Yet another (!) procedure related to Lynch Syndrome

Today was scary, emotional, draining, another reminder, and just one day that I am glad is over.Yes I know other people are going through just as trying times, 2 of my dear FB friends lost their Moms this week, my cousin lost her Mom weeks ago, my childhood friend is fighting cancer, my radio colleague died, my other radio colleague lost the love of her life. Their day was probably just as emotional, maybe they have more days like my solotoday...yet I just had my limit today. 2010 my crazy year, uterine cancer AND colon cancer. Colon Cancer sending me into chemo. Having 5 medical procedures in 6 months, traumatized. Is it called post traumatic syndrome, or who the hell knows what it is..but I know today I cried a few times. Out of fear and out of frustration. Cried after the nurse couldn't get a vein and when she did, it was messed up...cried when the anesthesiologist introduced himself andthen he saw the IV wrong, removed it and found another one. Thank God successful. Maybe it was after I started reciting the "Our Father" prayer...lol, then there I was with my eyes darting around the room looking at all the machines and gadgets and scary things. There were so many of them!!...and then i thought "this is all because of my Lynch Syndrome"...this all because I had colon cancer. I am here because the last polyp found was a flat one on the intestinal wall, not a good place they say. so this is a safety procedure with all it's risks...and I am going through all this. It took all day, on a rainy Friday when most were working and doing other things.I fasted for 2 days starving and then drinking that nasty liquid, vomiting horribly, and fighting back tears then, thinking, Screw this stupid procedure, I should cancel, but I had to push through, and I did and Thank God it is over. I think it all went well, I will wait for the final results...I am so exhausted. so of course i am looking forward to resting on this rainy Saturday, and anxious to get on the mic and voice my spots....one thing I know for certain, that always makes me feel better!!!

The Voice Over callback

To book a gig is euphoric. To get a callback is hopeful. Leapfrog called me back!!! My direction was superb from Kevin. I get ahead of myself...and begin thinking "if I get this, I'm in"! It's a feeling I want to hold onto. An educational game for young girls...oh to book it! It's an area of voice overs I want to grow in, this is my opportunty. I decided on the way home to play my positive thinking CD...There I was repeating everything they say, and realizing I am not practicing positive thinking as much as I should. I need to get into my vortex....get to that place that is buzzing with alive feelings-the place I use to be in whenI was chasing my Radio dream. I remember it all so well...feeling so hopeful it would vibrate my body. That's where I need to be with my voice overs, that is where I need to get myself to...I love that place, it's the vortex, it brings results....I believe I can really do this.

Voicing away!

I am damn grateful for what I do...I LOVE voicing spots. One needs to realize though in this business that there is allot of rejection on the journey... I auditioned2 scripts this past week through my Agent...one was about a DNA packet that is available to the public. Now tell me what voice actor would knowmore about this than me? My DNA, thee DNA that marked my colon cancer, my Lynch Syndrome. The reason I had colon cancer AND uterine cancer. You'd think I nailed it, but no, the creative team found someone else...if they really would've given me a shot at it, if I was off a bit in the delivery, I would think I certainly could be directed easily. it would take a mere minute for me to escape into the mindset of delivering information about DNA-but nope I didn't get it...Wow....then I get a callback to voice for LeapFrog...now that is a dream come true...Kevin, the Producer was terrific.Directed me in a manner in which he felt the team would be leaning towards. I did what he said, and after each take, I would get a "great!" from Him....Here it is days away and no word. Upon departing he says.."it's up to the Disney folks"...so here I am waiting and hoping and praying I book again soon. It is all subjective, it is all a crapshoot. Anyone who thinks Voice Over is easy...is crazy! Tomorrow is a new day, and I will voice act every script with passion and love it all again.....I still can close with: I am grateful for what I do! I LOVE voicing spots.

Triggers from My Cancer

I am reminded daily that I had cancer...the tingling in my toes, feet, calves and fingers. I can't stand it. I often feel angry. It's been 2 years since chemo stopped and I am still numb.I am realizing I may have to live with this and that is when I struggle to not go into a funk. I can't run the way I use to, I am not steady enough on my feet to play racquetball-the sport I love! I sprained my ankle and didn't even know it. I am now in Physical Therapy trying to strenghhen my ankle. As I lay there being worked on I can feel the tears wanting to fall. I can only think, "the only reason why I am here being worked on is because I was treated for cancer with chemotherapy" It is a trigger, a reminder, a hard thought to just let go of...now I have new news. The August colonoscopy removed a polyp. It was benign, but the pathologist is not liking the fact it came from the wall of the intestine. "Like a weed", he says..."you may think you pulled it but you don't know what is left under the dirt"....I have a decision to make and I don't want to. I want to avoid it, run from it, and scream loudly in anger about it. Another colonoscopy this time in SF with experts who will go in deeper to the wall, where this is a slight risk of puncturing the wall...or remove the colon. Hell frickin no!!!I already feel old tolerating this numbness, now I would have to watch whatever i eat because I wouldn't have allot of intestine. It all sucks. It all makes me angry, I don't want to do this. Triggers from cancer are never ending.....where's the mic I think, give me a script and let me escape through voice acting. That's what I will do about it all.

Thank goodness my Voice Over work feeds my soul

I lost another friend to cancer. A Radio colleague. Bill Kelly....he was my competitor in the 80's...my Shock Jock partner Perry Stone made fun of him constantly. They were our crosstown rivalaries in San Jose.Then 20 years later there I was working down the hall from him at a South Bay station. He was the morning guy, I was doing week ends and fill ins on the sister station, KBAY. We both had colon cancer.I blabbed it on Facebook about my diagnosis, because I was scared like there was no tomorrow, he replied in those private messages...he was going through chemo and going to work and hosting his morning show at Mix. We checked in with each other often. We compared our numb feet stories....his wife left him while he was going through chemo, the first round. How the hell could she do something like that? I mean really, what the f?!I wonder how the hell she feels now? So Bill couldn't fight it, and just this week he stayed home from work, finally, and yesterday he died. I saw it on Facebook tonight. I about died. I felt guilty for living, and it isn't the first time I have felt guilty after hearing someone I know died of Cancer ....this disease just messes with your mind. At least it does mine.Bill died. Stupid ass Cancer took him down. He was young, and I am emotionally drained as I type these thoughts, I read all the Facebook posts and it just numbed me. I need to hear The Kite Song, it's how I feel. When I look at my chosen subject for this post, it's the actual thought that popped into my head after viewing all the FB posts. I had a good day in front of the mic, I even turned my VO colleague onto a producer who just used someone else I referred. It made me feel good that I did that for someone, and it made me realize Voice Overs is what got me though my chemo months, and I guess radio got Bill through. That must be why he took it right until the end before he stepped away from the mic. I miss Bill terribly, I hate that cancer got him.It just never stops.

The Annual CT Scan and all it's emotions

I did it again today, the annual CT Scan. The big white tube, the IV in my vein and thehot solution that goes through them. The metallic taste in my mouth.The deep voiced recording that says: "Hold your Breath", the time lapse and the recorded voice again that says "Now Breathe". I didn't cry this time. When the first nasty chemo sessions were over in 2011, I layed there with tears streaming down my face. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder I was told I was experiencing. It was all so surreal. Like what the hell am I doing here kind of thoughts. This year no tears, I guess it means I am moving through it. However before I left this morning for the imaging center my dear friend Carla emails me and says her CT Scan found spots and they may recommend the chemo series again. Carla, my childhood friend, who had stomach cancer. Initially thinking maybe it was an ulcer, or maybe some bug she caught while vacationing in Mexico. I visited her at a few of her chemoinfusions and we sat and laughed and shared all the fears we go through after a diagnosis of cancer. The thought of having to make that decision again sickens me. When in hell are they going to find a cure for this deadly disease?So I wait a few days, the results are mailed to my Oncologist, and I see him in a few weeks....I am letting it go. I'll pick up the phone and book my annual physical, annual mammagram and annual pap smear..oh and annual colonoscopy...more tests to endure, more mind games to get through...geez who would've thought this was part of my story...life goes on. Thank you God for my life today.

All reflective now

I celebrated my 2 years of having no chemo go through my body. I had it on the studio office calendar. March 23, 2011-the last drop went through my body.It still seems so surreal....the nerve damage is my reminder, and my vertical scar from my belly button to my bikini line....Sometimes I wonder if maybe they jumped the gun, maybe I didn't have to deal with all that BS. Maybe the Doctors are knife happy and trying to make oodles of money-it's a horrible thought-but I wonder.The polyp in my intestines wasn't that big, and how the hell do i know that the cells in my utereus were really that different. To put our trust in the Medical field is risky, a crapshoot...why they can't find a cure for this damn cancer is beyond me. I feel my obligation is to tell people about it. I am volunteering for Hope Hospice. Ihave to study about 8 hours of material, and then I can be a friendly visitor. Throughit all, that's what I got...a deep sense of compassion for the diagnosed. I so understand all the questions and fears and roller coaster of emotions that occur minute by minute.I want to tell Ellen Degeneres the Katie Courics, and other talk show hosts about it-they have a podium, they should use it. It is crazy not to get the word out. So I am beginning to set up my appointments for this year, the long list: CT Scan, Physcial, Mamogram, Pap Smear, Colonoscopy-geez it's enough to make me anxious all over again...but I have to, I'd be irresponsible if I didn't get the word out-it's what I learned in the journey.Thank you God for my life today.