Watch a video about cancer and I cry like a baby

I just viewed the sweetest video about a teacher who has cancer and her kids in the school choir singing :I'm gonna love you through it". Tears streamed down my face as I watched that. Anybody would cry over it, but being a cancer survivor, it brought me right back to it all. The overwhelming emotions that navigate one through the day are endless. You go about the day showering, driving, working and running errands and the whole time in your mind the voice is heard in your head "I have cancer!". It never leaves you. It's an amazing journey. It's a constant battle of fighting it and then cursing it. It has been 5 years for me and the tears and emotions are just as raw. I am reminded daily of it, as I put on my ugly ass compression stocking with my leg wanting to swell because of the removed lymph nodes from my first cancer, uterine cancer, I mutter "fuck you cancer", then I immediately think, "get on with your day, get over it", How one can go from one extreme emotion to the next is crazy. Don't get me wrong I have those very common gratitude thoughts also of "it could be worse" reminding me of the other evening catching a commercial on TV of Olympians who have lost their legs,as I lay on the couch with my legs tingling from nueropathy and feeling sorry for myself and my thought goes to after viewing it "well at least I have legs" Maybe cancer can be looked at as a gift. Maybe my friend was right years ago who said that to Me "one day you'll thank your cancer". Maybe the fact that our emotions shift so quickly from dispair to gratitude, that is cancer's gift. I am currently talking a sweet radio colleague through her cancer journey now. I know the fear, each appointment is so scary because the Doctors and Nurses are doing things to our bodies that we have no control over and yet everybody around us is cheering us on because they are scared for us. Please understand there are days where the cancer patient just wants to weep and feel sorry for ourselves. Let us do it, please let us do it. To have tears so real and raw so many years later only confirms how mind boggling being a cancer patient is. As my cancer surviving friend Cindy told me, "remember the daily mantra, thank you God for my life today", what else can I do?

And how much money can a voice talent make?

So here's the deal. I LOVE performing voice over work. Love, love, love it. I transitioned as a Radio deejay into the field of voice acting. I was comfortable in front of a microphone, and I can market myself pretty well. I didn't get into it to be worth allot of money, but I did think what a terrific way to make a living. I took a year of classes, and follow up classes, and I had one of the best producers out there produce my demo. I built a home studio. I cold called corporations, and local production companies, and I did get an Agent. But the Agent I couldn't just rely on, because I am up against some incredible talent that keeps booking the gigs. I freelance. I follow leads constantly, I meet people daily and tell them about my work, ask them if they could ever use a voice talent in their marketing strategies.What have I made annually? Let's just say I have to rely on my husbands salary to get me through. Let's just say if I was on my own, it would be smoothies for breakfast, a sandwich for lunch and a salad for dinner and maybe a scoop of yogurt from the yogurt shop for a treat to myself. It would be creatively finding free means of entertainment, activities, and all the while feeling grateful everyday that I am doing what I love for an income. I won't give up. I have a dream, a dream that I will land the National through my Agent, and then I can proudly claim the income and float above water as long as the residuals are coming through. But damn I work hard for this income. It is a passion.Sometimes I feel extremely defeated. Sometimes I want to crawl in a hole and throw my hands up-but there is this determination that I will do this. I will book the biggie. This is one helluva challenge, I sacrifice allot to stay grounded in this, but as my long time ago mentor said to me, "Trish I practice one mantra constantly, and it is 'I might be down, but I won't give up".I have to resurrect the mantra. Thank you from the bottom of my heart Ed, for that saying.

The most special calendar dates from the Voice Over girl

I have this tradition I do on New Years Eve: First and foremost I transfer birthdays to the new upcoming year calendar and then I spend allot of time reading each months activities of the year that is closing out. There are events, some very huge and some as small as meeting a long time ago friend at a local coffee shop, that I actually transfer to the new calendar. It is usually something like : "1 year ago met LeeLa for coffee", or "2 years ago saw Hall and Oates", "3 years ago booked VO at Fantasy Recording" and of course I will always transfer "x years ago last drop of chemo in my system". That one is always a good one, and by the way I am only 2 months away from that entry I can joyfully look at! I can't wait to see that day again. With the activity entry extreme from a 'small coffee chat meet up' to 'the last drop of chemo', I carry over and over and over and over(!)again: "met Boz Scaggs" Anybody who knows me knows I love Boz Scaggs. Where did this infatuation begin anyway? It all happened back in the mid 70's. There was something. I couldn't put my finger on it, but that voice was butter.,those lyrics were magical, and the guy was just damn adorable. There were a few times I actually met Boz, but not the last one, the one when I had my photo with him.The entry on my calendar every year. Sometime in the late 90's, I saw Boz at Don Ramon's bar sitting alone,talking to his brother, in the city. I approached him sheepishly, did my elevator speech, exited and remained on cloud 9 for weeks. Then in 2007, attended one of his many summer Mountain Winery concerts, only to step into the Inn's elevator and have him come in after Me-I literally froze, said nothing, but jumped up and down on my hotel bed like a crazy kid in disbelief, and then a week later was invited to see him at the GAMH. My silly crazed Boz friend,scored meet n greet passes. It was my opportunity to speak...and I reminded him of being the girl in the elevator speechless, he smiled that sweet Boz grin, and said yes he remembered.There was nothing more to say and we exited again. 2010 was definitely the hardest year of my life. In the Spring I was diagnosed with uterine cancer. I dodged the chemo bullet, it was stage 1. My life was radically changed. You can bet I would celebrate that summer with a Boz concert, and I did. But in Fall of 2010, I was diagnosed with colon cancer, stage 3. I didn't dodge that chemo bullet. I was signed up for 6 months of poison. I really thought if I die it's okay: I traveled the world, I lived my dream of being on air on Radio, became a voice actor, had a beautiful son, beautiful friends, and... I met Boz. Actually my life wasn't to be over. Boz booked a concert in Napa, just a few miles from where he lives. It was a casual night and my friend Erin insisted I drive up and attend. I was very,very sick, thin, cold all the time, hair thinning, and feeling horrible with all the chemo in my blood. Erin had a special treat-she knew Monet, Boz's back up singer, and they arranged it...The show ended, and we were invited down front.Could this really be it? Yes it was....January 28, 2011,there I was in a photo with Boz. I didn't need to say anything. I said everything before, I just had my magical moment. So here in my studio office my calendar hangs and there in that square I scribbled the words "5 years ago met Boz" It's an entry that makes me forget everything else in my complicated life and makes me feel just as giddy as standing before him in a bar, an elevator, or backstage. I love January 28th, and always will.

Another annual, another dose of anxiety

Carrying this Lynch Syndrome gene requires preventative appointments to stay alive. I've always done the usual annuals: the mam, the pap, the physical, the eyes, the teeth, but the one test that will save my life I dread. I brought it to my cancer support group and when it was my turn to speak after hearing a half dozen other survivors telling their stories of endless appointments and bravely chasing their cures, I confessed my procrastination of making THE APPOINTMENT. One of my fellow support group members, handed me a cell phone and said "make the appointment in front of us" , and there I did, and within a week I was scheduled. I hate that colonoscopy, it is just gross prepping for it. Every sip of that solution gets me closer to the appointment. As I was downing my last few glasses today, with a pounding head ache, hunger pangs causing my whole body to ache, I started to cry,and boy was it overdue. I sat there in the front room an hour away from the procedure and I finally cried. Sucks I have this syndrome. That's all I could think about and I also think about how scared I am by it all. I really am. I survived the chemo and the surgeries but this annual testing is what I am left with. I thought how many other millions on this very day are consuming that liquid to have their test, and then i thought I am probably the only one I know doing this today, it was the pity pot in all it's glory. I checked my voice over orders before leaving, and thought thank goodness I work from home and can do this, it's something I love so much and can look forward to at the end of this day...and off I went to the procedure. Hilariously on the drive in I listened to Eminem of all people, I loved his lyric: "Im a rip this shit till my bones collapse". Yep I am gonna "whip this shit till my bones collapse." that's what I think about it all. Go to hell cancer! So the drug was perfect, I actually saw on the screen some images but I was slipping in and out of seeing it, damn the drug was good. When I saw the Doctor walk in afterwards and I was so grateful it was finally all over he then says to me " No polyps this time at all" Took some tissue for testing but looked great", what a relief. So those words on this day in my little life were all just part of the annual and all part of the annual dose of anxiety. Stage 3 colon cancer,what a diagnosis. I still think maybe it was all a mistake maybe the Doctors just wanted to make me a guinea pig. I cannot understand this horrific disease and why there is so many afflicted with it and why there isn't a cure. There is a problem here. A huge one.So I plug along with my calendar of appointments, fears and anxiety, and face it like I have to. Thank goodness I can come home to a microphone and scripts and a passion that is my own, and breathe a sigh of relief I am done with that annual test

Mom first, voice actor 2nd

Thank goodness I have voice overs to keep my mind off so many other things in life. I love voicing, and it's been a helluva journey getting here, all the firings from radio, the multitude of rejections,but then I train for voice over work, another huge competitive field, but I love it, I love interpreting a script and adding my own twist on it, there still is rejection but I can escape here to my home studio, and it has served me...It served me well when I was battling my cancers. I felt I had a purpose. Adam watched me go through all my personal and professional ups and downs, I always said "let this be a life lesson Adam"...He hated seeing me so down when I didn't book. So now I have to put all that aside and add a Mom twist to it all. Adam broke his foot practicing college Football. I can't even type the words without getting choked up. The pain I feel for him is deeper than my Radio rejections, my voice over rejections and my cancer battle. Watching your kid hurt not just physically but mentally is gut wrenching for a Mom. I cannot understand this one. The why hasn't been answered from God, I keep thinking how totally unfair this is to him...this is a kid who found a sport that fit him. Fit his body type, he was teased by grade school kids about his size, and believe me those episodes cut like a knife to hear him describe the taunting, but he used his size to serve him...High School Football played all 4 years, was team captain, motivated team mates, took pride in that he never missed a practice! Was class President, running all those shananegans and yet making every practice. But then there was his last High School Football game, the biggest rivalry Salesian, and he broke his collar bone, I thought that was a life lesson, I cried for him for that one, it was horrible to see him on the side lines in a sling watching his team mates handle the opponents...but he wasn't done. College Football was a goal, and he achieved it. Each year he would play a bit more in the game, It always turned out when we would fly down to be in the stands, we'd see him go in, and see him give it his all..He's good, he doesn't give up, and we were so proud to know all college he played Football. Why? Why the week before official practice this happened? They have asked him to assist in Coaching, and I am so very proud but I am now using all that I learned in my career to get him through, to get me through: "we are not our jobs" "we are more than that" "it's a lesson in slowing down" "It's a lesson in embracing we can't do it all". it's some kind of lesson..believe me I have said... it could've been worse, think about my dear friends who tragically lost their children, that is more than a broken foot, but I can't seem to not feel what he must feel. This all confirms a Mom feels her child's pain tenfold, and it doesn't go away.

Can I still complain about cancer?

I spent yesterday as a participant in ValleyCare Medical's "Cancer Spa Day" at one of our terrific wineries here in the Tri Valley, in Livermore. What a location...peaceful, pretty, quiet, and nurturing. As I was driving there I thought, "I should be home voicing my scripts, oh well, I will give it a try".
I came away with overwhelming feelings about this disease and those that have been afflicted by it. I don't want to sound like a martyr, but damn it, this disease is horrible....
We started by introducing ourselves, devulging the body part affected and giving the date of diagnosis and where we are today. After hearing over 20 people tell their stories....I couldn't help but notice how each one could still reflect on the details...the moment they were told, the numerous misdiagnosis, the runaround, the frustration of living with all the side effects, the anxiety that now resides in our psyche and the tears that still were shared after years of the diagnosis.
What those don't know who have never had cancer, is that, the patient has long term scars..we might be up and around  and you might think because we are out of chemo, we are all done..but everyday there is a reminder, whether there is nueropathy(the numbness in our feet, hands, calves,arms), lymphodema(the swelling of legs or hands or arms),the permanent altering of our physical capabilities( can't run, can't ski, can't dance(!)), feeling anxious when there is a new test to be taken, it never goes away.It is exhausting.It sucks, it is all because of cancer and how they treat it.
I don't want to tell people how I really feel, that's negative, but it's reality that all those changes happen. Counselors don't even get it.Unless they've had cancer, but often they don't.We cancer survivors compare it to PTSD, it is trauma, every step, appointment, and change in our body is trauma. We lose parts, we lose what was. It is a loss, and it creeps up on us daily.
When will Doctors get it? When will they embrace the psychological impact of this journey? And stay in touch in aftercare, not just coming in for the quarterly bloodtest, but really providing comfort in all the fear we carry around with this?I can only hope the new Doctors and Nurses that go into this field will put themselves in our shoes. Having lunch with the participants, and sharing their stories deeper, floored me, in how many of us, were left to figure out aftercare after the chemo drip or radiation treatments have stopped..
I hate what cancer has done to me. So when you see a cancer survivor (mind you,they have just survived their treatment regimine) know that they are carrying dozens of side effects you don't even see, it's not all over, it never is, I think because of that, I CAN complain about cancer!

Anniversary dates and Cancer

When the new calendar year is just around the corner, I perform the task of transfering birthdays and dates to my new office studio wall calendar. The one date I have been transferring for the past 4 years is this . years ago last drop of chemo in my system It is worth celebrating, and worth taking a moment to ponder on. The journey was insane, I have never felt so much fear in my life, well, aside from jumping out of an airplane to tandem Skydive for a Radio stunt. Really?!? Chemo is relentless. The taste, the warm juice felt flowing through my blood weeks at a time, the beeping sound of the pump hooked to my port that would drip the chemo in me for 48 hours after my 4 hour infusion. The incredible weak state it would leave me in for days at a time. My dear friends that drove me, dropped me off and the 2nd friend who picked me back up. Some friends sat with me the whole time. My husband only did it once.I don't think he could handle watching me wiping away my tears for the entire 4 hours on my first infusion...and hearing my nurse say gently, "Can't we get a little smile out of you today Trish?"...no. No. No....I couldn't smile during that, I was on a mission to just get through it. I would look around that room, all of us patients with blankets over us to keep warm as we were always so cold, and participate in the small talk about their cancers, and if this was first round or 2nd. Yes some have had 2nd rounds...I ask myself that, if it ever came back would I go through chemo again....I don't think so.....the flood of feelings are too much. Everytime I have to go back to the same office for my routine quarterly blood work, I watch the patients slowly walk out from their infusions and my heart aches deeply for them. The journey just can't be forgotten.So here I am 4 years later, and the scribble on my March 23rd date is "4 years last drop of chemo in my system" Hallelujah for that scribble. Thank you to Adam, Jeff, Marcia Bergendahl, Denise Croghan, Mike- my brother, Liz Connolly, Cheryle Silveira, Karen Sorenson, LauraJean, Eme Aqua, Lori Fabianic, Bobbi Cauchi(shared that martini on that last day!), Erin Goldsbrough(who brought me to Boz while in chemo treatment and arranged for me to FINALLY meet him!) JoAnn Manchester,Phoebe and her family, The Valley Christian Football Moms, my cousins, my Aunts, my other brothers, my radio colleagues, the FB well wishers, all my friends who sent cards and checked in on me, visited me at the hospital, damn you pushed me, and it was good. Now I am finally participating in my long overdue cancer support group and yoga for cancer patients classes, and remaining sympathetic to anyone having to endure this crappy disease. This week I will stop procrastinating and make all my routine appointments for this year, and try not to get lost in the yucky-ness of all that it reminds me of...instead I will push through and I will stare at that square box on my studio calendar and smile at that scribble: "4 YEARS AGO FREE FROM CHEMO!" Thank you God for my life today.