The annual Colonoscopy STILL causes angst

You'd think after 15 years of having to have an annual Colonoscopy it would become a piece of cake. Not for this girl. The trauma of a Cancer diagnosis is a whirlwind, a game changer, a mind fuck. Ontop of it, I have Lynch Syndrome. A positive DNA predisposing Me to Colon Cancer, Uterine Cancer, and Stomach Cancer. This visit was the double whammy. I had an Endoscopy and a Colonoscopy. From the consultation weeks ago to the long drive down the hill today I was in my head. Nervous. My mind thinking crazy things: hmmm why all of a sudden my 2 nephews are coming from the East Coast to visit for the holidays, why I finally went on the Alaska cruise I had on my bucket list, why I was finally inducted into the Bay Area Radio Hall of Fame and why My beloved best fur baby ever my Olde English Bulldog, LugNut, passed 4 months ago after 12 beautiful years.The mind ran all those thoughts. As I layed there today I didn't cry like before.I decided to clutch the small picture of my LugNut explaining to the Nurse I wasn't a crazy dog lady, I just needed my angel with Me. For some reason I thought having LugNut there would help Me. When I was wheeled into the surgery room and saw the team going over the notes again aloud so they all agree I knew any moment when I went out I would wake up to the results I would have to process no matter what they were. When I awoke there beside my bed was the Nurse and Dr House. I opened my eyes to a smile from both of them and those technical medical photographs of my insides being held by the Doctor. "There were zero polyps this time, Everything looks great" I was in disbeleif. I felt the lump in my throat, but I didn't cry. I just said "Thank You" I grappled with my life again. I thought over and over again I have to let things go, I have to stay away from negativity, I have to only be with authentic people. I have another chance to claim a seat at the table of life. Thank You God for my life today.

National Colon Cancer Day March 3rd

Been quite some time since I have blogged. Saw the date on my iphone calendar "National Colon Cancer Day March 3rd". I guess I put it in my phone to remind Me. Looking at it, I am flooded with different thoughts. Something to acknowledge, something I'd like to forget. A diagnosis that rocked my whole world. A diagnosis that changed my life forever. Since 2010 I am still navigating this disease.I had a reoccurance in 2020, thank GOD no lymph nodes that time around were involved. The side effects of numb feet and calves, fingers and a permanantly swollen left leg due to lymph nodes removal and chemo infusions all still prevail. The effect it had on my son breaks my heart still.I have lost many to cancer, and I know a few right now who are battling the beast that it is. Their diagnosis always spins Me. Anger, Compassion, Guilt for living, Wanting to scream about it. The emotion feels like a bubbling wave of energy inside Me. Sometimes I seriously want to end it all.It truly is crazy making. Why in the hell they have not found a cure for all cancers is sickening to Me. I think there is, I think there is a disturbing reason why they don't. It's moments like these that it is imperative for Me to shut off the mind chatter, stop the blog writing and distract until I can shake the thoughts. I have opened a can of worms in my mind right now. March 3rd will haunt Me all day,I am overwhelmed with sadness for those who I know who are battling the disease now. I have to only do one thing. Practice the mantra I recited every morning and night while going through chemotherapy: Thank you God for my life today.