The Valentines Day Reality after so many years

Let's face it Valentines Day has its ebbs and tides.Three decades ago the long sought after perfect romantic cards were exchanged, the date night was carefully planned and always filled with excitement and sentiments.After about 5 years the romantic cards turned to funny cards because the mushy words just didn't fit my marriage narrative.Funny cards were easier to explain the reality.Then the cards dropped off, the gifts stopped and maybe there was a dinner out because after all who wants to cook on Valentines Day? It's not as special as it use to be, it's done because it's the right thing to do, but the relationship in reality is defined as "complicated" or better yet a "sick click". Yes my 10 year old son blurted out in a car ride one day "Mom, you and Dad have a sick click"..."What?!" "Well you click, but it's kind of sick"...the reality is: he nailed it.So as the years move forward and the ebbs and tides of the marriage now include radio job losses, several cancer diagnosis', moves, adjustments to the empty nest and a new reality, we have a new Valentines Day.Our biggest passions aren't necessarily each other but our chosen lines of work which we both love, our travels, our times with special friends. So in reflectiing on the years I remember a very special night as newly weds which brought up the sweet memories that back then were so easy to create. It was a listener Valentines cruise presented by KABL, my then Radio gig aboard the SF Spirit, a stunning 150 foot vessel built in 1991. We dressed up in our best while having the coolest Valentine date night. It's a memory with a wonderful photograph.So today, to say I found a sweet sought after Valentines Day card with words that defined us today from my hubs and a Spa certificate on the counter top and Me giving him a box of chocolate covered strawberries, I saw the full circle.It's a realistic Valentines Day .Still crazy after all these years we did it.It was a sweet Valentines Day as simple as it was, and I kind of like it this way.

Annual Colonoscopy for a Colon Cancer Survivor

I guess it doesn't help that I have a large amount of anxiety around my Cancer. There are so many so much braver, are living with a colostomy bag and many who have lost the fight. I am living, I have no bag, and I am a baby.I dreaded today. I was behind in my annual Colonoscopy procedure. Procrastination, my former surgeon on a sabbatical, and finding a GI Surgeon close to home. I am suppose to have a Colonoscopy every year, and every other year an Endoscopy. The appointment where they go at Me on both ends. This was my appointment today. I have been a bundle of nerves for weeks.I found my new surgeon, had my Facetime appointment, and added it to my calendar. So today there I was...in a new facility, with a new surgeon and the year of the "double treatment". Lord knows I got through the prep, but the 1 hour drive to the new Surgeon was nerve wracking. I didn't say much on the ride just tried to stop the chatter in my brain. My son Adam checked in as I finally told him 2 days ago I was going in. he told me I need to work on the anxiety. HA! Easier said than done. Crazy thoughts passed through my mind. What if they find a polyp? What if I have to make the decision for treatment? What if it interrupts Adam's upcoming wedding? What if I'm not even here! The thoughts were rampant.The routine was the same: checking in with pages of papers to sign, then escorted to the room, then changing into the dumb oversized gown. As I settled myself on the bed and the Nurse came in to start the IV the tension grew.Questions, blood pressure, temperature and then to find the vein. My veins aren't easy, I knew when I felt her patting my arm she was having a problem. I began to breathe deeply. She tried. It didn't work. I hit my limit...I started to cry. Huge tears began pouring down my cheeks,and she apologized for hurting Me. I wasn't hurt, I was horribly scared. Through tears I told her, "My journey scares Me, you didn't hurt Me, it's all been too much for too many years" She felt so bad, and asked me to breathe deep, while we settled on my wrist. It worked! I was left to calm down. I stared at the walls. I told myself crying doesn't help and I have to get centered so I do well under anesthesia.As I met the Anesthesiologist I slowly felt better. She reassured me of the endoscopy as I told her I was afraid it would effect my speaking voice. I have voice overs to do when I get home and I booked one with my Agent, so I can't have a different voice.She rolled me into the operating room. I saw new faces in the room. A new nurse approached me and said "I am going to insert your mouth piece, this will allow for the endoscopy" I quickly looked over and heard the Anesthesiologist say, "okay, Trish here you go, sweet dreams" Upon waking back in my room there stood my surgeon, Dr Low. "Well everything went great", In my drug induced stuper all I could ask was "Any polyps?" "Absolutely none, I knew you'd be good" Suddenly everything was good, the relief was heavenly, and I could live again for another year.He found some tissue to look at in my stomach, but not of any concern, some mention of Celiac. I will deal with that and read up on it when I get home is what I thought.I was finally elated. So I did it.It is a learning process every year and every year its at a different moment that I cry.I am a baby.Annuals do a number on Me. When I got home I thanked all my prayer warriors who I reached out to. I wrap this day up with deep gratitude once again. God help everyone who goes through health issues. I understand more than you know. Thank you for my life today.

She would've been 90, but she died at 50

January 16th is a date that stops me in my tracks every year. My Moms birthday.Birthdays were a very big deal in my childhood not just for me, but for the whole family. Gifts, and a cake with ice cream, and a gathering and the infamous phonecall: "__ years ago today I brought home a little baby girl!"...and on and on and on.My Mom made a big deal about them. But her birthdays were cut short, way too short.She died at 50, from Cancer. I found my Moms gravesite just 2 months ago, after having not visited it for decades, My husband and I were in nearby Vacaville at a birthday party in Fairfield. There was no way I could be that close and not visit her gravesite. I was hell bent on finding it. After several strolls around the vicinity in which I thought she was in, I found her! It was unreal. I had some coffee in hand and sat down near her plot and sipped the rest of it. Mom loved coffee. Coffee with her girlfriends was a must each day of her living life. I never shared coffee with her when she was alive, so this coffee moment was extra special. My visit confirmed to me, I must see it again, and why not on January 16th? January 16th 2022, I packed up my car with my silly Olde English Bulldog, LugNut, a small bouquet of flowers and pine clippings from my beautiful property and we trekked to Vacaville again. I zig zagged through the cemetary as I was trying to find it quicker this time, up and down the narrow one laned roads and I finally did find her plot.I did! Unloading all that I brought, the pretty red carnation flowers and baby breaths, the cellphone, and LugNut all leashed up, we walked to her grave. There it was and there it blaringly showed she was 90. She would've been. LugNut immediately sat down with his Bulldog side saddle and sat right smack on the edge of her gravesite, turned around with that funny little lower poutted lip and looked at Me.I laughed and thought, "Gosh my Mom would've loved you LugNut" She loved cats, and horses and all types of dogs. Vacaville was where she was born and she stayed at the family Cherry Farm ranch as a child, so it all felt like home to Me. I saw a beautiful blue jay fly down to the fence and stare our way. I wondered if it was Mom maybe checking in with Me. I really didn't say much. I placed the pretty bouquet of flowers in the small vase I brought there, and placed the extra pine sprigs on her parents grave, my great great Aunt's grave and my Grampas Brother and sister in law graves. I had really only one important yet sad thing to say: "I miss you Mom". I packed up my things and slowly cruised out of the cemetary.I scrolled through my playlist in my phone and selected the Sappy Sads, and as I pulled out of the cemetary grounds I heard an old Jim Croce song, "Time In A Bottle", my Mom loved that song, and I smiled knowing I made a big thing about HER birthday today, and she deserved it. She would've been 90, but she died at 50.

3 stories of Self Care at the Rose Hotel

Plans for Christmas 2021 became increasingly stressful as we neared the day. Carefully watching the forecast of the sierra's impending snow storm began to dictate whether plans to be with our son would be feasible.My husband started his loud ranting about how our son doesn't spend time with us, how he is tired of going to other peoples homes, how he has an obligation to keep our property plowed along with the neighbors properties he felt obligated to do also.The escalation of his yelling was turning my stomach again. I wanted to see my son, I wanted to then go down to Capitola to my serenity, and then on the way home would attend my dear friends celebration of life services. I was orchestrating it all to make it work out. I was internalizing allot of jumbled up nerves. I hated where it was all going. I called my son and let him know I was worrying about the weather and played down his Fathers thoughts.My son came through with an idea...spend the night at the historic Rose Hotel on Main Street in downtown Pleasanton, attend the Christmas gathering and next day head to Capitola. I loved the idea,as it was his gift to us for Christmas. As my husband continuued to rant and then conclude the gift certificate was being spent with money we lent our son I knew this plan was going nowhere.I realized I can go solo, husband can stay home and do his plowing and receive his kudos from all the neighbors and I was going to find my peace of mind. After making sure Christmas Eve he had his favorite meal, I played the game because I knew in my mind I was about to feed my soul, and practice self care. Christmas morning I crawled out the driveway in my AWD Honda with light snow gently falling along with a huge storm pending and my favorite hand picked Christmas tunes playing through my phone. I was escaping. All I could think is :Merry Christmas to me. I stayed at the Rose Hotel decades ago, with my husband in fact. I wrote a cute story about how we had met, when the marriage was all good, and sure enough I hit the jackpot with a complimentary stay at The Rose.When I entered the hotel with my suitcase in hand and saw it was still magical. Every single corner was decorated with holiday decor, the fire was burning in the fireplace and the coincierge was so lovely. My room wasn't quite ready so I sat myself on the cozy velvet couch, sipping a delicious cup of coffee while watching the rain out the decorated windows. I was in my heaven. Moments later I saw a solo man sit down at a lobby table, open his laptop and feverishly begin typing away. He answered a few phone calls and went back to his project. I couldn't help but to at least walk by and wish him a Merry Christmas.It seemed sensible to ask "a tourist?". "No", he paused for a few seconds and said "actually I live right down the street"."oh, how nice a staycation?"I asked. "Well actually I moved out from my house, my girlfriend and I are going through something,this hotel made the most sense for me to escape to", I replied, "wow not the best time to be going through this, but if it's any consolation to you, I have a scrooge at home who pretty much dictated my outcome of staying here tonight. Besides I want to see my son, and then escape to Capitola a few days" The conversation comfortably continuued. "She doesn't know what she wants, wants to travel all the time, but I have a business to run, I can't just do that", I replied, "she sounds restless, I was married before, he left me unexpectedly and I knew right then I better travel to places I've never been to, get my career together and get myself a roof over my head, and I did,my condo that I am escaping to is just that, it's my peace of mind,it's my 401, I'm not letting anyone take that away from me""This stay here tonight is exactly what I need" Our conversation was very pleasant as we shared our personal stories. Suddenly the coincierge walked by and smiled "I couldn't help but hear your conversation, I was married before, he was an alcoholic, I had to get out. I remarried but I then knew more of what I need to stay sane in life, I stay here on weekends to do my job and then go home afterwards. it's how I keep my marriage working" We all looked at each other and laughed.There we were all finding ways to practice self care, save ourselves from the drama we signed up for in our sometimes sad lives. There really was nothing more to say to my friend, but "I hope it works out to whatever is best, Merry Christmas, and thanks so much for the chat" I checked in my room and oohed and awed all the beauty in it's 4 walls. A jacuzzi spa, luxurious bed, velvet chairs, quiet, just the gift I needed. Adam and his fiance' came and picked me up and brought me to the Christmas gathering. We laughed, we ate, we drank and exchanged gifts.I was dropped off back at The Rose Hotel and stopped in the lobby and sat by the glowing fire alone and thought about my night. I did treat myself to a wonderful gift by not letting my husbands tyrrade stop me and there I was with 2 others, all 3 of us who had found The Rose Hotel to feed our souls and practice the self care we needed for our stories. It was magical, it was wonderful because we were all blessings to each other at the beautiful magical Rose Hotel.

Losing 3 longtime girlfriends in 25 days, really?

In the past 25 days I have lost 3 buddies who all were in important chapters in my life. Unexpected deaths that affected all decade of my life.These women were in my career, they were in my twenties, they were in my time of being a Mom.I stumble as I write because each one have touched hundreds of people, not just Me. November 11th I was scrolling Facebook only to see a post from Ann's sister. "Unexpectedly we lost Ann" I took a double take on the post.What!? Ann and I just messaged each other about music in the Santa Cruz area, Cold Blood was returning. Ann was my buddy when I first moved to Santa Cruz as a 20 year old too young to be married working at Pac Bell. I loved that hippie girl Ann who sat next to me as we answered our Directory Assistance calls laughing at the insane questions coming our way. She had the sweetest sounding voice. I loved it. She teased the hell out of Me when she saw me planning a dinner meal of hot dogs and beans. "You don't eat Hot Dogs and Beans do you?!!"It was my new road to tofu and a non meat diet.I moved on from that job, went to college, dabbled in radio, left the area and found Ann again on Facebook.Years later met up in Santa Cruz and had a rockin' night enjoying live music laughing about those crazy Pac Bell days. Ann's passing was totally unexpected.I am so grateful to have been her buddy,she was one of a kind. Now for JoAnn. My young marriage painfully ended in Santa Cruz,and I was about to embark on a single life I never had. JoAnn was 5 years younger than Me. Full of life and dreams. We would have her pretend Flight Attendent passenger instructions after way too many cocktails always laughing hysterically while we cheered her on. JoAnn married and left the area, had a son and was diagnosed with cervical cancer, and fought it hard. It changed her life. Her marriage ended, she moved to Texas, and began her career as a Flight Attendent at age 40. She resurfaced when I was diagnosed with my uterine and colon cancer in 2010,giving me tips on how to keep a positive attitude. It was a great reconenction,she was so much wiser and enlightened. Her son grown up now married, had a baby, and JoAnn now diagnosed with her 2nd cancer,Breast cancer, had something to live for. A grandchild, and soon two.She endured all the horrible side effects and yet pushed through.Two months back in September her healthy took a nose dive. Fluid in her lungs, unable to breathe, the cancer was back.I was heartbroken for her,I wanted to selfishly have her for years longer.It didn't end that way. I saw the post on Facebook,as she wasn't returning my calls or texts. It just wasn't like her. November 24th JoAnn took her last breath at the age of 61.I am stunned and broken. Finally,Sweet Renee. Renee was my bud when I became a Mom. It was a late decision for me to become a mom,as my radio career was sailing along. Renee was younger and her son was in classrooms with our son Adam. We went on field trips, attended school chapel, met for coffee, school plays, Christmas exchanges, and took long exercise walks. Renee saw her children graduate from college, her son marry and worked dilgently to become healthy. A few years back she was diagnosed with Crohns Disease. Hooking her up with my sister in law who also battles the disease, they leaned on each other and exchanged tips on living with the disease.Renee spent her last days with her family.friends and her faith. She gained a daughter in law and shared an afternoon with them, wrapping up the evening viewing the neighborhood Christmas lights. Renee passed in her sleep that night December 6th. Too young. Unexpectedly. Her children, and hundreds of friends are devastated, she would have been 55 December 30th.We are now preparing for her services on that day. I am trying to wrap my head around all of this. Various decades in my life these women shared laughs, tears, hopes, dreams, and their time with Me. 3 longtime friends gone in just 25 days. I am grateful I was lucky enough to have them as friends in life,but I hurt for all of these beautiful women have left behind. Sadly the reality has set in. I miss you Ann, I miss you JoAnn, I miss you Renee.

A Cup of Coffee with Mom

I lost my Mom when she was 50 years old to Breast Cancer. She was first diagnosed at age 48. My Mom was well loved by many. What was most important to her were her kids and her girlfriends. She would spend a few hours, a few days a week, over her girlfriends homes having a cup of coffee with them. She was escaping my Father, who was a rager. It wasn't easy living in that house with that nonsense, thats why I always knew my Mom loved her girlfriends. I don't know how much she shared with them about my Dad. I wished I knew. I know she was in pain and there was a deep sadness in her about it all.I never had a chance to drink coffee with my Mom. I actually started drinking coffee in my late 30's.I immediately knew this was a ritual. For me,drinking coffee with girlfriends was a treat, it was my go to for a catch up conversation. I pop in the local coffee shops a few times a week to this day because I still see it as a treat, it's my self care. This weekend my husband, Jeff and I celebrated my childhood girlfriends son in law 50th birthday. It was a two hour drive from our house. The party was a blast that included a few of my childhood girlfriends who knew my Mom.The trek was too far to come back home so we stayed at a hotel in Vacaville. Vacaville was where my Mom was buried. Alongside her parents, my grandparents, whom she loved deeply.Vacaville was where I went as a kid to the Ranch with cherry trees, walnut trees, at a gorgeous farm house with antiques in every room. It's where my Mom would go as a child and ride horses, and sip tea and coffee with my great Aunty in the huge old fashioned kitchen.I had to go find my Mom today. I have only visited my Moms gravesite a few times. The last time was decades ago. I could only remember it was near a street on a sloped hill.The office was closed so we drove around and I got out with Me grasping my cup of coffee that I was sipping from our ride.I trekked around the cemetary quite a bit. I texted a cousin who has kept up on our family history, "where is my Moms gravesite?" My phone died as soon as I sent it. I just couldn't stop looking, I kept thinking I know I would be disappointed if I got back in the car without finding it. I wondered further, and then, I found it! I couldn't beleive my eyes. Her parents, Aunty, her dads brother and sister in law, and there was my Mom. There I was standing with my cup of coffee. I was in disbelief. I knew she wouldnt let me go until I found her. I had no flowers. My phone died and I needed to have that cup of coffee with her. Why not ? Jeff's phone was working so I kneeled down and told her thanks and took a big sip from my cup.There were no tears. I just smiled that I didn't give up looking. We celebrated a 50th birthday and my Mom died at 50. It was a bittersweet thought. Today I finally had a cup of coffee with my Mom.

"It's all a blur" I told the Nurse walking to surgery

It was the annual colonoscopy procedure. The procedure that determines my fate each year because of living with Lynch Syndrome.I spent 24 hours prepping for it with the nasty liquids and a mind racing trying to feed me with fear. It is the annual ritual I go through since being diagnosed with stage 3 Colon Cancer Fall of 2010.As I was called back the young nurse walked me down the long hallway, pressed the enter button leading me to the surgical prep area while explaining to me now that we are in Covid we have to enter the area differently. I said, "It's all a blur" I have done this so many times I forget the details, but I know my emotions are always the same. I begin feeling fearful as I get closer to the changing room. As I fold my clothes up and place them in the belongings bag, I wrestle with those recurring thoughts. I start bargaining with God. I flash on the fact the past few days I was looking at a file full of pictures of me highlighting my life. Yes I go there. I think if I don't make it, I will be prepared with my pictures that could be played at my funeral. Call it crazy, but walk in my shoes and you will know. Any cancer survivor fights these thoughts before every lab test, every CT scan and every procedure. I ring the bell and let them know I am ready and they walk me to my bed and begin the many tasks to get me ready. The warm blanket, the blood pressure, the IV, the asking me who I am and when is my birthdate and why am I there. Then I wait. Then I go to the place of fear and all alone, and my eyes well up with tears.I fight them this time, I bargain with God again and I visualize Dr House telling me I was all clear, no polyps, I'll see you in a year. The anesthesiologist introduces himself and explains to me the fast acting drug that I know so well. The one I actually love because it is short acting but lets me escape from all the fear I have.Dr House stops by and asks her questions then scrubs up. I am wheeled in the operating room, I remember some small talk, and I remember the warm Propoful fluid go into my arm. It was quiet, I was out. Then the moment I prayed for was evolving. I see Dr House bedside, and she tells me the words I wanted to hear, "no polyps,you did fine". I thanked her profusely. I embraced every single ounce of gratitude I had. I worked on being more awake so I could go home.I thought of what I can eat, who I am going to tell first-Adam for sure, then all my buddies who are always pulling for me, and I mostly looked forward to getting on the mic and voicing a script. It is exactly what I did. I am grateful, I am blessed and I thank God for my life again today.