when I get up in the morning, get Adam off to school, have my solitude and have my breakfast with the sweet aroma of my coffee brewing and me waiiting for the emailed scripts to arrive. Damn I am lucky. I forget about my chemo nueropathy, I forget about the cancer journey I had, I forget that our son will be leaving soon to go to college and I forget that I am not all that happy in my marriage. It pays to do what you love for work. It doesn't feel like work...I produced so many voice overs today...I am ultimately grateful to God that he lead me here.
All the f-upped Radio PDs that smirked when they let me go, and made me cry the whole way home, and for days afterwards. I spent weeks questioning who I was, and if I am worth anything outside Radio...those Radio blind sides by those Program Directors opened the door for me to be here...right here sitting in my home studio producing voice overs...I am blown away. I am grateful..... Thank you God for my life today!!!

Anniversary Dates...what's with March?

Incredibly strange...People always reflect on anniversary dates...births, romantic dates ,weddings, surgeries, deaths...we all do the "one year ago today"...blah blah blah. The March month is just way too full of anniversary dates for me....one year ago in March 2011, the 23rd to be exact, was my last ounce of chemo. I took the ugly little black pump bag back. Dropped it off, and went for a martini with my friend Bobbi....I also just a few weeks ago was back at the OB-Gyn having the annual Pap done. Thank God the results were negative. There isn't an appointment I go to these days that I am not sweating test results. so here it is a year later and I reflect on the year..What a joy to say I have been off chemo for a year. There's more to this story though, because in March 2010 I was told  had uterine cancer, and in March 2009....I had a bum pap smear...and in March 1975 I hooked up ith my high school sweetheart-who in the end broke my heart into hundreds of pieces-and sadly to this day-=because March 11th at a funeral, of all places, I ran into him and completely froze. I dialogued with him for awhile after he found me on Facebook, but there at the funeral face to face with him, I couldn't stand the sight of him near me. ...What in the hell is with this? Could it just be me? Do these coincidences happen to others? Am I manifesting the month of March as bad? I have just had a light bulb moment as I write....maybe since March is symbolic of Spring and I  go into the year the same ol way I always have...maybe it's that Spring reflects new beginnings and all these events were new beginnings. Whether bad or good-it is the time of the year for Me to get it together and stop being the same ol, same ol stubborn way that I am...who knows? I just know that I have to rewrite the book and see March as my new beginning...so it goes to say tomorrow is a new day-the next minute a new minute-a chance for me to move on and embrace it all in a good way...off to do a voice over and make a few calls to generate some new work with a new attitude....I guess I can only try.....

Change the tape in my head

I know better. I know I should change the tape inside my head. I am constantly grimacing about my numb feet. It is not good. I know all that psycho babble..."positive thoughts create positive results" Complaining is not helping...but! This is just insanely unbearable...I need to find  a solution somehow, someway.It wears me out. My back hurts at the end of the day, and it just sucks....ARGH!!!!!
So what else do I know to talk about besides cancer? Voice Overs.....ah yes, my escape. Today was a good day, sent many voice overs out, nailed a killer contact at a huge corporation, wrapped up a Medical read, and tomorrow eve I teach my Voice Over class. I am pretty excited as I tweaked my Power Point presentation quite a bit with the help of my dear college bud, Jewel-a cancer survivior mind you-It will be fun to present a slick slide show finally. My original depicted my psyche: all over the place. ha! Now it is so clean and easy to follow. I have 13 students in the class,so will generate some good bucks with that headcount,and I am going to suggest I make thier future demo. I shy away from it all the time-and then i rethink my no and realize I have an ear for this...after decades in front of the mic being critiqued by every teacher under the sun, I a sure I can do this...so! I embark on the road I love most..my work. Tomorrow will be good despite....no I won't say it, tomorrow will be great! Thank you God for my life today.

Irrittable beyond belief.

I haven't felt like writing in a long time. I have avoided it because I am consumed with the discomfort. I am so irritated by this nueropathy. The feeling in my toes, feet, and calves is crazy making. My feet feel like a waded up mess of tingling nerves. I can't scrunch my toes without feeling the messed up nerves. I thought tonight how no way in hell do i want to feel these tingling sensations the rest of my life. I am too young to be dealing with this. All because of stupid ididotic chemo. I should've stopped the treatment sooner. I should've been brave and did it. I should've told the Doctor no more and quit before 12 rounds. Who the hell said 12 rounds was the magic number?
One year ago this month I will have had my last chemo infusion...March 21st to be exact... I wanted this to be over by now...I am irritable all the time. Last week end I served as an encourager for a Womens Christian retreat as a cancer survivor, and as expected I counseled 2 women.One was just raw with fear and sorrow. She couldn't shake the fear of having cancer in her body. She was wearing the usual attire...jacket and gloves and straight legged tight jeans with her short hair, and there she was with tears streaming down her face talking about her fear, and her numb fingers and feet. I put on my strong face while fighting back my own tears and could only tell her I hated it all too and to go out and find joy amidst all of this. Go do something that she loves...and her love is line dancing...so she will
get back into she said..but what more could I give her? The second woman was concerned about how she could comfort her dying sister in law. Felt awkward. I could only tell her to just do it, there is no grading system on how to comfort someone in this, as the barrage of emotions come over us like waves, so be consistent and love on her sister...it was small in comparison to the actual cancer patient and what they must endure. It was all just another reminder to me of the wrath of the disease. I can only pray for a miracle. I am coming up on my annual CT scan....God only knows what emotions that will stir up inside of me when I go.......Argh! Cancer I hate you.