My Mom title is not what it use to be

I am sitting here on a Friday night, and just finished listening to Phoebe Snow sing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" on my YouTube ....and I realized while hearing those beautiful lyrics I miss my son terribly. I haven't felt the need to tell anybody, I haven't spent time with the feeling, but there it was right there in front of me. Adam has moved on, I did my job, and I am feeling it. The Empty Nest. How can this not be expected? Imagine for 19 years my life revolved around this person, I scheduled my career around his life so I could be more involved than not-but knew the importance of having a career so he could learn the value of his Mom, or any woman, should have a balanced life. He saw how much I loved Radio broadcasting, he watched me weep when I was let go of the many;gigs and he watched me move forward when I knew I should, to train for voice overs. He saw me fight my 2 cancers, he saw me furious with his father, he saw me value my friendships with my girlfriends, he saw it all...and now he moves on to discover his own independent world and here I am on a Friday night reflecting on all of it.I have to redefine my position now, I have to feel okay with where I am, for the time being. I am really feeling the unsettled feeling I am not comfortable with. My Mom title is not what it use to be.......:(

The Annual test is still a biggie

I am home and done! The annual colonoscopy. The finder of my colon cancer 2 years ago at this exact time. Anyone who has had a cancer diagnosis knows those annual tests stir up amazing thoughts. It was the weeks of procrastinating of making the dreaded appointment. Then picking up the dreaded solution to consume for a day. Everytime I would pass bythe huge plastic container with it's powder inside,;sitting on the shelf, I would curse it. The intermittant thoughts of "why should I do this every year?!" Then the realistic thoughts, "oh that's right I have a DNA gene, a syndrome, Lynch Syndrome, to be exact, that predisposes me to cancer. I have to".
Then it's lining up a ride. I didn't want to inconvenience anyone, afterall the Doctors office is 10 miles away...so I drove myself, but asked my dear brother Marty to pick me up when I was done with the procedure. I'd figure out how to get;my car back, that was the least of my worries today. I couldn't possibly have arrived exactly on time. Procrastination set in again. 5 minutes late---not bad. I text my friend Marcia and ask her to keep her fingers crossed for me. The nurses recognize me, because;I am their annual. I don my attractive surgery gown....and lay there and wait. I seemed more relaxed, yet it certainly crossed my mind..if they find a large polyp I'm not going through it all again. I kept thinking in 30 minutes the Surgeon will be at my bedside telling me the news. I was starting to realize what I will hear will dictate my day today. As they roll me into the procedure room, it all comes back....the machines beeping, the screens, the lights, the clip on my finger and the O2 mask over my nose. My only question was..."will you be giving me the same drug as last year? I don't want to feel a thing" I'm warned of the possible side effects, they insert the drug into my IV and I am out. As I lay in the recovery room I knew anytime the Doctor will stand next to me bedside and tell me the findings. There he was......"Everything looked great, I found nothing" High Five and right then Marty walked in to hear the news. His smile said it all. I am relieved. I am at home and ready to open the microphone, and move forward. There's no sense sitting around dwelling over it, I am clear and all is well. Thank you God for my life today!!!!

Awaiting those annual cancer screening tests

So I am currently in contact with 2 girlfriends who have their annual tests coming up. Cancer survivors, like me. Cindy had uterine cancer and she is in for her MRI, Gloria had breast cancer and she is waiting for her mamogram results. My childhood friend Carla is going through treatment now for stomach cancer, my colleague Fred is writing a book about his cancer, and Me. I am ready to do my annual colonoscopy. I had the pap, and it was clear, had the mammogram and it was clear, but now the other. I picked up the concoction today...argh. The dreaded cleanser....so sickening, but it has to be done. The end of the month. Now;I sit around and wonder who I can ask to bring me or pick me up...I don't want to bother anyone I just want to get it done. Maybe I can drive myself and sneek out of there somehow...they won't let me do that. So I will proceed on and carry on with my daily duties...my voice overs. I have been steadily working on my freelance gigs. Auditioning for my Agent and haven't landed anything. It gets so damn discouraging, but then I have to stop the mind chatter and be grateful for the gigs I am doing, and I am, so I am not even going there with my Agent. I thank God I am doing what I love everyday.;It keeps my mind off the crazy stuff...within 3 days our son, our only child, my dear Adam,;moves into his college dorm. He aspires to play Football, Professionally. I, in no way, discourage him. Reach for the stars like me, like his dad...he's a kid with dreams and visions of playing for years. I am so excited for him, and now there's the realization we have done a huge part of our job as parents. The realization is bittersweet. He doesn't even know, as he is out everynight with his friends, his Mom is thinking about it all. Thinking about the job I did as a Mom, thinking about landing more voice over gigs, thinking about my upcoming test. Prayer Time.

Voicing Away

Voicing away and going on with my life, but......the annual appointments come up this month. Monday it's mamogram and at the end of the month the colonoscopy. Thank God I don't have to have the endoscopy. They tell me every other year, so i wilI have to write on my calendar in December to remind myself of the Endo next August. The downfall of having gone through cancer is the anxious feelings one goes through when they have to go for annual tests...a well deserved cocktail will be ordered as I get through each one! Damn I hate them, I am counting the days as to when Adam leaves for college. We will drive down with him to check him in...it is a very bittersweet milestone for parents. Hard to believe it is that time. He went through so much in his life for his 18 years on this planet.I pray he makes all the right choices and uses this time to it's full advantage to excel in his life. I pray for only the best for him, and hope he finds his passion in life like I found mine.I love what I do for a line of work. I passionately love it. I plan to buckle down and start marketing the hell out of my voice over craft and bring more voicing opportunities into my life. Things will change around here. Jeff and I will reinvent our marriage, and who knows what will come out of that effort.It's all so unpredictable.....;everything is a mystery now.

The Eye Doctor has Eye Cancer The eye doctor has colon cancer

My eye doctor was on leave for a year.....and he came back. On my routine appointment I told him I was worried about him as I knew he was having eye issues. He tells me it was cancer behind his eye socket. An eye doctor with eye cancer?!What the hell is that about? I tell him about my uterine and colon cancer. We talked far beynd my eye appointment time. He was in disbelief. He tells me his friend and fellow eye doctor in town is battling colon cancer now. I knew what I needed to do....It's all so baffling to me. I knew where his office was, I knew the next time I popped in for my treat of a coffeeshop coffee I would walk by his office. I did. I popped my head in and asked him if he was the Eye Doctor. He was a bit guarded and answered yes. I could not say nothing...and said..."I am a Doctor Chan patient and heard of your health struggles, how you doing?".....He came out from behind the reception area window and sat in the waiting room and we talked and shared our story. He was an incredibly humble man. He went through it alone-no wife, no family, didn't even tell his aging Mom. It was incredible. He has a bag...for the rest of his life...what am i doing whining? I whine over my numb fingers, toes, feet and calves...yet he has a bag. I would be mortified. My learning never stops from this disease...never stops. I hope to visit him again and not make that one visit the only visit...they have to find a cure for this cancer...I have to make my annual appointment and I am thinking more and more I need to make Adam an appointment. That one scares the hell out of me......damn it scares me so deeply!

The Walk

I took a power walk up the steep hill behind my house;this;morning. Beautiful time of day to do it. Strapped on my earplugs switched on the IPOD and started the trek. The tingling in my feet and calves just has to subside. It just is not fair. How many times in my life have I said that statement?...it's just not fair. Maybe this is the lesson all along-there are too many more to learn, but maybe it is one of my main lessons because I find myself saying it so often. I think it is one of the simpler ones, but that isn't where I go when the event occurs...I go to anger, and rant and try to convince whoever is in my line of fire I am mad and I am not going to take it anymore....but it's a waste of time I guess.A total waste of precious time. If I could only surface the statement...LIFE IS NOT ALWAYS FAIR...before going anywhere else in my head, all would be calm...who can even do that? That is a skill that one has to learn as a child, there is no other time to learn it. So my feet and calves hurt like hell, they tingle day and night and I have to walk with them everyday...oh well, at least I am not hooked up to some gross IV getting the chemo causing the sensation anymore, so! The hell with it all....... life it not fair.

Do what you love and the Money will follow

I love that saying, "do what you love and the money will follow" As I wind down the last 6 weeks our only son will be with us before heading off to college I can only hope I have conveyed that message to him as he finds his passions in life. I love doing voice overs...I have great;income days and I have slow;income days-but I am doing what I love. I feel damn lucky to be doing this. Doing what I loved got me through my chemotherapy while battling colon cancer. So many days I was dragging, and feeling my lowest of low because of my health situation but there I was standing in front of my microphone performing my craft.;It couldn't be better. It's what got me through my days. I remember feeling so weak, barely able to speak and receiving a call from a Producer asking me to pick up a script so that I could do his next gig. Had he any idea how weak I was, I think he would've been flabberghasted..but he sustained me, the project sustained me, doing what I love sustained me. So as Adam embarks on his college adventure I can only;pray he pays close attention to what he loves and go for it. The money will follow....and the passion will always be there.